


arpeggios

by CallicoKitten



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Addiction, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Casual Sex, Dysfunctional Family, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, Friends With Benefits, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Multi, Sara Ryder as Companion, Slow Burn, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-11-08 01:15:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 48,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11070993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CallicoKitten/pseuds/CallicoKitten
Summary: The Ryder twins can't stand each other. Lou wants to make something of herself, Raff just wants out. Andromeda offers that for both of them, hopefully.They're not counting on Alec's death, not counting on Raff becoming Pathfinder, not counting on spending all their time together in the Tempest. No one else is particularly pleased either.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so i started this a while back, initially as two stories but i could never get either of them to work until i started putting them together, i'll add tags and warnings as i go

Louella Ryder is born first, a full two hours before her brother.

Their mother loved to tell that story, liked to say she should have known from that first day what kind of trouble she was getting herself into. Lou didn't wait for them to reach the medbay, was born right there on the floor of their Citadel apartment. Raff took his time, Raff was tricky, Raff was difficult.

Her father named her, picked it because he thought it was pretty. Lou grows up hating it. Louella is a little girl in cotton dresses and sandals with pretty braids and lace bows, not her, never her. She'd change it but her mother loved it. Loved it to pieces. She keeps it for her.

In the Alliance, they just call her _Ryder_ and that suits Lou just fine.

-

Her mother's last words to her are, "Look after your brother."

She's pale, pale against the white of the sheets and her voice is soft, faint. She grips Lou's hand with all her might and brushes her fingers across Lou's cheek. "Look after him, Louella, please."

Raff's been missing for weeks. No comms, no visits, no words. Lou hates him. Hates him in that bone-deep way she knows scares most people. Maybe it's petty, maybe it's childish but Lou's spent the better part of twenty years keeping Raff out of scraps and no matter what she does he always comes out on top, ends up with biotics, has an offer to stay in the Alliance if he wants.

Lou presses her mother's hand to her mouth, kisses each knuckle, promises she'll find Raff, promises she'll give her mother a chance to say goodbye to her baby boy. She'll drag him out of whatever bar or drug den or the bed of whatever silver-tongued con-man has sunk his teeth into him and get him here before the inevitable.

Her mother's smile is dazed, Lou's not sure she really understands.

Her father grasps her hand as she leaves her mother's room; his hands are rough and calloused.

-

Raff's lucky. His name suits him. Makes him sound like the unreliable idiot he really is.

-

Raff's high out of his mind when Lou finds him, splayed out on the filthy floor of some dive and it doesn't matter that Lou spends half an hour dragging him out, getting him coherent again, getting him half-way presentable, their mother doesn't hang on.

"I'm sorry, Ella," Raff mumbles later. His hands cover his face. He's crying, Lou isn't. That probably says a lot about them.

"Tell that to mom," Lou says.

" _Lou,_ " their father warns.

Raff makes a noise like he's being split in two. "Don't say that to me," he moans. "Don't _say that to me._ "

-

Cora Harper doesn't like her; it bleeds off of her every second they spend together. She's not even good at _pretending_ she doesn't resent Lou's presence, pretending she's not bitter Alec Ryder brought his kids along for the ride as part of his main team. She thinks it's all nepotism. Lou desperately wants to throw her Alliance records in Cora's face, show her she's not just the boss's daughter.

Besides, there's a reason Lou's not Alec's second, there's a reason he's been grooming her as his successor and not Lou.

The only consolation Lou has is that Cora hates Raff too.

It's Lou's fault Raff's here, mostly anyway. She's not sure whether their father would really have left Raff behind in the Milky Way but her mother's voice was echoing in her ears so she tracked him down, bought him on board. He sounds grateful on the vid, looks awful, finally got himself kicked out of the Alliance. Lou doesn't know why, hasn't really cared to find out.

Their father lingers in the room after the call, passes a hand over his eyes. Lou's still getting to know him, still trying to figure him out. Their mother used to say Raff was breaking their father's heart but honestly, all Lou sees is shame.

She corners Raff when he arrives, holds her omni-blade to his throat, a hair's breadth from the skin and hisses, "Don't screw this up for us."

"Ella," he says. "Ella, you wouldn't." But he doesn't sound certain and Lou doesn't feel certain.

"We need you sober," she says. Demands. "No more screw ups."

Raff swallows. "Yes, yes. I promise."

-

Sobriety is a messy beast, Harry says as her brother folds in on himself and groans. 600 years is a long time for him to go without a drink. Lou watches over Dr T'Perro's shoulder as she's checked over.

"Your father will not be pleased," Lexi says, half conversationally.

"Why's that?"

"The Pathfinder wants you all mission ready within the hour."

Lou frowns, "Any idea why?"

"No," Lexi says, doesn't expand on it.

Across the room her brother wretches. "I'm fine," he says. "Just give me a minute."

They don't have a minute.

-

Habit 7 is a disaster. The shuttles get separated as they enter the atmosphere, SAM's down, comms are offline. Her father slams his fist into the ground, "I promised your mother I'd get you both here safely," he hisses.  

"Pathfinder, this isn't the time," Cora says and Lou hates her for it but she's right, she's right.

"Raff can handle himself," Lou says.

Alec takes a steadying breath. "He'll have to. You two work on the shuttle, get the comms back online. I'll go on ahead."

His tone is final, there's no room for arguing. "Yes, Pathfinder," they say.

-

They make a good team, her and Cora and Kosta and Raff, make easy work of the aliens storming them while Alec works. Raff's biotics have improved since she last saw him in action, he doesn't even need jump-jets to keep him afloat.

"Lucky bastard," she hears Cora mutter over comms. Cora's on a par with him, Lou thinks, could probably hold her own weight in the air as well if she tried.

"Raff," Alec barks, "I need you over here!"

-

Afterwards, she sits beside her brother in SAM Node with her head in her hands. Harry and Lexi keep coming by to reassure he'll be fine, he just needs time, give him time. They don't understand. Lou knows he'll be fine; he has to be after what he put them through. She wants him to wake up so she can tell him what an idiot he was, ask him if he's happy now he's gotten dad killed.

And it's not his fault, she knows that. It's not his fault the alien technology produced a shockwave that threw them off the platform, it's not his fault his visor cracked and dad's  didn't, it's not his fault dad made a stupid decision and saved Raff instead of himself. Maybe it's her father she should be angry at but he's not here so Raff will have to do.

Her brother is Pathfinder. Not Lou, not Cora Harper, Raff. Raff who has spent most of his life screwing things up.

Liam Kosta's gaze is gentle and his hands are warm. "You should rest," he says. "Dr T'Perro's threatening to come in her herself if I leave here empty handed. I can take over, don't worry."

Lou's too tired to argue, lets herself be led out of SAM Node and pushed gently in the direction of the medbay. Lexi checks her over. Cora is there, talking with Harry. Lou avoids her gaze. On Habitat 7, Lou almost went to pieces. Her brother choking out over her comms device, her father's body still and pale, Lou couldn't think, couldn't process. Cora took point.

Lexi tells her to lie down. Lou stares up at the bright lights of the Hyperion until her eyes ache.

Liam's voice crackles over the comms an hour or so later, "Everyone get to SAM Node, Ryder's awake!"

Lou doesn't move.

"You should go," Harry urges. "He'll want to see you."

"No," Lou says. "No, he really won't."

-

They are bound for the Nexus, Lexi walks Raff into the medbay. When she's done with him he comes to sit beside Lou, perching on the edge of her cot. "I'm sorry," he says, looks down at his hands in his laps. "I didn't want this. Any of this. Dad made a mistake."

"Yes," Lou agrees, not caring who hears. "He did."


	2. Chapter 2

Eos is dry and arid, full of toxic gas and toxic vents and red, red water. Raff hangs back with Liam while Lou and Cora bicker. It doesn't seem to matter to either of them that Raff is the Pathfinder, that he's supposed to take point here.

"So," Liam says. "Raff, huh? Short for riff-raff?"

Raff smiles. He likes Liam. Liam's simple, easy to get. "Ouch. Never heard that one before. It's short for Rafferty but only my - well, actually I suppose no one calls me that since both my parents are dead now."

Liam makes a face, claps him on the back. "Don't worry. All our parents are dead now and our siblings and their children and any of _their_ children and - " he stops short. "This isn't really a good topic of conversation, is it?"

"Well, I can think of a few worse ones. The certain doom we're all facing for a start."

Liam laughs. "Aren't you supposed to be our beacon of hope or something?"

They both wince as Harper's voice carries across the empty Promise site. "It doesn't matter what you think, Ryder! You're not Pathfinder, _I'm_ not Pathfinder, _he_ is! We do what he says!"

"Gonna be confusing," Liam says, "With two Ryders running about, I mean."

"Raff'll do for me. I prefer it, actually. Just don't call my sister Luella, she'll kick you right back to the Milky Way."

"Might be an improvement, actually."

-

Raff was wasted on Habit 7, didn't have time in all the excitement to snag a rifle better suited to his skills and relied mostly on his biotics. On Eos though, he has time to think and a rifle he snagged from Kandros. It's not what he's used to, heavier, unfamiliar in his grip, the scope is great but the clip is pitiful and reload takes a while but it'll do.

He's not a frontline fighter, never has been but give him a high vantage point and room to breathe and Raff can work miracles. He picks off the kett one by one as they swarm the abandoned site, stays mostly out of view.

Liam whoops when the kett are all downed, claps Raff on the back. "Nice shooting!" Even Harper quirks a smile in his direction. It's one of relief, Raff expects, one that says, _thank fuck I'm not stuck with a unskilled Pathfinder to babysit._

Lou's mouth is a thin line, she looks him up and down once and, satisfied, strides in the direction of the Nomad. "I'm driving," she announces.

Liam bristles on Raff's behalf, "Shouldn't the Pathfinder drive? It's kind of in his job description."

"If Raff drives they'll have to chalk this up as failed settlement mission number three," Lou calls over her shoulder.

Liam looks at Raff. Raff shrugs, "She's not wrong," he says, honestly.

-

The asari catches his sister off-guard, tackles her to the ground. Her face is very close to Lou's, Lou cheeks are red with rage. "Get _off_ ," Lou snarls, twists, sends the asari thudding to the ground.

The asari grins, laughs, "Not a fan of being sat on, huh?"

Lou brushes the dirt off her suit. "Not as such, no."

The asari introduces herself as Peebee, tells them about the monoliths, about the little bots that seem hellbent on killing them - "Remnant" she calls them - looks at Lou and calls her Pathfinder. Lou huffs, "Actually, he's the Pathfinder." She jabs her finger at Raff. Raff waves.

Peebee looks between them, confused and okay, maybe they do look _similar_ but not the _same._ It's momentary though and as soon as it's passed she sidesteps Lou and starts talking animatedly to Raff instead.

Raff can tell Lou's thinking up imaginative ways to hurt Peebee if this goes south. It's a twin thing, not just that her face is a thunder storm.

-

Eos turns out to be a lot of running. Running from and towards Kett, running from and towards Remnant, running from and definitely not towards the security systems of an ancient alien race far more advanced than anything in the Milky Way. When the cloud appeared, billowed out of the heart of the Vault, crackling and burnt, Raff was transfixed. Back in the calm and cool of the Tempest, Raff sits beside Gil in engineering and swings his legs out over the platform.

He's made his rounds, checked in on everyone and introduced himself, Harper's still prickly, Lou's stormy as ever but everyone else seems nice enough. They don't actively want to kill him, at least.

"So," Gil says. "Am I right in thinking there's a _little_ bit of tension between you and your sister?"

"Wow, you picked up on that, huh? Tell me, did you have some sort of intelligence training back on Earth?" Raff leans in very closely, "Are you a spy?"

Gil smirks, "Sarcy bastard, aren't you?"

Raff likes Gil but he's too sweet, too nice in that rough-round-the-edges sort of way. He's the kind of guy Raff could ruin and Raff's done ruining things. Right now it's playful between them but he'll set the record straight before it goes too far.

Raff beams, "I try. It's part of my winning personality."

"Yeah, so I've noticed," Gil says. He takes a swig of the bottle held loosely between his hands. It's beer, proper genuine Earth stuff, he says. Suvi has stashes of all sorts of stuff in all sorts of places and Vetra can get whatever they don't have. Raff shakes his head.

"Come on, Ryder, I don't have space-cooties," Gil insists.

"Those might actually be a thing out here, you know."

Gil shudders, "I'm trying _not_ to think about all the weird and wonderful bacteria and viruses we're currently exposing ourselves to, thanks."

"Seems smart," Raff says. "Might be a good way of getting to sleep at night."

Gil makes a face, offers the bottle again. "You sure you don't want a drink? After what you've just done, you deserve it."

And _oh_ , does Raff want. Raff's whole body aches for it, for alcohol, for _anything_. But the thing is, it'll never stop at one. Even on the Hyperion, they were sparing with what they gave him, barely any painkillers, nothing to help him sleep, nothing, nothing, nothing. Raff's trying to be annoyed about it, to be angry. It's for his own good. Lexi's already pulled him aside and told him she's well aware of his history, will be keeping a close eye on him. 

He made a promise to his sister, he made a promise to his father, he's not going to screw this up.

"I had a little problem back in the Milky Way," he explains and Gil looks honestly surprised. Guess he's the only one on the ship who hasn't parsed through Raff's rather inglorious Alliance record. It starts out okay, he makes it out of basic, is a glorified security guard for a while with his sister at Arcturus before they pick up on his potential as a sniper. Things get hazy after that.

And there's no rhyme or reason for it. Most people like to think there is, some unresolved trauma in Raff's past that festered beneath the skin and required drink and drugs to keep in check, to keep down. There's nothing. No horror stories from his service or mean parents or creepy neighbours, sure his dad was kind of a dick but what else is new? Half the galaxy could say the same. No, Raff's just a fuck up plain and simple. Always has been, probably always will be.

He should probably warn the crew.

"Say no more, say no more," Gil says. "It's okay if I drink though, right?"

"Sure, go for it." It's nice that he asked. Most people don't.

Gil takes a swig, and then another, makes a face like he's trying to pretend he's not enjoying it as much as he really is. "So," he prompts. "Your sister."

"Yeah, my sister." Raff hasn't spoken with her much since the Hyperion. On the Nexus she stood glued to his side, like a babysitter, like it was her job not Cora's to keep him safe and alive. He could see it in Tann and Addison's faces that the Directors aren't pleased, they've probably read through Raff's records, probably think he'll be easy to manipulate for their own goals, Lou complicates things. Raff loves her for it.

"I put her through hell back in the Milky Way, literal hell. Fucked up a lot. Trust me, she should be treating me _a lot_ worse."

-

He runs into Lou on the way to his quarters, scowling as she stalks out of the galley. He assumes she’s made the rounds as well, introduced herself to the rest of the crew. Liam’s already made it clear he’s not her biggest fan, Raff feels somewhat to blame for that, Harper’s not keen on either of them yet but she’s softening on Raff, he thinks. Drack’s already made it clear that given the choice, he’d follow Lou over Raff any day, Vetra seems wary of both of them but she’s been nice enough.

It’ll probably take a lot for them to get used to, they were all expecting to work for Alec Ryder, not his dysfunctional children but they’ll figure it out. They’ve got a balance going already if Eos is anything to go by, Lou takes point on combat situation, Raff finds paths. It’s not what anyone signed on for but it’ll work out. It kind of has to.

He should speak to Lou, find something to say beyond the occasional exchange in the field but not right now. Right now things are starting to seep in. His father’s death, the failed sites on Eos, the flickering lights on the Nexus, the weight of it all, the weight of it all.

Back in the Milky Way, this is the point he’d be reaching for the bottle. Instead, he retires to his quarters, sprawls out on the big double bed and stares up at the ceiling.

_Pathfinder._

SAM’s voice sounds different in his head, not in pitch or tone but _different._

“Yeah, SAM?” There’s no reason to answer out loud SAM can hear his thoughts but it makes the whole thing feel a little less weird.

_May I ask you a question?_

“Shoot.”

_When you refused Mr Brodie's drink you said that you had a problem._

"Is that really a question SAM?"

_Yes._

Raff curls his fingers into the sheets, "You have access to my memories, right?"

_Correct, Pathfinder however, I lack the emotional context for many of your actions._

"You know, SAM, so do I."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to everyone who has been reading and commenting, thank you <3

Back on the Tempest, Lou sets her stuff up in the other airlock, opposite Peebee. Regulations be damned. She's dragged a cot in, snagged some food from the galley. She's made her rounds of their new companions, most of them are wary of her.

Peebee was talkative, guarded but talkative, apologised for mixing up her and Raff, said it wasn't in an _all humans look the same way_ but a _you two share most of your genome and really do look the same_ and yeah, Lou can see it. Same olive skin, same green eyes, same dark eye that tends to curl when it's damp. On the Citadel, they used to dress up as each other all the time to confuse their mother, their teachers, their neighbours. They used to sub in for each other in lessons the other didn't like. They used to be more like one person than two.

When the knock at the door comes she thinks it must be Raff but no, it's Cora, leaning into Lou's room with an expression that clearly says she would rather not be there. "Ryder," she greets. There's a lilt to her accent that Lou finds strange, it's not always there, gets stronger when she's pissed. Cora grew up on some shitty cargo freighter, maybe she wants to hide it.

"Harper."

"May I come in?"

Lou wrinkles her nose at Cora's tone. Like Lou's some bratty teenager. Like Cora's the bigger person in this scenario. After a moment, Cora steps in anyway, stands against the door as it slides shut with her hands folded neatly behind her back, "We should talk."

Lou stands, "So, talk."

Cora's not good at hiding her emotions. Her cheeks flush, biotic energy crackles. She takes a deep breath and then another. _My father was right not to transfer SAM to you,_ Lou thinks about saying. Raff might be a freighter wreck but at least he can keep his biotics in check. "I'm sorry," Cora says, measured tones. "I usually have more control than this. A huntress should have better control."

Lou doesn't say anything, isn't about to comfort Cora for the way she wears her hurt on her skin. A huntress, though. She hasn't looked over anyone's records, SAM sent them all through to her omni-tool but honestly, Lou doesn't care where any of them came from, all that matters is what they do now they're here. She can glean the broad strokes though, Cora's biotic abilities are on par with her brother's and he has SAM enhancing them now, probably made the Alliance twitchy. Asari were probably more welcoming.

"You didn't come in here just to fry me with your biotics, though," Lou says.

Cora's mouth thins. "So that's genetic, huh?"

"Must be."

Cora sighs, leans against the door. "Some things stick," she says. "Like losing your old man."

It seems everyone knew Alec Ryder better than Lou did. Lou's not sure how she's meant to feel about that. Before mom died, she'd given up on the idea of ever really getting to know her dad, then Andromeda happened, then he died. She wanted that chance.

"I didn't really know him," Lou says.

Cora nods and for a moment, it looks like she's going to say something further. Some lie like _he spoke about you a lot, you know_ so Lou huffs, sits back down on the bed. "You didn't come here to talk about my father."

"No," Cora agrees. "No, your brother, actually." She pushes off the door, crosses the room to stand in front of the shelf holding everything Lou brought from the Milky Way; a few books, an old drive of family vids.

"I read through his Alliance records," she says, her back to Lou.

"He did well on Eos," Cora says, turning to face her. "I'm only having this conversation with you because I think you'll give me an honest answer: do you think he can handle this? Because if he goes off the deep end while we're still scrambling..."

Lou shifts. She feels odd talking about this with Cora but respected. It feels like Cora respects her. Or at least her opinion. That, or Cora really doesn't respect anyone else on their team and she's really desperate. "Are you asking me as a member of this team or as his sister?"

Cora considers. "A member of this team."

"He knows what's at stake," Lou says, honestly. "He's a good marksman, he's smart and like you said, he's done well so far."

Cora nods thoughtfully. For a few moments she's quiet, staring absently at the floor. Then she looks up, "And as his sister?"

Lou sighs. "He'll have to. We don't really have a choice here."

Cora rocks forwards on the balls of her feet. They do have a choice here, they both know it. Tann's already made it clear to them, Addison too. If they think Raff's not capable they can ask him to transfer SAM over to Cora, or failing that Lou. If he won't, they have the support of the Nexus is forcing him. Cora doesn't say this, doesn't say any of this but Lou knows she's thinking it.

Lou half wishes she would.

"Yeah," Cora says, eventually. "I suppose you're right. Thank you, Ryder."

-

They return to the Nexus, Eos has to be discussed. Raff's decided they'll have two hours free time before they head to Operations, Lou can't really deny him but she has no idea how she'll spend her shore leave.

As they disembark, she snags Raff by the collar, "If I catch you in the Vortex, I'll make you regret it."

"Alright, alright!" he shrugs her off.

Liam laughs beside him, "Don't worry, Ryder. I'll let you know if he turns up there."

Lou thanks him, stands on the docking platform and watches the team scatter to the wind. Cora, Drack and Vetra head for the shuttles, Peebee heads to the apartments, Liam to the Vortex. Raff wanders off in the vague direction of the tech labs. Suvi, Gil and Kallo are staying with the ship.

Lexi stands beside her. "I'm heading to the Hyperion to check in. Fancy it?"

With no other option, Lou nods.

Lexi chatters idly on the shuttle ride, talks about Drack and his many ailments and wonders aloud whether she's breaking doctor-patient confidentiality, talks about how she'd like to set up weekly sessions with Raff to help keep him on the straight and narrow, whether Lou has any tips on how to best approach it. Lou laughs at that one, she's tried and failed for years, tells Lexi as much. Lexi shrugs, Raff's still alive when by all accounts he shouldn't be. Should have overdosed or crossed the wrong dealer or something.

 

It’s sweet that she thinks so highly of her.

"You know," Lexi adds, after a beat or two. "That offer is open to you as well. I'm here to keep you mental health in check as much as your physical health."

Lou wants to laugh but doesn't, tells Lexi she'll be fine. She's been dealing with her dad's shit and her brother's shit since she was a kid. She can handle this.

When they reach the Hyperion Lou wanders aimlessly, checks in with Captain Dunn, finds herself on the path to her father’s quarters. The guard outside greets her timidly, says he’s been told only to allow her and Raff in, Lou doesn’t get the need for all the secrecy. All it is is a bunch of dead man’s things now, things that would be better served being of use to the other passengers, or the Nexus. That’s what Lou would want, anyway.

She hesitates before going in, heads into SAM node instead and takes a moment to breath in the comforting quiet, the hum and whirr of SAM’s mechanics as the doors slide shut behind her. “SAM?”

“Ryder,” the AI greets.

For a while Lou hated SAM. Hated the fact that this new, technological child had done for her father what she and her brother had apparently failed to do. “SAM, can I ask you something?”

“Yes, Ryder.”

“Did dad always mean to transfer you to Raff?”

SAM’s interface crackles. “It was always Alec Ryder’s intention to transfer this iteration of myself to one of  his children.”

“So why bother training Cora? Why not tell us? Tell me, at least?”

“Unknown,” SAM says.

Lou frowns. “But you were in his head. Like you are with Raff.”

“Correct. However, there are certain portions of his memories that your father has locked away. Your brother is in the process of unlocking them.”  There’s silence for a moment and then SAM says, “He did not tell you.”

Lou sighs, runs a hand through her hair. “No. No, he didn’t.”

SAM is quiet.

"So what was this? A contingency plan? Or did he always plan to die early and leave us a trail of breadcrumbs to follow."

"Unknown," SAM says. "It is possible your father intended this to be a backup plan, in case he did not have time to tell you in person."

"Or Raff," Lou mutters. She sighs. "Thanks SAM."

"Of course."

-

Her father's quarters look a lot like his room back in the Milky Way, clean, impersonal. She runs her hands over her father's guns, when they were children she and Raff would sneak into his rooms sometime to play with them. Their mother used to scream herself hoarse about it.

She still has an hour before she's due back to meet Raff so she sets a pot of coffee to brew while hunting through her father's computer. Most of the logs are still encrypted, Raff's working on them SAM informs her.

Lou's coffee goes cold as she listens.

-

When she makes it back to the docks, Raff is waiting for her with a pyjak sat on his shoulders.

"No," Lou says, almost reflexively.

"They were keeping her in a _crate,_ Ella," he says. "Besides, it's a request from the tech labs that we take her, so."

Lou rolls her eyes. "Cora's already in Operations. Let's go."

They leave the pyjak with Gil on the Tempest before stepping in to the shuttle. Raff is quiet, sat with his head leant against the window like there's a view. He smiles suddenly, a little quirk of the lips. Lou wonders if he's speaking to SAM.

"You didn't tell me about dad's memories," Lou says.

Raff meets her gaze, "No, I didn't." He says, evenly.

Lou could argue this, could start a fight but that's not what either of them need right now. She drops it. Lexi would probably call that unhealthy. God, she needs a drink. Too bad Liam's taken up residence in the Vortex.

This meeting goes smoother than the last, everyone's thrilled with the outpost. Kandros isn't too happy that Raff's skewed research rather than military but he'll be sending down a small force anyway, Lou gives him a quick debrief on the kind of combat they've faced, the Kett bases they sighted while driving across the dirt and cliffs.

She heads back to the Tempest afterwards, they're not leaving until late the next morning but she's got no other business on the Nexus, no one to check in with. Besides, if she stays with the ship the others can enjoy a night off.

The pyjak has gotten into her room, messed up her stuff. It chitters happily when she catches it, carries it through the ship to deposit it in her brother's room, it's his monkey after all. Since she's there she decides to do a quick sweep, she knows all of her brother's usual hiding places.

Sure enough, she turns up a bottle of whiskey. It's not even hidden well, just tossed into a box of spare scopes and ammo under Raff's bed.

She sits down on the bedspread, thinks very long and hard about throwing the bottle against the wall. Near the door so her idiot brother might cut his feet on the shattered glass.

When the door slides open, she's expecting Raff, is gearing up to scream at him, to grab him and fucking demand an explanation, to shake him by the shoulders until he understands what's at stake here because he clearly fucking doesn't, but no, it's Cora. Cora fucking Harper once again.

Cora's hand is near her sidearm, her eyes are narrowed. They widen when she sees Lou. Her hand falls to her side. "I thought I heard animal noises," she explains.

Lou huffs, can't even be bothered to pretend she's not pissed. "My idiot brother got a pyjak."

"Where'd he get that from?"

"Tech labs apparently."

Cora nods, leans against the doorframe. "You okay?"

Lou holds out the bottle.

"Oh," Cora says. Disappointment. She's disappointed. "What are you going to do with it?"

"Drink it," Lou says honestly. "I've just lost my dad and helped found an outpost in the Andromeda galaxy, I think I've earned it."

Core smiles fleetingly. "Want help with that?"

Lou really doesn't, but this way she won't be able to drink the whole bottle.


	4. Chapter 4

The Vortex is a mile away from the kind of places Raff used to end up back in the Milky Way. Far too small, far too clean. He tells Gil this as he's shuffling the cards. He's going to teach Raff poker then they're going to play with Vetra and Liam and Drack.

 _I can help you win,_ SAM says.

**No, that's okay.**

Gil's already made it clear that they don't have to be here if Raff's uncomfortable, they can play in the Tempest or somewhere but no, Raff wants to be in a place like this. _Needs_ to be in a place like this. He was going stir crazy on the ship, has walked every inch of it on their journeys between the Nexus and Eos, committed it to memory.

He hasn't slept much since Habitat 7, SAM's offered to help but Raff's not sure what that would involve. He forgets sometimes that SAM was mostly built to keep his mother alive, to keep her body working when she couldn't do it for herself. Thinking of her makes him ache for a drink, makes him glance over to the bar where Liam and Vetra are bickering. Liam laughs, throws back a shot.

Gil touches Raff's arm.

"We don't have to be here, you know," he says, voice soft, dark gaze earnest in the dim light.

"I'm fine," Raff says, flashes a smile.

Gil's fingers curl around Raff's wrist, "You sure?" He asks.

God, he'll break Raff's heart if Raff lets him.

-

It turns out Raff isn't any good at poker, must have had a lousy teacher. Gil laughs at that, snakes an arm around Raff's back and rubs his shoulder as they walk back to the Tempest.

"Don't be such a sore loser, Pathfinder," Liam says, on Raff's other side. He claps Raff on the back, must hit Gil's hand by accident because Gil hisses. His hand doesn't move though.

It feels odd to be the sober one, the one shepherding everyone else home. Good, though, he supposes. Hydroponics is dark as they pass through it, the docks are quiet. Gil keeps his arm around Raff as they walk, solid and warm against Raff's side. Liam sings half-nonsense tunes from Earth, low and interspersed with little bursts of laughter.

It's nice. Normal. Like they haven't thrown themselves across dark space into hell.

The guard outside the Tempest greets them sleepily. The ship is quiet, lights low. Raff's not sure if anyone's still aboard.

 _Your sister and Cora Harper are still aboard,_ SAM tells him. _The rest of the crew are in their apartments on the Nexus._

**Thanks, SAM.**

When they're aboard, Liam stumbles off in the direction of his room down in storage. Gil doesn't let go of Raff until they're near the quarters and there's a moment where Raff thinks he'll fuck it all up, give in to that itch under his skin and just -

But then it's gone, Gil smiles, "Night, Pathfinder," and steps back in to the quarters. Raff closes his eyes, leans against the wall of the corridor for a few moments.

 _You are attracted to Mr Brodie,_ SAM says. SAM's tone is smooth as ever but Raff thinks he can hear the question in the words.

"Yeah, maybe," Raff says out loud.

He thinks he can feel SAM processing that, a warm buzz in the back of his mind.

_I am able to detect certain things about Mr Brodie's physiology that you are unable to. Would you like me to tell you whether he is attracted to you, Pathfinder?_

Raff thinks of Gil's hand on his wrist, on his back, Gil's warm dark eyes and laugh.

"That's okay, SAM."

He steps into his quarters. Stops dead.

The bottle of whiskey he snagged from the Nexus is out on his bed, empty. There's no note pinned to it but he knows it was Lou.

 _This is unfortunate,_ SAM says. Guesses.

"That's one word for it."

-

Harry said there could be some lingering after effects; not quite withdrawal but something like it. Raff's system was flushed clean during the six hundred years he spent asleep but his mind hasn't caught up with that yet. 

They're back on Eos, clearing out as much of the kett as they can before they move on, head to the next world. Lou's pissed, says is he'd picked a military base over research they wouldn't have to worry so much about this. She's not the only one with that opinion. Raff's picked his companions carefully, gone with Vetra who keeps her comments quiet, mostly and Peebee, who isn't quiet at all but is perfectly happy poking around in the remnant structures they come across. He sends Lou and Drack and Cora out to a few other sites, Liam stays at Prodromos, helps out with the unpacking.

The sun on Eos is bright, Raff's hands shake. He lets Vetra drive, stretches out in the backseat. "Rough night?" Peebee grins from the front passenger seat.

Raff scrubs a hand across his face, "Something like that."

Vetra says nothing but her eyes flicker to Raff in the mirror.

He lets SAM take over in combat, lets SAM dictate his vantage points and point out enemies but by midday - or what Raff approximates to be midday - Raff's head is splitting. He taps out, tells Peebee and Vetra they're welcome to hook up with the others and heads back to the cool of the Tempest.

 _Pathfinder,_ SAM says, _I can help if you let me._

"I'm fine, SAM."

Lexi fusses over him, gives him a shot of painkillers and makes him site under the bright medbay lights while she scans him and makes him clench and unclench his hands. It's mostly psychological, she says, like that's supposed to be a comfort. It should wear off soon.

That's what Harry said, back on the Hyperion. Soon.

It's not their fault. People like Raff were never meant to be on the Nexus, alcohol dependency was part of their screening. Raff's only here because of his dad, because of his sister.

When Lexi's satisfied he sprawls out on the double bed in his quarters. Whatever Lexi's given him has dulled the pain but everything's slightly fuzzy at the edges. Raff drifts.

His mind keeps going back to Habit 7, to SAM node, after. Pathfinder. He's Pathfinder.

There's a whole ship of people relying on him. Missing arks to find. Hostile aliens to fight.

All those people. All those people and he's the one meant to lead them out of hell.

_Pathfinder._

**Yes?**

_Your sister is outside your door. Should I permit her entry?_

Raff sighs, closes his eyes. "She'll find a way in if you don't."

The door slides open and Lou strides in, boots heavy on the metal floor. She's quiet for a moment and Raff waits, wonders if it'll be the whiskey that comes up first or dad and _fuck -_ he didn't mean not to tell her, had always intended to but somewhere along the line it just got lost.

"Fuck you, Raff," Lou says, quietly. "You're such a fuck up."

 _I'm trying,_ Raff thinks. _I didn't ask for this._

"Why are you still here then?" Raff bites back. This scene has played out tonnes of times, there's much more at stake here now than before, there are better things he could say but this is easy, familiar.

"Because everyone in this godforsaken galaxy is depending on you," Lou snaps. And that's new, that's a deviation. She's supposed to say _because I made a promise to our mother._

Raff opens his eyes.

Lou's already leaving.

 _Mr Brodie is in engineering, Pathfinder,_ SAM says.

-

Gil's hands are warm through the fabric of Raff's t-shirt. Raff sits on the edge of the platform in engineering; Gil is behind him, arms around Raff's torso, breath warm against his neck. Gil's had two beers, Raff can smell it on his breath. Makes him want to lick it from Gil's tongue.

"Gil - " Raff says. His hands still shake.

This is wrong, he shouldn't do this.

"We shouldn't. I'm a fuck up, Gil. I'll only screw you up."

Gil groans, "Oh, you're one of _those._ " He pulls away to settle next to Raff. "That's the trouble with all you former-alliance," he says, good-naturedly. "You've all got this sexy tortured thing going on but you're so _dramatic_ about it."

"I'm sorry," Raff says, honestly.

Gil smiles, nudges Raff's shoulder with his. "Hey, it's alright. I can't help it if I'm so irresistible even the Pathfinder goes weak in the knees at the thought of me. I'm glad you told me _before_ though, after is always awkward."

Raff grins.

Gil sighs, shakes his head. "Such a waste," he laments.


	5. Chapter 5

Aya is beautiful, the kind of place Lou wished she could visit when she was a kid on the Citadel watching old Earth vids. She never dreamt there were worlds like this back then, couldn't comprehend of anything but artificial sunlight and designated green areas.

They're all in the cockpit, watching her brother - their Pathfinder - led away by aliens.

"I don't like this," Vetra says, from somewhere behind her.

"They let us land safely," Cora says, but her knuckles are white where she's gripping the back of Kallo's chair. "If they wanted us dead they could have shot us down then."

"So what?" Liam demands, "We just wait?"

Gil's voice crackles over the comms. "Given the state my ship is in we're not going anywhere fast."

"It'll be alright," Cora says.

"As long as our Pathfinder's as charming as he usually is I think we'll be fine," Drack rumbles.

"Well, this is going to be disaster," Vetra says.

"No, he knows what he's doing." Cora says, looks to Lou. "He knows what he's doing."

"Sure," Lou lies.

Raff's out of sight by now, all there is to stare at is the city and the green. Cora exhales. Suvi twists in her chair to face Lou. "Are you alright?" she asks, softly.

Lou blinks. "I'm fine."

-

Lou prefers the stark white and freezing winds of Voeld to the damp, choking heat of Havarl, she's probably alone in that sentiment. The kett are monsters, more monstrous than anything any of them could imagine. Ahead of them on the snowy platform, Jaal cuts a path, roaring, blindly furious. Lou's still not sure they should have brought him aboard but she has to admit, she finds his wide bright eyes and watercolour skin somewhat endearing.

Raff charges after him, Cora's calls to be careful fall on deaf ears. Lou grits her teeth, follows after him, provides covering fire while Raff throws off shockwaves and launches himself into nova blasts. He's an idiot, an idiot, an idiot. He's not a frontline fighter, he should be hanging back. She loses track of how often she has to yank him behind cover because he's let his shields deplete.

While they wait for extraction, a choice must be made: destroy the facility or leave it in the Cardinal's hands, save the Angara imprisoned below.

Lou knows which way she'd go. There are more Angara out there than in here but if they leave this place standing there might not be.

The Moshae begs that they destroy the facility, make sure the kett cannot do this to more of her people. Jaal makes a noise like he's being wrenched apart. Lou feels for him, she does, it's one thing to learn the monsters you've been fighting are your own flesh and blood reconstructed, another to make a decision like this.

"Ryder," he says, looking at Raff. " _Please._ "

Raff looks to Lou.

Lou keeps her mouth shut.

Raff growls, kicks out at a nearby kett in his frustration. "Fine," he says, tone clipped. "Save your people. You can keep this monster factory."

Jaal breathes out.

The Cardinal smiles.

Raff waits until the Cardinal turns away to empty his clip into her.

Lou smiles. If Raff hadn't, she would have.

-

Things are subdued back on the Tempest. Everyone drifting around, trying to process. Raff leaves the task of passing along their findings to the Nexus to her, not officially but he shows no indications of doing it, won't unless someone directly tells him to. Tann and Kesh are unimpressed, Kandros and Addison prefer her. They thank her, voices terse, ask that she has the Pathfinder contact them immediately.

Lou sighs as the call disconnects, leans on the table for a few moments eyes closed. She keeps thinking of the Angara they saw being folded into a kett, the sounds of bones cracking and reforming, skin splitting.

"Is there anything to suggest they have similar plans for us?" Kandros had asked.

"We have to assume," Lou said.

She lets herself stand quietly for a few minutes, keeping her mind carefully blank before she pushes off the table. She should check on Raff. If this isn't a trigger, she doesn't know what is.

Cora's down in research, bent over one of the interfaces. She looks up when Lou appears. "Ryder," she greets. "Can I have a word?"

"I should check on - " Lou starts but Cora cuts her off.

"Your brother's in engineering with Gil and Liam. Don't worry. They'll watch out for him." She starts towards the bio-labs, "Come on."

Lou's half forgotten Cora set up in here, surrounded by plants and humidifiers. She doesn't seem the type. Peebee and Raff and even Vetra sometimes take a moment when they're planetside to take in the view, to marvel at the new plants and wildlife. Lou only takes notice because Dr Camden in hydroponics asked her to. "Nice place you got here," she comments.

"Lots of green," Cora says, arms crossed. "Helps me think." Cora sighs, paces, curls and uncurls her fingers like she's not quite sure what to do with them. "They aren't just conquerors," she says, angrily. "Or slavers. The kett turn everything you are to their advantage. Worst kind of enemy - the one that makes you fight your own people."

"We'll destroy them," Lou says. "We can't let them spread."

Cora breathes very deeply. Nods.

"You think Raff made the wrong call on Voeld?"

"I don't know," Cora admits, after a moment. "I don't know what I would have done." She's still pacing. It's making Lou dizzy watching her, she half reaches out to hold Cora still until she remembers where she is, who they are.

"Friends, neighbours," Cora mutters. "All changed. And they're loyal to what changed them."

"This is really getting to you," Lou says. She's kind of surprised. Since Eos, she and Cora haven't clashed so much but they're not close, not friends. She feels like she shouldn't be seeing this.

"Kandros wants strategies for handling the kett. I talked with Drack while you were checking in at the Nexus, started putting some ideas together but... I don't know, I wish your dad could give me his take."

Lou raises an eyebrow. "We got this," she says. "We don't need his take."

Cora stops pacing to look at her. Looks at her like she's never really seen her before. It makes Lou feel warm all over. She's not stupid, Cora's attractive, pretty in that way that promises she could kick your ass as easily as she could break your heart, exactly Lou's type. That's one thing the Ryder twins have in common, the tendency to go for people who could snap them in two if they wanted.

"You really aren't phased by anything, are you?" she asks. "You just bounce back."

"Yeah," Lou says, looking away. "Kind of had to learn to take things in stride, not to let things get to me." It sounds stupid as she says it, she half expects Cora to thin her lips and point out that this is hardly in the same arena as having a fucked up brother and a dying mom and an absent father. It's not even in the same universe. Or galaxy, even.

"If I did, I don't think I'd be able to keep going," Lou adds and Cora nods.

"Lexi would tell you that's unhealthy," she says.

Lou smiles. Lexi already _has_ told her it's unhealthy. "And you? What do you think?"

Cora shrugs, "I think anything that keeps you going is fine by me." Then she makes a face, "Look, I know I haven't been the most - " she pauses, casts around for the word, " _accommodating_ team mate but I just want you to know that I respect you. What you did for your brother - what you do for us, the team, the Nexus - it's a lot. And I just want you to know I'm grateful and sorry for being such a brat."

Lou snorts, "A brat?"

"I was maybe a little jealous," Cora admits. "Back in the Milky Way, with your father."

At that Lou laughs. "You shouldn't have been. He trusted you a lot more than he ever trusted me. Probably liked you a whole lot more too."

"You shouldn't say that," Cora says, sighs. She's moved closer, Lou could reach out and brush her hair behind her ear if she wanted to. She won't though. She'll be fine until they get to the Nexus, find some pretty girl or boy to bed and move on. "I know Alec - your father was a difficult man but he cared about you."

"Yeah," Lou says. She steps back.

"What we're doing here is good," Cora says, like Lou needs reassurance. "We have Eos at least. With those Vaults up and running who knows, maybe I can settle there someday. Finally have that rose garden of my dreams."

" _Rose garden_?" Lou repeats.

Cora laughs, a pink blush spreads across her cheeks. "It's stupid. I used to dream of it when I was a kid. Growing up on a freighter, you know. Roses in Heleus."

"I don't think it's stupid," Lou says honestly. "It's good to have something to - something to look forward to."

Cora smiles. "What about you? You got any plans for when we kick the kett out of this system?"

Lou blinks. Has never really thought about it before. She came here because her dad asked her too, stayed to keep her brother breathing. There's not been much room for herself in there. "I don't know," she admits.

"Well, I'll let you know if I need help planting my roses," Cora says.

Lou smiles, faintly. "I think I left my overalls and straw hat back in the Milky Way."

Cora laughs again. Loudly, prettily. "Thanks, Ryder," she says. "Somehow you always make me feel better. Even if it's just by getting me mad at something else."

-

The Moshae needs her rest, one of the Resistance medics has come aboard to help Lexi out, has advised against making the journey to Aya just yet. As soon as it's announced, Peebee springs towards Raff, catches him by the wrist and drags him forwards, "Come on then! You heard Lexi. Vaults! Rem-tech!"

"Couldn't hurt," Liam adds. "Might be able to do something about all this snow and ice. Voeld could support a settlement someday."

"There are too many kett here to set up a settlement safely," Cora says.

They end being split into two teams, Raff takes Peebee and Jaal and Cora to activate the monoliths, Lou is left with Vetra, Drack and Liam to clear out kett bases. Before they  move out, Lou does a quick loop around the Resistance camp, checks in with the occupants, sees if there's anything else they can do while they're out there. The angara are grateful, it will go a long way with Evfra.

"Can I ask you something, Ryder?" Vetra asks, as they huddle round an angaran heat lamp and shove protein bars into their mouths.  

Lou sighs, Vetra goes on anyway. "You're such a hard ass on your brother."

"Is that a question or a statement of fact?"

Vetra tilts her head, "It's an invitation for elaboration."

Drack and Liam are huddled around a second heat lamp, a little way away but they're listening, Lou knows it. Drack's at least pretending not to be, Liam is not as subtle. "You didn't know him in the Milky Way," Lou answers, tone clipped. "He did a lot of shit that hurt our family."

"Like the drinking?" Liam calls and Lou's not sure if Raff's told him or if Liam's finally looked through their records but she tenses at his tone, at the barely concealed anger. If Raff told him he probably wove a sob story. "Because that doesn't sound deliberate, Ryder. Sounds like he needed help."

The _help from you,_ goes unsaid but Lou hears it anyway, has heard it every time she's had this conversation before. They don't understand how she can be so cruel when he's so clearly hurting, when he's an open, festering wound crying out for something - anything. They think she's making it worse. They have no idea what it's really like. Back in the Milky Way she could have just left well enough alone, be safe in the knowledge that Raff would screw up at some point and they'd leave. That's the way it went.

She can't hope that here, can't hope Liam has to eat his words when Raff goes missing for a week and turns up half dead in some slum bar somewhere.

"Trust me, Kosta," Lou says, not looking over at him. "He had every form of help on offer. Turns out the only thing strong enough to stick was six hundred years in stasis."

Liam scoffs. Vetra clicks thoughtfully. "Oh, don't mind me, Ryder," she says, when Lou looks at her. "I'm still just trying to work out whether you actually hate him or whether you just _want_ to hate him."


	6. Chapter 6

Kadara is a lot more familiar to Raff, messy and crowded and full of people just as fucked up and desperate as he is. Was. Whatever. Kralla's Song is comforting, he can travel across dark space and there'll still be dives like this to swallow him up on the other end.

He's behaving himself, Lou has Vetra keeping a close eye on him from across the bar. Liam and Drack are there too but he doubts they'll be much of a help. It's a pity, Umi looks like she could mix up a treat. As it is, he orders a soda water and lime, ignores the looks he gets and scans the crowd for Evfra's contact.

"You look like you're waiting for someone."

Raff twists to face the stranger, looks him up and down, all dark skin and golden eyes. "Can it be you?" Raff asks, flashing a grin. "Only I've had some bad luck recently and you look like you could be - "

"Fun?" The man suggests, arching a brow.

" _Interesting,_ I think is the more professional term."

The man laughs, short and genuine. He nods to Umi who rolls her eyes and produces two glasses of whiskey. Raff's fingers twitch on the bar. "I don't," he says.

"A shame," says the man, downing them both. When he sets the empty glasses down, he extends a hand, "Shena, but I hate codenames. You should call me Reyes."

Raff shakes it. "Raff - Rafferty - but I suppose you know that."

Reyes inclines his head.

"You're not who I expected," Raff says. "You're less..."

"Angaran?" Reyes guesses. He's leant against the bar, body angled towards Raff's. Everything he does looks very deliberate, very calculated. "Evfra is an exceedingly practical man and he understands the benefits of having a man of my skills at his disposal."

Raff leans forwards. "What skills are those?"

Reyes smirks, laughs again. He signals Umi over again, raises one hand to wave her over. "I am very good at finding information, finding what he needs, making the right friends." He sets his hand back down on the bar, parallel to Raff's, close enough that their fingers brush.

"Oh," Raff says. His mouth is very dry. "I bet you are."

-

"He's playing you," Vetra says from the backseat of the Nomad. "Come on, Ryder, even you have to see that."

"Hey," Raff says. "I know it's hard for you to believe but some people like me for _me_ , Vetra. Not just the AI in my head or my fancy title."

Liam sniggers, "Well, that's why _I'm_ here at least."

"I thought we were friends," Raff says.

Liam shrugs, "Sorry, Pathfinder, but I'm only here for SAM."

"I am pleased to hear that Mr Kosta," SAM says through their comms.

"Yeah, yeah," Raff mutters. "We'll see how smug you are when I short circuit you, SAM."

"I must advise against that course of action, Pathfinder. I am keeping you alive, after all."

Vetra laughs. Raff shakes his head. It's nice, being out here with them, pressed together in the Nomad and laughing. Lets Raff get out of his own head. Makes it seem like there's not a whole galaxy depending on him. There's just them and this planet and a trail of bodies.

"I think you're beginning to rub off on him, Ryder," Liam says, thumping Raff on the shoulder.

"Just as long as SAM doesn't start falling for pretty boys in dive bars," Vetra says. "Ryder, I'm serious. There's a reason he's out here and not still on the Nexus."

Raff rolls his eyes as the Nomad rolls to a halt. "I'm investigating a murder for him, not getting married to him, Nyx. Besides, I'm a big boy."

"Oh yeah? That why you need the two of us to hold your hand on your first date?" Vetra teases.

"Look, if you want to explain to my sister why I ended up dead in some Roekarr stronghold you be my guest."

"Yeah," Liam says, opening the Nomad door. "No thanks. Let's get going."

The little prefab is empty, Raff frowns. "Reyes should be here."

"Keep it in your pants, Ryder," Liam scoffs. "Or out, whatever."

Raff smiles, "That's not - "

But he doesn't get to finish, there's a gun pointed in their direction. A few guns. "Were we talking too loud?" Raff asks.

-

When Raff was a kid, he used to get beat up a lot. He wasn't weedy or anything, he wasn't all that weird. He was just mouthy. Lou used to drag him home with a bloody nose and two black eyes, wincing as her knuckles swelled up blue and black. She used to keep a tally on their bunk beds of all the jaws she broke.

His mom would clean them up in the kitchen, rub medigel into their cuts and soothe their bruises and she used to say, "One day, that smart mouth of yours is going to get you killed, Raffey."

And yeah, Raff thinks it probably will.

As it is, they deal with the Roekaar with Reyes' help and after, Raff scans the murder hideout, taking down all the evidence Reyes needs on the murders. Reyes follows him, Liam and Vetra make fools of themselves as they comb the place for anything useful, making kissy faces in their direction.

"You are not going to thank me, then?" Reyes asks, at Raff's shoulder. "I did save your life."

"We could have handled it," Raff says, eyes fixed on his omni-tool display. "Your entrance was nice though. Some might say _explosive._ "

Reyes looks away this time when he laughs, shakes his head. "Perhaps you should resign as Pathfinder, become the first comedian of the Heleus cluster."

"You know, I've suggested it. No one on the Nexus was very impressed."

-

"A _smuggler,_ " Lou hisses, back on the Tempest. They're down in the hold, Raff's fiddling with his gun, switching out the scope. "And since you like him he's no doubt going to be a disaster."

"Oh my _god,_ " Raff says, looking pointedly across the room at Vetra.

Vetra shrugs. "Your pyjak ate all my chocolate," she says, like that's a satisfactory explanation for anything.

"And unlike _you,_ she's actually taking this seriously," Lou snaps.

"I _am_ taking this seriously!" Raff protests.

Above them, Gil groans from engineering, "If you two start up again I'm locking you in the airlock together until you make nice."

"We'd kill each other first," they say, in unison.

"Awh," Peebee croons, leans over the balcony to peer down at them. "They're adorable, Gil."

Whatever. _Whatever._ Raff narrows his eyes at his sister, slams his old scope onto the workbench with a little more force than necessary. Cora hails them from the meeting room.

 _I've got a location on Ark Leusinia_ , Cora says, over the comms.

-

"That flight recorder was a mess," Lou says, arms folded across her chest. "Are you sure that navpoint is solid?"

Cora meets her gaze across the table. "Worst case we get a little closer," she says evenly. "I'll take a good chance over no chance." She looks back to Raff. "We need the Asari and Sarissa more than ever. We should find them before the Kett do."

-

The Asari Ark isn't in good shape; Sarissa turns out to be a lot less than Cora promised. When they get back to the Tempest, Cora thanks him then apologises and before Raff can ask what for, she leaves, striding very deliberately in the direction of her room in the bio lab.

Raff stands next to Lou in the cargo bay and stares after her. For a moment, they stand in silence then Lou speaks, "Thank you," she says, stiffly. "For trusting her."

Raff looks at his sister. He should say something along the lines of _you're welcome_ or, at the very least, _it was on my way anyway._ Instead, he holds her gaze and says, "I didn't do it for you."

On the balcony above them, Gil and Peebee sigh.

Lou exhales slowly. "Sure," she says. "Whatever, Raff." And strides off after Cora.

-

As Raff passes through the Research Room, Kallo hails him. "Oh, Pathfinder, that reminds me. While you were on the Ark, you had a call from Vidal, he wants you to call him when you get a chance."

Raff smiles, "Thanks Kallo, I was thinking we should swing back by Kadara anyway."

"Oh, I'm _sure_ you were," Liam says, looking up from whatever he's doing to smirk.

"I _was,_ " Raff insists, he's trying to look serious but he can't stop grinning, can't stop this warm feeling spreading through his chest. "It'd be a good place for a settlement someday which we'll need if we keep finding more Arks."

Vetra tuts, "I'm sure Sloane would _love_ that."

Liam nods, "Alright, alright. I suppose Vidal's just a perk, then?"

"Jealous?"

Liam rolls his eyes, "You _wish_ Ryder."


	7. Chapter 7

 

She finds Cora in her room, head in her hands. "Can I just do this day over, please?" she asks, when Lou approaches her. "And not have a Pathfinder stripped of everything she loves?"

Lou stays silent for a moment. She's never been good at this. She should be, considering all the practise she's had with Raff, with her mother dealing with Raff, but she's not. She's just not. It's okay, eventually Cora goes on.

"I put so much faith in Sarissa but the Asari are just as lost as we are." She looks up at Lou, her expression bare and open. Too open. Lou has to look away. Look away or drown.

Lou wants to tell her that she's disappointed too, that as they approached the Ark, she hoped too that they would find someone, anyone to point them in the right direction but Vederia is just as inexperienced as Raff, maybe more so. She doesn't though. That's not what Cora needs. "We're not lost," she says, ghosting a hand over Cora's shoulder. "We're finding our way."

Cora exhales. "He's doing well, your brother. He makes decisions that I - " she breaks off for a moment then looks back up at her. "Thank you for being there on the Leusinia. I - just thank you."

Lou looks down at her feet. Her cheeks feel warm. "You're welcome."

Cora is smiling when Lou looks back up, a weak little thing. "Can I tell you something?"

"Anything."

"Your father was right to choose Raff over me. I don't blaze a trail. I always look for the mentor, their plan... As a Pathfinder my mistakes would be worse than Sarissa's."

"Everyone makes mistakes, Cora," Lou says. "But you're still - " she stops herself. Cora's studying her intently but she doesn't press the issue.

"You would have made a great Pathfinder," Cora says, softly. "You still might. Raff should name you as his second."

"Cora - " Lou starts.

Cora smiles gently, "You always do that, sell yourself short."

"My mother used to tell me that," Lou says. She smiles at the memory, her mother's soft hands, kind voice soothing out the aches and insecurities.

"In the field, in combat, you're in command," Cora says. "Raff might be our Pathfinder but you're the one keeping him safe."

Lou's smile doesn't fade, "Yeah, well, I've had practise."

Cora tilts her head to the side slightly, "Tell me about it?"

It takes Lou a moment to figure out whether Cora's being genuine or not but she is, she must be. Lou pulls out the chair beside her and settles into it. She's still in her armour, hasn't thought to change out of yet. She sets her helmet down on the table.

"It was..." she starts but the words stick in her throat. Cora is part of their team, works with Raff every day. Things could get awkward if Lou spills her guts now. Lou sighs. "I shouldn't."

She goes to stand up but Cora catches her by the wrist. "Wait, it'll do you good to talk." She tugs Lou back down towards her chair, only lets go when Lou stumbles. A blush, soft and pink, starts to spread across her cheeks. "I can keep things professional. Nothing you say to me will change the way I act with your brother."

"You sound like Lexi," Lou mutters but she sits back down anyway. She hasn't had anyone to talk about this with since her mother died. "It was difficult. Especially after mom got ill. He'd go missing for days, weeks. I never knew if I'd find him alive or if - " she breaks off, steeples her fingers in front of her face.

"He was gone for three months once, went AWOL from his Alliance Unit, no one could find him. I felt sick every time someone hailed me, every time someone came to the door. My mother - she spent a lot of credits trying to find him. Turned out he was shacked up with some disgraced N7, strung out on God knows what. Those credits could have been used for my mother's treatment, for research, anything but - " she huffs.

She's caught up in the memory of it all, in that gnawing anxiety, in the tears in her mother's voice every time Lou suggested they give up, every time Lou suggested that maybe Raff didn't want to be found this time. _He's my little boy, Lou, your brother. We can't abandon him. We can't, we can't._

"That was his pattern. Straighten up, fuck up, go missing for a while. Either he'd turn up or I'd find him in some drug den or bar or some rogue's bed. He was such an easy mark for them, they all had him wrapped around their little fingers within a few days. Con artists, thieves, pirates. Men like that."

"Men like Reyes," Cora says.

"Men like Reyes," Lou agrees. "But every time, I'd go out and find him, bring him home for my parents. Didn't matter about my work, or my life I'd just - " It's like now she's started, it just won't stop, the words pour out of her. She should stop. She'll say something she regrets.

"You know, at the end, he was all my mother talked about. Wanted him to be there, wanted to know where he was, kept asking if it was her fault - if she should have done more for him. She was _dying_ and that was all she could think about. I didn't want to leave her. I wanted to be there for - you know but she was just so damn _insistent._ She was dead before I found him. Probably died wondering where we were, why we hadn't come to see her."

She jumps when Cora lays a hand on her shoulder. Through the armour it's hard to feel more than the barest hint of pressure. Cora rubs soothing circles. "I'm sorry," Lou says. "I shouldn't have  - "

"It's fine," Cora says firmly.

Lou looks up at her, her vision is slightly blurred. Fuck, she's crying. She blinks hard, tries to clear them. There's a lump in her throat. "You would have made a great Pathfinder," she says and she means it. For all her jealousy, for all their arguments at the start of this mission, Cora Harper is someone Lou would have been happy to follow.

"Lou - " Cora starts but Lou stands up and this time, Cora doesn't move.

"I should go," Lou says. "Get out of this armour, you know."

She doesn't look back as she leaves.

-

In the shower later, she plays it all back in her head on repeat, tries to parse out the meaning behind it all. Most likely there is no meaning, Cora's just being decent person, a good team mate, letting Lou vent like Lou lets Vetra vent about Sid or Kallo about Gil.

Cora's never mentioned romance or fuck, anything, not even in passing or during their rare team meals where everyone pretends they're just a normal crew without the weight of a galaxy on their shoulders. She's too much of a pro. But she was a huntress so maybe - but no, that doesn't necessarily track.

Lou shuts off the water with a frustrated sigh. She's probably run down the last of the hot water. She steps out into the steam and shakes Cora from her mind, she's got more pressing issues to worry about anyway.

She dresses slowly, mulls over her options. Vetra, she decides. Vetra is her best bet.

"Vetra, you around?" she calls into her comms.

Vetra's reply is instant, "Where else would I be?"

“Need something?” Vetra asks, when Lou enters the armoury. “Need something done?”

Lou hitches herself up onto a mostly empty workbench, unwraps the protein bar she snagged from the galley on her way. “What do we actually know about Reyes Vidal?”

Vetra laughs, sets down the rifle she’s working on and shakes her head. “We just found the Asari Ark, don’t you think you deserve a night off from this?”

Lou smiles as Vetra moves across to her terminal. “No rest for the wicked.”

“There’s not much on Vidal,” Vetra says, pulling up a file that seems to be mostly nonsense symbols and error messages. “The exiles files were corrupted when they left the Nexus. All I could find is that he was an Alliance pilot,  call sign Anubis. Heard of it?”

Lou pushes off the workbench to stand over Vetra’s shoulder. “No.”

“Me neither, I’m running a search programme through the rest of the Nexus personnel files to see where it’s mentioned. It’s not - uh - strictly _allowed_ so maybe don’t mention it to anyone?”

“You’re safe with me,” Lou assures.

“Good. Anyway, aside from that it’s all the stuff we know: he ended up on Kadara, he’s not technically affiliated with either Sloane or the Collective, but there are rumours and he’s working for the angaran Resistance. Mostly he seems to work for whoever’s willing to pay him the most. He has a reputation, he’s fast and efficient but I haven’t turned up any horror stories yet.” She sits back in her chair, tilts her head back to peer up at Lou. “You want me to keep looking?”

Lou crosses her arms, “I dunno. You’ve met him, right? What did you think?”

“I mean, I was present while he blew up some roekarr, I didn’t really _meet_ him. Then again, he did blow up those roekarr. If he wanted us dead, he could have just not turned up.”

Lou sighs.

“Look,” Vetra says. “Raff’s a big boy, he can handle himself. And I don’t know if I’d say I _trust_ Vidal but he hasn’t given us any reason to doubt him yet.”

“And if this was Sid we were talking about?”

“Well that’s different - ” Vetra starts to say but stops. “Huh.”

“Yeah,” Lou says. “Huh. Don't know what I'm going to do though."

Vetra snorts, "I'm not getting involved. You two are as bad as each other. But you could try talking to him."

Lou laughs, "That's never worked before."                  

"I know," Vetra says. "But things are different now, right?"

Lou sighs. Maybe she's right.

-

Gil's asleep in the quarters, Lou can hear him snoring through the door and Jaal and Liam are talking in the galley so Raff must be in his room. Lou stands outside and stares at the closed doors.

They haven't spoken much since the Hyperion, since that little conversation on the Nexus shuttle. She's never really thought about how awkward it all must be for their team mates, she knows from experience what it's like living with two people who openly can't stand each other. Before he pissed off, her dad and Raff used to fall out almost nightly.

 _We’ve got a good bet going,_ Drack told her once. _On which of you is going to try and kill the other first._  

_Oh yeah, what’s your bet?_

_Well,_ he’d rumbled. _Seems to me the safest bet is that he tries to kill you first but you come out on top._

She raises her hand to knock, hears SAM's voice from within the room and then, after a lengthy pause, her brother speak.

The doors slide open.

Raff's sat at his terminal, the pyjak in his lap, it's long tail slung across his shoulder and curled gently around the back of his neck. He's dressed for sleep, long-sleeved soft t-shirt and loose joggers, there's a plate of food on his desk untouched. Lou finds herself drinking it all in, falling back on old habits, looking for anything out of place, any  hint of drink, of drugs.

 There's a new tank by his desk, a little furry creature sits inside, chittering happily. She vaguely recalls Peebee talking about it, the space hamster they found in the cargo bay. Lou crosses to it's tank, lowers her hand gently down until she can run her fingers along the smooth fur of it's back.

"Drack wanted to eat it," Raff says. "But then, he wanted to eat my pyjak too, so."

Lou nods, "It's becoming quite the menagerie in here."

"Yeah, I'm thinking of asking Sid to get me a cat next time we dock."

"You're allergic," Lou reminds him.

"Cats are worth it," Raff grins but it fades fast. He fidgets absently with the pyjak's tail until it snatches it away from him. "What did you want?"

"I wanted to talk to you about Vidal."

Raff sighs.

Lou crosses her arms, "Come on, we both know he's exactly the type of guy you'd take up with back home and end up - "

"And what about Cora?" Raff snaps. The pyjak leaps away from him, chittering nervously.

"What about her?" Lou hisses.

“Are we going to pretend she’s not completely your type too?” he snaps. “Nice by the books bad ass that you know will take the fall for you if things go South? Didn’t go so well last time did it?”

Lou closes her eyes. Breathes deeply. Counts to ten. Keeps getting stuck around five and having to start all over. “That was different,” she says, very carefully. “And you know it.”

“Oh, I know it,” Raff sneers. “When _you_ fuck up it’s all _that happened once, it’s different_ but when _I_ fuck up it’s held over my bloody head until the day I die!”

“It _is_ different,” Lou insists. “I learnt from my mistakes.”

Raff stands up, “So have I!”

Lou takes an almost unconscious step backwards. He’s not going to try and fight her, he’s tried before and it’s never gone well but just in case. Just in case. “Have you?” she asks.

“ _Yes_ ,” he growls. He reaches up, tugs at his hair in frustration. “It’d be a lot easier if you’d stop treating me like a kid!”

“I’ll stop treating you like one when you stop acting like one!” Lou snaps.

There’s silence then. Raff looks at her, long and reproachful. “You sounded just like her then,” he says.

And yeah, Lou realises, she did. It throws her a little, memories of their mother rising unbidden in the back of her mind. She blinks hard, tries to regain her footing. “You didn’t tell me about dad,” she says. “You kept that from me. Now you won’t even talk to me honestly about this.”

She takes a step towards him, he takes a step back.

“I’m not asking you this as a sister, I’m asking you this as one of the people trying to keep you alive.”

Raff is quiet again for a few moments and Lou thinks maybe, just maybe, Vetra was right. Things are different. Lou is different, Raff is different. Everything is suddenly very important and it’s bigger than them and the long and bloody history they’ve shared. It could be like it was when they were kids again, maybe.

But then Raff shakes his head.

“No,” he says. “No. You’re doing this because you think I can’t handle myself. You still think I’m a fuck up, don’t you? You think I don’t get how serious this is.”

“ _Raff_ \- ” Lou starts.

" _Ella_ ," Raff throws back, like a child. He seems to regret it though, sets his jaw, crosses his arms. "Why can't you just leave?"

"Because I - "

"And don't give me that bullshit about mum," he interrupts.

Lou has to laugh, it sounds strangled. "Bullshit?" she repeats. "The fact that our mother died waiting for you to show up while you were passed out on the floor of some bar is _bullshit._ "

Raff at least has the decency to look slightly ashamed. "I only meant - "

"No, I know what you meant, Raff. You expect everyone to just forgive you for all the shit that you've pulled. New galaxy, new you, right? Well that's not how it works in the real world. Among _adults._ You have people relying on you. A whole fucking galaxies worth and if you think throwing all that away for some pretty smuggler is worth it you go right ahead." She turns around, stalks out.

-

Vetra is in the research room, definitely not hovering. "How'd that go?" she asks.

"He wants me to leave," Lou says and she feels strangely calm about the whole thing.

Vetra looks at her for a long, searching moment. "Leave and I'll kill you," she says, eventually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much everyone who has read and commented so far !


	8. Chapter 8

Reyes kisses him on top of a pile of shipping crates in the port as the sunrise paints the sky in pinks and oranges. Tilts Raff's chin gently towards him and presses their mouths together. The taste of whiskey is rich on his tongue and his hands are warm and firm as he pushes Raff down against the metal. Raff lets his eyes slide shut, loses himself in the sensation.

Reyes' hand slides down his chest, his thumb sweeps low under the waistband of Raff's trousers. Raff's breath hitches, it's been a while. "I don't know if our date went well enough that I'm willing to go all the way, you know," he half-jokes, against Reyes mouth.

Reyes laughs, "I shall have to do better next time then." But he repositions himself and rolls his hips against Raff's all the same.

"Fuck," Raff breathes. " _Fuck._ "

Reyes laughs again, presses a trail of kisses down Raff's neck to his collarbone. "There will be time for that later, I'm sure."

Raff winds his fingers through Reyes' hair. "This is going to be awful," he says. "We're going to be so awful for each other."

"Mm," Reyes hums. "Probably."

He kisses Raff again as they walk back to the docks, pushes him up against the wall and it's almost sweet. With everyone onboard, Cora's given up her guard post so there's only a few of Sloane's people to whistle at them. Oh, Raff thinks _oh,_ he could lose himself in this. Lose himself _to_ this. To Reyes.

"You'll come and see me the next time you're in Kadara?" Reyes asks.

"I dunno. I might be busy. Pathfinder stuff, you know."

Reyes smirks. "Such a tease. Farewell, Rafferty. Don't get killed by the kett before our second date."

-

Vetra is waiting for him in the cargo bay. Pre-emptively, Raff spreads his hands. "Don't worry, my innocence is still intact."

Vetra doesn't laugh though, doesn't even smile. "I don't know if I believe you were ever innocent, Ryder but that doesn't matter. I heard from Sid. She wants us to check something out. Something seemed off _._ "

-

They don't get a break after H-047c, they've zeroed in on the Archon's ship, they can't put this off any longer. It looms before them. Big, heavy. The Salarian Ark is tethered to it, floating, dark. Kallo lets out a shaky breath.

 "It looks intact," Suvi says, quietly. "Kallo - "

"Let's focus on the mission at hand," Kallo says.

Raff passes a hand across his eyes.

 _You have been awake for twenty-two hours, Pathfinder,_ SAM tells him.

"Thanks SAM, I'm kind of aware of that," Raff mutters out loud. Liam frowns at him. "SAM thinks I should get more sleep," he explains.

"We could all use more sleep," Liam says.

"Yeah. Maybe when all this is done, we could ask to be put back into stasis," Vetra agrees. "Another six hundred years ought to do it."

He's taking them and Drack aboard, Jaal and Peebee are their reserve team. Cora and Lou are staying with the Tempest in case something happens to him. He realises as he says it that he's never actually announced who his second is, who'll take over the role of Pathfinder when he's dead and gone. It'll have to be Lou he supposes.

 _Correct,_ SAM says. _This iteration of myself can only be used by your sister. If you transfer me to Cora Harper, there will be some loss of functionality. Louella's implant is better able to interface with me._

Raff wonders if Cora knows, if she cares. They haven't had a chance to speak much since the Ark but she thanked him, told him his father made the right choice.

They both know by now that Lou was his first choice. Raff was backup at best.

Before they cross to the Ark, Vetra presses a small rifle into his hands. "Vetra - " Raff starts.

"It has guidance systems," Vetra says quietly. "Sniper rifles are no good for close quarters, you should know that by now and biotics can only do so much between cool downs."

Guidance systems. Like he's a kid learning to shoot all over again.

 _I can also provide assistance,_ SAM says.

"Thanks," Raff grits out.

-

Afterwards, Raff sits on his bed and reaches round to touch the back of his neck. It stings where the Archon jabbed in the needle and almost as soon as he thinks it there’s a burst of cool as SAM smooths away the hurt. He does the same thing in the field, Raff knows, holds the pain at bay when Raff gets shot or burnt or bruised.

(“Pain is a good thing sometimes, SAM,” Raff had said, after their first few missions. “It keeps us from hurting ourselves further.”

SAM was quiet for a moment and then, _I keep you from hurting yourself further._ )

“So you can kill me.”

_As I said, I have access to your nervous system and through it, everything else._

“You never told me.”

_It has never come up before._

Raff closes his eyes, tries to focus on his breathing. “SAM, ” he says. “If I die, you transfer to Louella right?”

_Correct._

“And you were built to help us, right? To help us settle Heleus.”

 _That is one of my primary goals, yes,_ SAM says after a moment.

“So, if you judge me incapable - if - if I make a bad decision or -” he breaks off.

 _Pathfinder,_ SAM says. _Raff._

“SAM, if I start going wrong would you kill me to protect the mission?”

 _No._ SAM says. _Alec Ryder programmed me to protect you._

“And if I’m a threat to Lou? A threat to myself?”

 _Alec Ryder programmed me to protect you,_ is all SAM says.

Raff sighs with frustration, “Yes, but - ”

_Doctor T’Perro is outside your quarters._

Raff removes his hand from the back of his neck with a growl. “Let her in.”

Lexi smiles when the doors slide open but she’s still unnerved. “How are you doing?” she asks, crossing the room to stand before him. She’s taken his vitals at least four times since he got back to the ship but he lets her take them again if only to give himself something else to focus on.

“Fine,” he lies. “How’s Drack?”

Lexi sighs. “Physically? Fine. Give him time, Ryder. What he saw on that ship was - Well, I think it’s shaken everyone.”

Raff curls his fingers into his thigh, blunt nails digging in. SAM doesn’t soothe it away, he knows by now. “I had to make a choice,” Raff says, more to himself than to Lexi. “The Scouts or the Pathfinder.”

Maybe he underestimated the Salarians. Maybe they would have been fine and Drack’s scouts could have been saved and Drack wouldn’t hate him.

 _It was the right decision, Pathfinder,_ SAM assures.

“He knows that,” Lexi says, sweeping a scanner over him. It bleeps up normal, like it’s done every time he’s been scanned since he returned. She reaches out, rubs Raff’s back comfortingly. “He just needs time.”

“Yeah,” Raff says. “Yeah.”

Lexi’s hand drops and she hovers for a few moments, “Raff, if you need to talk about anything -”

“I’m fine, Lexi,” Raff says, smiling weakly.

_She does not believe you, Pathfinder._

Whether she believes Raff or not she sighs. “Okay then. I think I’ll turn in. Get some sleep, alright?”

“I will,” Raff lies.

He’s too wired to sleep and in the back of his mind, this persistent buzzing has started up. It itches under his skin, raw and demanding, makes him fidget, makes him wriggle. _Pathfinder, I could be of assistance,_ SAM says.

“I’m fine,” Raff grits out. He stands up, wanders his room aimlessly for a few moments before settling down in front of his monitor to scan through his emails. There are few from the crew, mostly nonsense or little tasks they need help with, a bunch from Prodromos and the Nexus, a series from Voeld telling him that settlers have begun disappearing, that Resistance scouts report the kett facility is operational once more, security has doubled, there is no way in.

Raff’s chest is tight.

He shuts off the monitor, sits for a moment with his knees drawn up to his chest, forehead pressed against them. Tries to breathe through it.

 _Pathfinder, I can help,_ SAM insists.

**I don’t need your help.**

**-**

He calls Reyes. He wishes he didn't have to make the call from the meeting room but if he wants a vid-link, he hasn't got an alternative. Reyes flickers against the dim of the Tempest lights, "Get some sleep, Rafferty," he advises.

"I'm trying," Raff says, rubbing at his eyes. "We're on our way to Elaaden. Drack says there's something going on with the Krogan colony."

"Be that as it may, you still need to sleep." He actually looks concerned, forehead creased just a little. "You look awful."

Raff smiles, "You're such a sweet-talker."

Reyes chuckles, "Well, Evfra doesn't keep me around for my good looks. But listen, I'm sorry, Rafferty, but I have to go."

It stings more than Raff's expecting. It shouldn't, really, they've only known each other a handful of weeks, only seen each other a few times, only kissed twice but - Reyes doesn't owe him anything, Raff reminds himself. Reyes isn't obliged to sit here and listen to Raff whine because he can't keep his fucking life together.

"Yeah," Raff says, hoping his voice doesn't sound as shaky as he feels. "Yeah, okay."

Reyes is quiet for a few moments, looking offscreen at something. Then he sighs. "Take care, Rafferty. Call me again if you need to, okay?"

"I will," Raff promises.

"Good," Reyes says. "And SAM?"

"Yes, Mr Vidal?" SAM responds.

"Keep him alive, please."

"I will do my utmost."


	9. Chapter 9

On Elaaden, Lou watches her brother run frantically between the Turian pods. They're dead, he must know that, half the pods are mostly buried in the sand, they've been here too long but still, he scans each one. Moves on to the next.

Vetra stays in the Nomad, sits quietly gripping the wheel.

"I'm sorry," Lou tells her.

"We've found more alive than we have dead," is all she says.

On the other side of the vehicle, Drack watches quietly. He's been quiet since the Salarian Ark. Cora had asked Lou what choice she would have made if she was Pathfinder, they both knew the answer. The Salarian Pathfinder was much more valuable than Drack's scouts but saying it out loud felt wrong. Lou's still not used to being on this side of things, to being part of the team that makes the decisions rather than the team that just inclines their heads and says, _yes sir._

" _Fuck,_ " Raff says, when the last pod doesn't reveal anything more. He kicks out at a piece of scrap metal, sinks down to the sand.

"The Turian Pathfinder is not among these bodies," SAM says. "There is a chance he is still alive."

"We need more than a chance, SAM." Raff mutters. He stands up. "I have to call Rix."

"Kid's really taking this rough," Drack remarks. "Pity he couldn't get this messed up over my scouts."

Lou glares at him. He's bitter, that's fine. She gets it. She'd be bitter too, but right now this isn't what they need. "He _is_ messed up over your scouts," she says. "But he made the right call."

Drack scoffs. "Humans."

-

They end up chasing a remnant drive core across Elaaden, activating vaults as they go. Lou hasn't been to one since Eos, Raff left her behind on Voeld and Kadara and Havarl. Lou doesn't really mind, she doesn't share the fascination the rest of her team does with them. As long as no one gets shot to pieces by remnant, as long as no one gets dissolved by the purification cloud and the damn thing works, Lou doesn't give a good godamn about them.

The ship is different though. Big, hulking. She'd like to find out how it works - worked. It's so different, so alien but there's no time between the scavengers and the remnant.

"Ryder! Do you have a death wish?" Vetra yells and Lou knows she's not talking to her. She peers over the blast shield she's ducked behind, searches the room for Raff. He's taken the higher ground, hasn't tried to throw himself into the fray like he keeps trying to do but he's left himself wide open, doesn't seem to care that his shields have almost depleted.

"Zap!" Lou says and points. The bot obeys, sailing through the air to cover Raff until Lou or Vetra can get there. Peebee gave it to her over Raff, said Raff's biotics were more than enough to keep him safe in the field. What a joke.

She moves forwards, her armour stealths her automatically but Vetra reaches Raff first.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Vetra snaps, when the last bot falls.

" _Nothing,_ " Raff snaps. He sighs, "It's hot. I'm tired. Let's just go."

Drack thumps him on the back. Lou doesn't get a chance to say anything.

"Just don't, Lou," he snaps as he passes, stomping back out towards to the Nomad. She and Vetra stare after him.

"Your brother's really testing  my patience today, Ryder," Vetra says.

Lou snorts, "Welcome to my life."

"This doesn't mean you get to leave though," Vetra says. She keeps coming back to that lately, like it's all on Lou if she leaves or not but lately, Lou keeps thinking about what Cora said about hopes and dreams for Andromeda, for her own life. Maybe it doesn't have to involve Raff.

"I mean it," Vetra adds.

Lou shakes her head, "Let's just get back to the Nomad, make sure he doesn't get himself killed or drive into a hole or something."

-

Lou watches as Raff hands the drive core back to the Krogan. Drack is smiling and Lou has to admit it's good to see that again but not like this. Not for this. Vetra stands beside her, Lou has to imagine she's just as pissed as her at this whole thing.

"Tann is going to _love_ this," she says, quietly.

Lou stays tight lipped. She's less worried about Tann, more worried about the fact that her brother just handed what is probably the most powerful weapon in the galaxy to the most volatile race in _all_ galaxies. She waits until they're back on the Tempest to raise it, waits for Drack to stomp off in the direction of the kitchen.

"What the fuck was that?"

It goes through Raff like a ripple. He's halfway across the cargo bay when Lou speaks and he freezes mid-step, sets his foot down slowly and sighs, hangs his head. He turns back around to face her, "What the fuck was _what,_ Lou?"

"I'm not playing this game with you," Lou snaps. The Tempest goes quiet around them, Gil and Peebee lean over the balcony. Liam and Vetra hover outside of their rooms. Cora and Lexi wander in from the quarters. "You just handed a weapon capable of destroying planets to the _Krogan_."

Drack must have heard them because he clears his throat, leans over the balcony near the research room. Lou isn't ashamed. The Krogan _are_ volatile, as much as she'd like to believe that they've changed, that this can all turn out well, she's not that naive. Not like Raff.

Then again -

She crosses her arms, "Just tell me you didn't do this to make up for the scouts."

" _No_ ," Raff says. He means yes, Lou can see it in his eyes. Idiot. Handing a weapon over to the Krogan to make good over a handful of scouts. That's cold maybe but Raff made the right choice. He has to know he made the right choice. "You think handing it back to the Nexus would be better?"

"It is the only bargaining chip we had," Liam says, cautiously.

"Stay out of this," Lou snaps.

Liam narrows his eyes, "We're part of this team too, Ryder and he's the Pathfinder. What he says goes and this would all be a hell of a lot easier without you questioning every decision he makes."

Lou rounds on him, "Like you said, we're a _team_ and when he's making decisions that put the whole damn galaxy at risk then I - "

"Oh, I see," Drack calls. "So giving my people the barest _hint_ of power puts the whole damn galaxy at risk."

"Exactly!" Raff says.

Lou turns back to him, "Don't pretend you did this to be noble! You did this because you can't handle the idea that anyone out there doesn't like you!"

Raff looks like he's just been slapped. From behind her, Liam scoffs. "Trust me, it's not _him_ no one likes."

It's childish, petty. Normally Lou wouldn't rise to it. She grew up with a bratty brother, joined the Alliance with a famous dad and got shit for it all her life, she's used to petty, used to jealous, used to venom. Maybe it's something to do with the relentless heat, pressing in on them even in the climate controlled bay of the Tempest. Maybe it's the relentless shit they've been put through but Lou's had enough.

"I don't give a _damn_ if you don't like me, Kosta! I don't give a damn if _no one_ likes me! That's not why I'm here! I'm here to keep _him_ on the straight and narrow! I'm here because when my mother was dying he was off his head on the floor of some dive bar and I promised her I'd keep him alive!"

"And he's _alive_!" Liam points out. "He's doing fine! And he'd be doing a damn sight better if you weren't around making him feel like crap all the time!"

"What? It'd be better if I was his cheerleader, hm? If I applauded every fuck he makes? Would that help, Kosta?" She turns back to Raff, applauds mockingly. "Well done, Rafferty. You've handed the Krogan a ready-made nuke. Congrats, baby bro."

Liam sneers, "You're a piece of work, Ryder. Maybe we'd all be better off if you just left. We did just fine without you on Habitat 7 and on Kadara."

Lou's going to point out that on Kadara, Raff practically fell into bed with a man that may as well have _untrustworthy_ inked into his forehead but suddenly Cora's at her side.

"She's been a hell of a lot more help than you, Kosta," Cora says. Her biotics make the air around them crackle. "Who was it that almost got the Pathfinder killed by pirates?"

Liam flushes, "That wasn't my fault."

"Right, sure and whose fault was it?" Lou presses.

"Lou, it turned out fine," Raff tries to interrupt.

"That was different," Liam says. He's taken a few steps towards Lou. He's taller than her, just. She's seen him fight though, she could take him easy. With Cora on her side it wouldn't even be a challenge.

"Liam," Vetra warns. "This maybe isn't the time."

"No," Liam says, glancing back at her. "No, I'm sick of this. I'm sick of _her_ swanning around here like she owns the place, like she knows better than everyone. You were a glorified security guard, Ryder. Not a commander. Not an N-7. You weren't even your Dad's second."

"And you couldn't even make it as a cop, Kosta. What was it? Loose cannon? Couldn't handle the discipline? The rules? Like that's not a tired cliché. I've seen your records. I think it was more like you couldn't wait to be the hero, didn't like having to share the glory with anyone."

That seems to have touched a nerve, Liam's gaze darkens. "Watch it, Ryder. You're not the only one with access to everyone's records."

He's drawn closer. Close enough that Lou can feel his body heat.

Liam smirks. It distorts his features, makes them ugly. "There was some interesting stuff in yours about your unit commander."

Lou's halfway to throwing a punch when Lexi's voice cuts through the tension, sharp as an omni-blade. "Enough!" she snaps.

Lou jerks. For a moment, the world had narrowed. There was just Liam and Raff and anger. Rage. Heat.

"You're all as bad as each other," Lexi says, looking between them. "You're acting like _children_! All of you."

"Can I just point out that I was not involved in any of this," Peebee calls from up above.

"Me too," Gil adds.

Lexi glares at them, "Treating this like a spectator sport isn't helping."

"She's right," Vetra says. Lexi looks at her gratefully. "It's been a long day, I think we all need to take a minute to cool off."

"Thank god," Raff says.

Lou looks between them, suddenly exhausted. "You know what, whatever. I don't care anymore." She turns, stomps out of the cargo bay and towards the showers.

"SAM," she says, when the doors slide shut behind her. "Turn the water up hot."

-

Later, the anger has mostly burnt out. It leaves her feeling heavy-limbed and empty, like now that hard layer of anger and frustration has been peeled away all there is this bone-deep, unending void. She's too tired to move, too restless to sleep.

Cora's knock is soft. "Ryder? Can I come in?"

Lou sighs. She's feeling raw, exposed but lying alone in the dim light of her make-shift room isn't helping. "Yeah, okay."

Lou sits up and Cora slides open the door. She looks - uncertain. It takes her a moment before stepping into the escape pod and letting the door slide shut behind her. "Liam was out of line," Cora says, after a few moments of silence. There's something else she wants to say, Lou can tell.

"But?" she guesses.

Cora smiles, "Am I that transparent?"

"There's a reason you were a huntress and not a spectre," Lou says.

" _But,_ " Cora says. "Even though giving that drive core to the Krogan might come back to bite us in the ass sometime, I think your brother made the right call. We need them on our side if we ever want them to come back to the Nexus and without that drive core..." she trails off.

Lou exhales. "You're right." She draws her knees up to her chest, shifts on the mattress so there's room for Cora to sit down beside her if she wants. "Shit. Maybe I should leave. Maybe I'm too close to this."

Cora looks startled for a moment but she reins it in, smiles encouragingly instead. It doesn't reach her eyes, doesn't look by any stretch of the imagination, convincing. "Don't let Liam get to you," she says gently. "He's always been a bit of a hot head. Besides, you can't leave me alone with these people. I can't be the only adult around."

Lou snorts, "I think Lexi just proved she's the only real adult here."

"Yeah," Cora winces. "That brought me back a bit."

"It's not just him though," Lou admits. "Raff wants me to leave too. And to be honest, I keep thinking about what you said to me."

Cora looks confused.

"About your garden, about what I wanted to do when we beat the Kett. About what I wanted to do in general."

"Ah," Cora says. She sits down, perches on the edge of Lou's bed. She leans back, arms propping her up and looks across at Lou. "So what would you do instead? If you weren't here, on the Tempest?"

"I don't know. I could help out on the Nexus, I mean, it's still kind of a shitshow. Kandros keeps emailing me about some protesters in hydroponics. Apparently, he's trying to get Raff involved to make the whole thing go smoother but Raff's ignoring him. I could help out with that. Or maybe I could just join up with APEX. Or the colonies, once we get them going. They'll need security."

Cora listens quietly. "You ever think about doing something less military-based?"

Lou laughs, "I wouldn't know how."

"Yeah, I get that," Cora says. She sits forwards, looks down at her hand. "We're heading to Prodromos. Bradley's having some trouble with the kett. There's something I want you to see while we're there."

"Something?"

"Something," Cora says, smiling.

Lou leans forward, tries to study Cora's expression, searching for a hint of something. She finds nothing though. "Well okay then," Lou says. "Maybe you would have made a half decent Spectre after all."

Cora beams. She stands up and crosses to the door, pauses. "I don't think you should leave," she says. "We'll need everyone we can get when we finally go up against the Archon and you're a hell of a fighter, Louella Ryder."

 Lou makes a face. "God, just Lou, please."

"Alright," Cora laughs. "Lou."

-

Cora takes Lou's hand to lead her to the garden - to the someday-garden. They've borrowed the Nomad for a few hours, after taking care of the kett, they've all agreed unanimously that they deserve a few days off to themselves. Prodromos isn't big but it's busy enough that none of them have to spend time together if they don't want to.

It takes a great deal of effort not to kiss her. To stand still and watch the seeds they've scattered drift glittering through the air. Cora's eyes aren't wide with excitement like Peebee's would be, she's not laughing like Liam would be or wriggling like Raff, her joy is more subdued. Lou can see it in her eyes, this steady confidence. This garden will grow someday, even if Cora's not around to see it and that's enough for her. That's enough.

Lou wishes it weren't. Lou wishes she could promise to find a miniaturised terraformer or some other piece of rem-tech that would force the seeds to sprout faster, to push up through the loose dry soil and bloom just so she could see Cora's smile.

It makes her chest ache.

"We don't have to go back just yet, do you?" Lou asks, when the seeds have settled. She doesn't mean to, not out loud anyway and Cora looks slightly amused.

"Don't worry, I think Raff and Liam are out at the old sites you won't run into them. But sure, I don't mind staying out here a while."

Lou smiles. It's fine. Let her think Lou's just worrying about having more arguments. They sit side by side on the bank of the red lake, trade stories about the Alliance and the huntresses. Cora laughs a lot. She seems looser out here, happier.

"So," Cora prompts, after a few moments of comfortable silence. "Aside from your family, did you leave anyone behind in the Milky Way? Bring anyone with you?"

It's innocent, Lou tells herself. Nothing more than a casual topic of conversation. "No," she answers. "No there's no one. _Was_ no one. Not for a long time, actually. What about you?"

Cora shakes her head, "No. There's never been anyone, really. I mean, I had my fun on shore leave but nothing serious. It never seemed like there was time before."

"And now?"

"Now? I don't know. Maybe I can figure it out when we've dealt with the kett and made Heleus liveable."

"Start small before we tackle the big stuff," Lou says. "I like the way you think Harper."

Cora smiles, "There's that Ryder charm again. Your father was the same."

Oh, Lou starts to think. _Oh._ But Cora's cheeks colour and she hurriedly adds, "I mean, it wasn't like _that._ He just - always knew what to say to make me feel better. Like you." Cora looks at her, side on. Her cheeks are still pink.

"We should go," Lou says, after drinking her in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know there are a few of you that aren't lou's biggest fans but it mean a lot that you're sticking with this story despite that so thank you!


	10. Chapter 10

_Pathfinder,_ SAM's voice buzzes in his head.

Raff lies sprawled out on his bed, on top of the covers. The lights are dimmed, his eyes are closed. It's as close to sleep as he gets most days.

_You have an incoming vidcall from Kadara. Sloane Kelly wishes to speak with you._

There's no point in hiding his disappointment, SAM's in his head after all. He stands up, stretches.

"Put her through, I'll get it in the meeting room."

The Tempest is quiet as he pads through the halls, has been quiet since Elaaden, since the fight. All of them drifting. Tip-toeing carefully around each other. It's his fault. Lou's fault. They're like oil and water, fire and ice. They're not supposed to mix.

Sloane is meeting with the Charlatan; she wants Raff along as someone neutral. Someone the people will halfway trust to tell the truth if things go south. Raff sighs, wearily.

 _Neutralising the Outcasts may make settling Kadara a viable possibility, Pathfinder,_ SAM says.

Raff agrees. When the call ends, he digs the heels of his palms into his eyes.

"SAM, call a meeting."

At least he'll get to see Reyes. Reyes is the only thing these days that makes the itching of his skin let up, quiets the hum in his bones.

-

Raff asks Liam and Vetra to meet him out by the Nomad when they're done with their respective businesses. Lou was quiet when Raff said this, was quiet all through the meeting. Raff was careful to explain the potential benefits of making peace on Kadara, he doesn't know if it made a difference.

He drops into Tartarus as he passes through the slums, finds Reyes' room empty. It throws him slightly. Reyes has never not been here. Raff knows that logically, Reyes can't just exist in this room, waiting around just in case Raff shows up but it still stings dully.

He thinks about leaving a message with Kian but he doesn't trust himself down there right now, around all that alcohol, around the drugs.

He sits on the hood of the Nomad while he waits and absentmindedly takes his rifle apart just to put it back together.

Vetra and Liam chatter while he drives. They're trying to pretend everything is normal but Liam's laugh is just a little too loud, a little too long lived.

Sloane is impatient, tells him he's late, that it took him long enough. Rolls his eyes when Raff says they should just get on with this. He wants to be here even less than she does.

The cave is empty, for a moment they're both sure the Charlatan isn't going to show. _Trap,_ Raff thinks. _Ambush._

 _Pathfinder -_ SAM begins, _should I -_

There is the sound of boots crunching on rock.

"You look like you're waiting for someone," Reyes says.

"No," Raff hears himself say.

-

Sloane makes this noise when the bullet hits her. Soft, like all the wind has been knocked out of her. Her eyes are wide, uncomprehending. She crumples. A puppet, all her strings cut.

No. He's the puppet.

"Get her out of here," Reyes says to his men. "Prepare the crew. Kadara port is ours tonight." He looks at Raff as he walks past, means for Raff to follow. Raff does.

"You lied to me," he says, when they're a little way away from the others. His voice sounds strange. Weak, shaky. Maybe he's shaking? Shit. This is a mess. This doesn't make sense. Doesn't make sense.

Reyes flinches. Looks at Raff like this is hurting him. Hurting _him._

"Why didn't you trust me?" Raff asks.

"I liked the way you looked at me," Reyes says. He holds Raff's gaze. "I was worried that would change."

In the Milky Way this wouldn't have mattered, all that would have mattered was that Reyes was still willing to fuck him. It must be the sobriety, giving him the space to feel this. _Really_ feel this. Reyes Vidal had him running around the port, around the planet solving problems for him, not for the good of the planet, for his own gain.

 "If I wasn't here today would you ever have told me?" Raff hears himself ask.

Reyes sighs, "Rafferty - " he reaches out.

Raff steps back. Doesn't want Reyes near him. He's definitely shaking now. _Fuck_. Shit. "You're not the man I thought you were," it comes out weak, desperate.

"I wanted to be," Reyes says, sadly. "I am sorry."

"Fuck you," Raff says. There's a lump in her throat. " _Fuck you,_ Reyes."

Reyes swallows. Then he tries once more, "Rafferty, I - "

"Don't you have a port to take?" Raff snaps.

Reyes closes his eyes briefly. "Alright. Alright." But he doesn't leave.

" _Go,_ " Raff urges. His biotics crackle. He doesn't mean them to.

Reyes obeys but he pauses, looks back, "If you wish to start a settlement here, you will have no trouble from the Collective," he says.

-

Liam is quiet when Raff returns to them. Vetra squeezes his shoulder. "Ryder," she says, gently.

"We need to get back to the Tempest," Raff says, tone clipped. "Kadara isn't going to settle itself."

He avoids mentioning Reyes when he relays what happened to the others. Vetra and Liam will probably fill them in later. SAM tells him he has unread email, one is from Rix. He's had a distress call from the Nanatus. Raff passes the coordinates on to Kallo.

Lexi catches him by the wrist as he leaves the meeting room. "You should rest," she says. Looks like someone's already filled her in.

Raff yanks his wrist back. "I don't have time to rest."

-

The Nantanus is dark, in even worse shape than the Leusinia. Rix's expression is hidden by his mask. It's okay, he assures Raff, he's not a feelings kind of guy. He just wants to find Macen. Raff wants to scream at him. Wants to tell Rix that he feels like the world is falling to pieces over a potential fuck buddy, let alone finding the best hope for his species dead in the water.

Lou has come aboard with them. Raff didn't ask her to but he's certainly not going to send her away.

They move through the ark chasing echoes of Macen Barro's voice. It's hopeless, Raff knows but Avitus is determined. In denial, maybe.

"Avi, Avi, Avi," the SAM chitters then, "Avitus Rix, welcome home," when SAM fixes it.

The SAM tells them it sent the coordinates as Macen's last request. Avitus doesn't miss a beat, turns to Raff and says, "This thing's still busted. It doesn't know what it's talking about."

Raff closes his eyes.

 "We should have access to Macen's logs," Lou says. "Maybe there's something in there.

Macen Barro is dead. "The turians need a Pathfinder," SAM says.

"I can't," Avitus says.

He's facing Raff. Behind the helmet, Raff imagines his eyes are wide, pleading. "I don't know what to tell you," Raff says, voice raw.

Avitus lets out a shaky little breath, looks to Lou.

"You found the survivors," she says. "On Havarl, we saw you protect those settlers and you found the ark."

Avitus looks back to Raff, "My entire career I've worked alone. I don't know how to lead people. I don't _want_ to lead people. I - I don't want to let him down."

Raff finds himself laughing. "Are you kidding me? The only way you'd let him down is if you didn't take the job. He'd did this for you, Rix. All of it. Don't you get that? He meant this for you. I was never meant for this. Before all this all I did was fuck up. Repeatedly. My dad probably didn't even want me to come to Andromeda in the first place, I'm only in this _galaxy_ because my sister promised my mother she'd stop me from drinking myself to death. So trust me when I say this: there's no way you can do a worse job than me at this."

Avitus shakes his head. "Damn it. You're right."

-

They offer to drop Avitus off at the Nexus but he turns them down. Promises he'll get there eventually and keep touch in the mean time. They see him into his shuttle, watch him fly off.

Before they re-board the Tempest, Lou puts a hand on his shoulder briefly. Touch feather light. "Dad wouldn't have left you behind," she says. "And even if he would have, I would have dragged you here. Even if I hadn't promised."

"Yeah," Raff says. "Well."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks a bunch for all the comments on the last piece, it's been really interesting hearing your differing thoughts on lou and raff!


	11. Chapter 11

They have to go back to Kadara. There are things that need doing for the settlement, Vetra and Drack have business at the port, they should probably at least check in with the new face of the Collective.

Raff broods, has swapped his t-shirt for a baggy hoodie. Vetra told her what happened in broad strokes, Vidal was lying. Vidal was the Charlatan all along. Lou's not going to pretend the thought didn't at least cross her mind, it made sense after all. So when Raff says he's staying onboard, no one argues.

They dock, Drack and Vetra go off to make their deals, Liam goes off to do whatever it is he does when he's not with them, Cora starts prepping the Nomad for deployment. She and Jaal and Peebee are heading out to the settlement, Lexi has already gone on ahead.

"Will you be joining us?" Jaal asks.

Lou shakes her head, "I should probably stay behind to keep an eye on - "

"You really think you're the best one for the job?" Peebee interrupts.

"I hate to say it but she's right," Cora adds. "You two could maybe use a break from one another." She smiles sheepishly at Lou over the boxes she's piling into the ATV.

"Don't worry," Gil calls, from engineering. "I'll keep an eye on him. I promise."

"Are you sure?" Lou calls back.

"'Course. He's my Pathfinder too, you know."

"Alright," Lou says. "It'll be snug though with all of us in there."

"Yeah, yeah, what else is new?" Peebee says.

-

Lou likes Kadara despite it all. Liked it even back when it's water was toxic and they couldn't round a bend without a fire fight. It was the green. The green and the mountains.

Ditaeon is still just a few prefabs and a whole lot of crates, Mayor Christmas greets them smiling wide. Most of the settlers here are volunteers, not assigned, friends and relatives of the outcasts. They come from the port in dribs and drabs to help, laughing, happy. Lou finds herself watching them as they build, watching people run into each other's arms.

She remembers being very young and waiting for her father to come home. In those days, he was always away, only home for brief, scattered visits. A few days here and there, the odd week. She and Raff used to hate it, having him home. To them he was a stranger, just a man in vids and photos, to them he was just a disruption. They had their lives, their routine. He always seemed to disrupt it.

But their mother was so excited. Lou never understood why Ellen Ryder loved Alec so. She was everything he wasn't, kind, dedicated. But maybe that's unfair. He died so Raff could live, after all. Risked his career to build an AI to keep their mother alive. Maybe she just didn't know him well enough to see those parts of him. She'll never get a chance now.

"They look so happy," Cora says as they unpack and assemble chairs and tables and basic machinery. They're watching an asari and a turian twirling each other around, oblivious to anyone else. "Must be nice. Too love someone like that."

"Yeah," Lou agrees.

Cora stands up from their work to stretch. "I've never been in love," she says, tilting her head back to arch her neck.

Lou tries not stare at the pale column of her throat. "I have," she says.

"Oh, yeah?" Cora sits back down. She looks intrigued.

There's no reason not to tell her, Lou figures. Everyone involved is long dead now. "When I was stationed at the relay there was this girl. My boss, technically. We were the same age, joined the Alliance together, she just climbed the ranks quicker. Apparently, her personality was more palatable."

"Imagine that," Cora smiles. "What happened?"

"We got comfy," Lou says. Shakes her head at the memory. "There was an accident. We were fine but some things were stolen, a few people got hurt. She was on duty that day and I was lonely. I distracted her. They went easy on both of us, transferred her rather than kicking us out."

"And you never saw her again?"

Lou shakes her head, "I didn't think she'd want to see me. She'd worked hard to get there, you know? I'd be pissed."

"How long were you together?"

"Two years, a little over that?" It's probably closer to three, Lou thinks, but there a few months at the start there that were only drunken kisses,  giggling, hisses of _it's against regulation._

"That's a long time," Cora remarks. "She probably still loved you despite it."

"Maybe. I suppose I'll never really know now. She's back home. _Was_ back home. Or, there. Back _there._ " This is home now, she reminds herself. This. "Sorry."

"Don't be. I slip up all the time. Hey, what was her name?"

Lou smiles, "Marianna." She was tall, taller than Lou. Smooth dark skin, wavy hair she kept long at first but cut shorter and shorter as they went along. Her eyes were this rich brown, pitch black in the dim light of the relay but soft, bright in sunlight. They had shore leave together once, Lou took her home to meet her mother.

" _Marianna_ ," Cora repeats. "That's pretty."

"She was," Lou says. "Why are you so interested in this anyway?"

Cora's smiling at her, warm and fond. "It's just nice to think about you happy."

-

They eat with Peebee and Jaal and Liam who has come down from the port to join them with a few angara. He has his uses, Lou supposes. They've built a small fire, sit around it like they're at camp.

After they eat he comes up to sit beside her.

"Look," he says. "About Elaaden, some of the stuff I said was out of line and I'm sorry. But I don't like the way you treat him. It's not right. He's trying and you make things worse sometimes."

Lou takes a breath. She's reaching for anger, for annoyance but she finds none. There's only this warm feeling set deep in her chest. Warm food in her belly, halfway decent beer, the murmur and crackle of an open fire.

"I'm hard on him sometimes, I know, but he did some shitty things back in the Milky Way. I just - I feel like he's always only a step away from being there again, all the time and it's hard. I'm not used to there being anyone else watching out for him," she says, honestly.

Liam nods, "I get that. I do. But there _are_ other people watching out for him now. So, loosen up a bit, maybe?"

"Loosen up?" Lou repeats.

"Yeah," Liam grins. Lou has to imagine that at least some of this is the beer talking. "Just be, I dunno, nicer."

"I'm nice to Jaal and Vetra," Lou points out. "And Cora."

"Oh, I _know_ you're nice to Cora," Liam says, with a wink.

"Is it that obvious?"

"Only if you're looking, Ryder."

Lou doesn't know what that means, doesn't want to risk this new detente by asking. Liam nudges her shoulder and forces herself to smile at him. Like they're friends, like they haven't spent the last few months barely concealing their mutual distain for each other.

He hands her a beer. Lou accepts. They clink their bottles together. Liam starts talking aloud about all the things he's learnt about angara, about his plans for some big cross-species event to promote unity. His enthusiasm is infectious.

-

Lou sits out by the fire long after most of the settlers have retired. It's nice out here, the fire burnt down low, still crackling, the breeze in her hair. She pokes at the embers absently. She's probably spent more time planet-side in the last few months than she has in her whole life. She could get used to it, she thinks. Fresh air, breeze, fires outdoors. Maybe she could set up here in Kadara.

She looks up, wonders at the stars stretched out above her, the constellations spread across the inky black. The angara probably have names for them already. She should ask Jaal about it sometime, whether his species shared the same obsession humanity did.

She hears Cora approach her from behind but doesn't turn around. They're supposed to be sharing a little prefab for the night, Cora's looking forward to it, Lou's never been able to sleep without the comforting hum of a ship's engines in the background.

Cora smells sweet, floral. She must have stolen some of Vetra's scented soaps for the night. It rolls off of her in waves, makes Lou think of pressing her face to Cora's hair, of how soft it would feel between her fingers.

"Are you planning on joining me, Ryder or should I just turn out the lights?"

"I'll be there in a minute," Lou says. "I'm just... enjoying the quiet while it lasts."

Cora chuckles and after a few moments Lou hears her move closer. She sits down beside Lou, "I never noticed it before but it _is_ quiet, isn't it? I don't think it's been quiet since I got out of cryo."

Lou looks at her side-on. Her face is tilted upwards towards the stars, her hair is still damp. She shivers suddenly, "It's cold out here."

Lou would throw her arm around her, pull her close but she restrains herself, shifts closer instead so they're pressed together. "I'm not cold," she says.

Cora snorts. "That's because you drank half of Liam's beer on top of all the wine we'd already had."

"Yeah," Lou smiles. "I didn't want to be rude, you know? I mean, we were getting along finally. I didn't want to ruin it."

At that, Cora laughs. "You didn't want to be rude so you drank five beers? I think we need to find you a middle ground between this and being at each other's throats."

"Yeah," Lou agrees and Cora laughs again. She's so godamn pretty when she laughs, probably doesn't have the first clue about it though.

"So, what was it you and Liam were talking about anyway?"

"I dunno," Lou says, waves a hand vaguely. "He wants to do something to celebrate our unity with the angara."

Cora frowns, "He say what?" When Lou shakes her head, Cora makes a face. "Well, given how his _last_ plan turned out..." she trails off. She looks fond, Lou realises. The same sort of fond she has when she talks about the rest of the crew. That all of the crew has for each other.

Suddenly, Lou feels very, very alone. Achingly so.

"Cora, can I ask you something?" The words bubble up before she has a chance to swallow them back down and she hates - _hates_ \- how godamn weak she sounds. "Back on the Tempest, after Elaaden, you said I was more of a help than Liam. Did you mean that? I mean - "

Cora's looking at her now, brow all crinkled, concerned. She's concerned. Not pitying but almost.

"Shit," Lou says. "Shit, I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm - "

Cora cuts her off. Her hand darts out, squeezes Lou's knee. "Hey," she says gently. "I meant it. You're a good fighter, Ryder. You're smart and you're dedicated and you're stubborn, just like your old man. You care a hell of a lot more than he ever did though."

Cora smiles at her. Lou's throat feels dry.

"Most people wouldn't say that about me," Lou says. She's not good at caring, doesn't know how. Never did. Even her mother said it, not to her face but to her father, Lou wasn't meant to overhear but Cora's looking at her, shaking her head, smiling like Lou's deluded.

"Most people are idiots," Cora says firmly. "They're blind not to see how much you care. About the Initiative, about your brother, about us, the Tempest."

Her hand is still on Lou's knee and later, Lou will blame the beer. The beer and the soft, sweet scent of Cora's shampoo or bodywash or whatever it is that makes her lean forwards and press her mouth to Cora's.

It's barely a kiss. Soft and brief and sloppy but for a moment, Lou thinks _yes, **yes.**_

Then she remembers.

"Fuck," she says, pulling back. "Fuck, I didn't mean to - I'm so sorry - I'm - " She stands up, avoiding Cora's gaze. "I'll sleep in the Nomad."


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for discussion of drug use/drinking and mild dubcon?

_Mr Brodie is outside your door_ , SAM announces.

Raff opens his eyes. They're still docked in Kadara, will be until late tomorrow. He supposes he should be grateful they've left him alone to brood this long. He's been shut up in his room, white noise blaring through his headphones, trying to chase away the thoughts, the buzz.

It's not working.

 _Pathfinder,_ SAM prompts.

"Let him in."

Gil grins as he steps into Raff's quarters, holds up a four-pack of drinks. "Don't worry," he says. "Non-alcoholic."

Raff's -

Raff's disappointed. The buzzing gets louder, more insistent. Raff has a cut on his palm from Elaaden, nicked it on a rock or something. The medi-gel has mostly healed it but it's still there, red and raised and tender. He digs his thumb into it. "Don't feel like you have to do that on my account."

Gil waves him off, "Just don't say I don't think of you." He brushes past Raff to sprawl dramatically on the bed. "Besides, I should probably stay sober just in case some pirate-wannabe decides they want to try something on my ship."

He hands Raff a bottle when Raff joins him, sits on the edge of the bed. Snorts when Raff flips the cap off with a burst of biotic energy, "Show off."

Raff smiles, takes a sip. It's sweet, tastes slightly off brand. His eyes sting at the fizz a little. It's warm though, too warm.

"Sorry," Gil says. "Couldn't keep it in the fridge, you know? Wouldn't have lasted an hour with these animals."

"It's fine," Raff says.

Gil sighs, "Look, Ryder, I know Vidal was - " he breaks off.

 _You look like you're waiting for someone,_ Raff hears. The sound of Sloane's body hitting the floor, the snick of the bullet, the little noise she made.

Like the noise Drack made when Raff chose Raeka over his scouts.

There's an email on his terminal from Reyes. It's short, says he'd rather have Raff's friendship than nothing at all. No apology, no nothing. Maybe that's all it was to him. Maybe Raff's just blowing things out of proportion. Just needy and pathetic like always.

Raff swallows, looks down at the bottle in his hands. He wishes it was beer. Whiskey. Fucking Krogan liquor that'd burn him from the inside out. He just needs something - _something_ to take the edge off.

Raff hears Gil move, shift closer. Gil's hand comes to rest on Raff's shoulder. "You've had a lot to deal with lately."

Gil’s thumb brushes over Raff’s bare skin, cuts through the buzz, soothes out the itch. This is stupid. Stupid and wrong but _fuck,_ Raff’s crawling out of his skin.

 _Pathfinder,_ SAM says. _I must advise against this course of action._

"Is there anything I can do?" Gil asks. His voice is gentle. So gentle. So damn earnest.

 “Gil,” he says, and he hopes Gil can hear the need in his voice, the want, the desperation. He hopes Gil understands.

Gil doesn’t shove him off right away. His hands come up, rest on Raff’s thigh before they slide up further to grip his hips, to hold Raff firm against him and _fuck_ , it feels so right. Chases away the buzzing, the monstrous krogan, the cold of Voeld, Reyes fucking Vidal and the weight of just fucking _everything_ but then Gil breaks the kiss, let's out this strangled little moan and says, “Wait, _wait._ ”

“I don’t want to do this,” Gil says, his cheeks are flushed. Raff freezes. “I mean, I do but - ” Gil adds, “I don’t want to do this like _this_ \- I don’t want - fuck, Raff. I don’t want to be just stress relief or whatever anymore. Or your rebound. I left that part of me in the Milky Way. I want something real.”

Gil pushes gently and Raff moves off of him, cheeks burning, can’t look Gil in the eyes. This was all so much easier when he was drunk out of his mind 24/7.  “Shit, I’m sorry, Gil, I just - _fuck._ ” He covers his face with his hands. “This is all just so fucked up. I don’t know what I’m doing and - ”

He hears Gil stand up, feels him wrap his hands around Raff’s wrists and gently pull them away from his face. “Hey, hey, I know. But you’re doing well. You’re doing a damn sight better than I would, at any rate. Than any of us, probably. And you’ve had impossible decisions to make - you’re never going to be able to keep everyone happy or save everyone but you’re doing your best. And we’re all here for you, yeah? I mean, no one’s punched you in the face yet so you must be doing something right.”

“Yeah,” Raff says. “Yeah - fuck - okay.”

Gil looks so godamned _concerned._ "When was the last time you had a good night's rest? You need to sleep sometime, Ryder. Can't keep going just on fumes."

He still has his hands around Raff's wrists, holds them gently. Raff sways.

 _Pathfinder,_ SAM says. _You should listen to him._

Gil starts gently tugging him back towards the bed. "Come on," he says. "You'll feel better."

Raff lets himself be led; lets Gil push him down towards the mattress. "Do you want me to leave?"

Raff shrugs.

"Good," Gil says. "Because I wasn't really going to leave. I think your sister would kill me." He smiles weakly. He's trying. God, he's trying.

Raff falls back onto the mattress, throws an arm across his eyes. He wants - He wants, he wants. He feels Gil sit down next to him. "Talk to me," Gil pleads. "Come on, Raff. You don't have to shoulder this alone."

Raff wants Gil to touch him but he doesn't, obviously worried Raff will try to jump him again.

"Tell me what I can do," Gil says. "Tell me what you need."

Raff shifts his arm, to look up at Gil. "You know what I need."

Gil looks wrecked. Hurt, confused. Raff wants to make that look go away. Raff wants that look to stay there forever. Gil could fix this, could make it all go away for a while but he doesn't. He won't. " _Raff_ ," he says, sadly.

Raff sighs, covers his eyes once more.

 _Pathfinder, let me help,_ SAM urges.

"Just talk to me," Raff says. "About something, anything. Just talk, please."

"Uh, sure, okay," Gil says. "Fuck, I don't know where to start. Maybe we could play cards?"

"Sure, fine, whatever."

-

Raff still remembers the first time he got drunk. He was twelve, still living on the Citadel with Lou and their mother and dad was coming home. Meant everything was put on hold so their mother could preen and swoon and stare dreamily into space.

Lou was pissed; they were supposed to go to Earth that weekend. "I'm not pissed about that idiot," she'd said. "I'm pissed about him just turning up and expecting everyone to drop everything for him and I'm pissed that mum does!"

Raff didn't get it then, mostly gets it now. Then he'd decided it was no business of his if his mother wanted waste her life on Alec Ryder, on a man who always treated her like an afterthought, like something that would always be there.

Lou was dating this guy back then, her first boyfriend. Tall and dark skinned and well muscled, used to laugh when Lou left the room and shake his head, used to tell Raff that Lou was messed up in that way only really smart girls are. Raff used to smile and pretend he wasn't thinking about what the guy's hands would feel like around his hips.

That day, Lou was sneaking out, said really, there was no point in sneaking, their mother probably wouldn't notice anyway but she was sneaking anyway. Raff came along because he didn't want to have to lie for her if their mother found out she was gone.

Lou's boyfriend had a bottle of Earth vodka asked them if they wanted a sip. Lou drank first, like always. Lou was first, always first. Raff followed after. Raff got stuck.

He remembers the world spinning, remembers Lou kissing her boyfriend, remembers the burn of the vodka in his throat, the way it made his eyes sting.

Remembers retching on the way home, Lou dragging him all the way. "Idiot," she'd said, rubbed his back in small circles in the bathroom of their apartment. She was keeping her voice low, didn't want to wake their mother. "You're not supposed to drink so much so fast."

Remembers saying, "What would you know?" And Lou rolling her eyes and shaking her head and telling their mother he had the stomach flu.

-

"How are the others getting on?" Gil asks, a few hands in. "Pathfinders, I mean."

Raff swallows. He wouldn't know, really. Aside from Rix, he hasn't had any contact with them. Raeka sent a few emails about how she was settling in, thanking him for his help, Vederia sent a similar one, a little PS at the end saying Sarissa had left, no one knows where she's gone.

Sarissa messed up but she was doing her job. Raff's record is far muddier than hers. He should step down.

"We have to go back to the Nexus eventually," Gil says. "Unless you want to rely on Kadara for everything."

"Gil," Raff says.

"Hey, I'm just looking out for you," Gil says, gently.

Raff doesn't look up at him, keeps his gaze on his cards. "Can we talk about something else, maybe?"

Gil sighs. "Sure."

-

Raff was home the day Lou's discharge pages came through. He didn't know his mother was sick yet, she was trying to hide it from them. Looking back he can see it though, she'd switched out her coffees for herbal teas, started losing weight, looking older, frailer.

Raff had been at the kitchen table, Lou had vid-called, appeared in their kitchen green and flickering and furious. "AI! He's been researching AI and didn't tell anyone!"

"Louella, calm down," their mother tried.

"They're _discharging_ me, mum! They don't believe I'm not involved!"

Raff had sucked in a breath.

His discharge papers had never arrived. He was too good of a shot. Didn't matter that he was AWOL half the time apparently.

-

They give up on the cards eventually, lie shoulder to shoulder on Raff's bed and watch the light from the stars outside play across the ceiling. "I never looked up at them and wondered, you know," Gil is saying. His words are starting to run together, interspersed with yawns. "I just didn't care. As long as I had something to put together, to take apart, I was good. Ending up here was all just a monumental fuck up."

"Well I was born up there - here. Never thought I had a say in the matter."

"You didn't want to join the Alliance, then?"

"I dunno," Raff says. "I just - because of my dad, you know. And then Lou did so I - I just did what Lou did back then. I didn't want to have to think about things too hard."

"Yeah," Gil says. "I get that. So did you two serve together?"

"At first, yeah. But then - I had biotics, Lou didn't. Lou was assigned to the relay."

"And you?"

"I killed people, Gil," Raff says, flatly. "That's what I did. In between getting drunk and high of course."

Gil laughs. "And to think, they let you lead us now."

 _Yeah,_ Raff thinks. _Yeah._

On top of the sheets, Gil's hand finds his. "You're not that man anymore, Ryder. You're better," he says. "You're good. You're - a damn sight more than any of us deserved."

When Raff looks over at him, his eyes are closed, his breathing is even.

Raff untangles their fingers.

-

It's easy enough to slip out of the Tempest without alerting Suvi or Kallo. He's half expecting an alarm or something when he taps in the key to the cargo bay doors but there's nothing. He slips out into the night. He's torn off the Pathfinder patch on his hoodie, doesn't really want anyone recognising him.

It's just his luck they're on Kadara. Kralla's Song is out of the question, Drack practically lives there and even if he's not there, Umi knows Raff's face. Tartarus is out too for obvious reasons.

_Pathfinder, this course of action is unwise._

**No fucking shit, SAM.**

He takes the elevator down to the Slums.

 _Pathfinder,_ SAM says.

He half wants SAM to stop him. SAM can stop his heart if they want. Taking over Raff's arms and legs shouldn't be too much of a stretch.

Lou got the formula for Oblivion back to Dr Nakamoto, everyone agreed it was best that Raff sit that particular mission out. He's not going to pretend he didn't wonder, didn't ache for it when he saw what it did to people. Jaal and Liam looked horrified, all they saw was blank faces, vacant eyes. They didn't see it as an escape.

_Pathfinder, please._

It didn't take long for Oblivion to pop up again, though. Maybe Nakamoto was lying, maybe Dr Farenth got lucky. Maybe it's just not that hard to weave together something to take you out of your mind.

It's not hard to find someone selling.

_Ryder._

Raff keeps his hood up. He feels like a kid again, trying to hide the fact that he was Alec Ryder's son.

The salarian that's selling doesn't look at him though. Just takes the credits and asks whether he wants a pill or liquid. Liquid hits harder.

_Rafferty._

He walks out into the Badlands. Not too far, just far enough that he's not likely to be found by one of Reyes' people.

He wants SAM to stop him. He does. He really, really fucking does.

But he just wants things to stop. Just for a little while.

He needs them to stop.

Then he can be who they want him to be.

He just needs to -


	13. Chapter 13

The Nomad is a lot more cramped than it looks, even when it's empty. Lou wakes up with an ache in both her legs where they've been folded and a crick in her neck that makes it feel like her brain is resetting every time she turns it.

It's still early out, judging by the pink-gold tinge to the sky and for a moment, Lou's not sure what woke her. Then, the tapping noise comes again. "Alright," Lou says, "I'm up, I'm up."

She's expecting the crew, impatient to get going but instead there's just Cora. "Oh," Lou says. _Shit._

"Yeah, oh." Cora says. "So I thought we should probably talk before we head back." Her expression is carefully neutral. Lou feels ill.

"Okay."

"Not here though," Cora says, looking around at the outpost. "Somewhere less crowded maybe?"

The outpost is quiet; no one else seems to be awake. "Okay, uh, Vetra showed me a place up in the mountains if you want to - " She doesn't say _but if the others wake up and the Nomad's gone they'll be suspicious_ and Cora either doesn't consider it or is determinedly not thinking about it.

"Good," Cora says.

-

The ride is quiet.

"You're a much better driver than your brother," Cora says, conversationally. "I actually don't fear for my life."

Lou smiles weakly.

When they get to Varren's Scalp, Lou steps out of the Nomad quickly. The last time she was here the air still smelt of sulphur and the water belched toxic fumes. "I'm sorry I kissed you," Lou says when she hears Cora get out of the Nomad behind her. Lou looks down at her feet, scuffing at the ground. "It was - I'm sorry."

"Why?" Cora asks.  

Lou turns back to face her. "Why did I kiss you?"

Cora's smiling at her, like Lou's missed some great joke. "No, why are you sorry?"

Lou blinks. "Because it was stupid and impulsive? And I was drunk and you were - " _Pretty,_ she was going to say but doesn't. "Well, I shouldn't have done it."

Cora crosses her arms, "Didn't you want to?"

"Didn't I want to what?"

"Kiss me."

"I - " Lou narrows her eyes. She doesn't get this, doesn't get this game Cora's playing. "Does it matter?"

"Yes," Cora says. Her gaze flickers down for a moment. "So, did you want to?"

Lou's mouth is dry. She's trying to study Cora's expression, trying to get the barest hint of how she's feeling. "Yes," she says, eventually.

Cora draws in a breath.

 _Shit,_ Lou thinks. Shit, shit, shit.

"Okay," Cora says, slowly. "Okay." And she looks down.

So this is it, Lou figures. She'll _have_ to leave the Tempest. Doesn't matter about her brother or settling Heleus. If Cora wants her gone, she's gone. It's funny; a few months ago she would have _loved_ the idea of Cora hating her this much. The silence stretches, Lou fills it in with the explanations she'll have to give to the rest of the crew, to the inevitable moment Cora turns this into a funny story to tell over drinks.

"Say something," Lou says, quietly.

Cora looks up at her.

"Please."

Cora shakes her head. Then she smiles. "A few months ago - a hundred years ago - could you imagine this happening?" She steps towards the end of the ledge, stands with her back to Lou as she looks out over Kadara. "I mean, not just _this_ but everything. I've hardly had time to hear myself think."

When she turns back to Lou she's still smiling. "I'm not mad," she says. "In fact, I'm kind of glad."

"Glad?"

"Yeah," she nods, "Aren't you?" She's standing closer now, very close. Lou's about a head or so taller than her, Cora has to tilt her head from this position to look up at her. "So what do you want to do about this?"

It's taking a while for Lou's brain to process all of this. "So you're not mad?"

Cora laughs, this little breathy thing that makes Lou's stomach tie itself in knots. "No, Ryder, I'm not mad. In fact, I kind of liked it. Like you, even."

Lou stares. Of all potential outcomes, this is one she didn't consider. "I - " she says. "Huh."

Cora smirks. "So, what do you want to do about this?"

"Right now," Lou says. "I kind of want to kiss you again. Is that okay?"

Cora reaches up, curls a hand around Lou's chin. Her grip is gentle, her skin is soft. "I think that sounds like a great idea."

-

Lou lets Cora drive on the way back. Cora's smiling, this magic little curve of her lips that just looks so _secure_ , so _content_ and Lou did that. Lou made her smile like that, made her feel like that and Lou's trying to feel it back, trying to let herself feel deliriously happy but she can't. She's white-knuckling it, heart pounding in her chest, this is all going to be snatched away from her soon. She knows it. She's waiting, just waiting.

For now, Cora brushes her hand against Lou's when they get out of the Nomad at Ditaeon. They haven't talked about whether they're going to talk to the rest of the crew, whether they're keeping this a secret. Lou's content to let Cora take the lead on it.

By the looks of things, Liam isn't up yet. Lexi and Peebee are though. Lexi's unpacking crates for Ditaeon's med station while Peebee sits atop of them and swings her legs. "Hey," Peebee says, when Lou and Cora approach. She thuds the heels of her boots into the crates. "They're back."

Lexi sighs and sets down the bottle she had been unpacking to turn towards them. Her smile is forced.

"You sure you don't want me to tell them?" Peebee asks.

Lou's heart sinks.

"You offering?" Lexi mutters. She waits for them to get close before she speaks again. "We got word from the Tempest," she says, grimly. "Your brother is missing."

For a moment, Lou's world narrows. Things twist. _Your brother is missing._ She's heard those words a thousand times before, sighed in the voice of their CO during basic, in the flat tones of her father, the _where did I go wrong?_ plain in every syllable, desperate and hurt in the voice of her mother.

Cora is stepping forward while Lou spins out. "Someone took him?" she asks, demands really, suddenly all business and Lou looks at her and wonders if that's the reaction she's supposed to have. If she's supposed to believe Raff about being a changed man. Supposed to be worried instead of angry, disappointed.

"We don't know," Lexi says. "If he has been taken, we haven't heard any demands and he hasn't radioed for help."

Cora nods. "We need to go."

Peebee pushes off the boxes. "Thank you! I've been saying that! If Liam wants to sleep all day let him! I'm sure he can charm himself a ride out of someone."

"Peebee, go wake Liam." Cora says.

Peebee huffs but she doesn't argue.

Lou breathes out.

"Are you okay?" Lexi asks, coming up to stand beside her.

 _No,_ Lou thinks.

Lexi must hear it somehow because she shakes her head. "Sorry, sorry. That was a _stupid_ question." She reaches up to pat Lou's shoulder comfortingly. "It'll be alright," she says. "We'll find him. We'd know if - " she breaks off, searching Lou's face.

Lou doesn't get it for a moment then she realises. SAM. Lexi's talking about SAM. If her brother dies, SAM will transfer. Try to transfer. That didn't happen with Macen Barro and Avitus Rix, though. What if SAM can't transfer, if Raff dies before he can authorise it? What if SAM - _their_ SAM - is left broken, gibbering.

_Ella. Ella, Ella, Ella._

"Hey," Lexi says, voice soothing. "You need to breathe, Louella. Breathe with me, alright?"

Lou shrugs her hand off. "I'm alright," she grits out. "I'm fine."

Peebee reappears dragging Liam by the hand. As they turn back to the Nomad, Cora falls into step beside Lou, her hand brushes Lou's shoulder. "Alright?" she asks.

"Let's just find him," Lou says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, thanks for reading! your comments mean more than you know


	14. Chapter 14

Raff doesn't remember the first time he got high. It's one of those things he knows happened, knows about when and who it happened with but nothing else. He's pretty sure though that even that wouldn't compare to _this._

-

He wakes up in a dimly lit room. Everything hurts. A dull, blinding ache that makes him want to throw up. He closes his eyes again.

**SAM?**

_Pathfinder._

**Where am I?**

_Kadara Port,_ SAM says. Then, _May I ask you something?_

**What?**

_I am finding it difficult to understand your most recent course of action, Pathfinder._

Raff groans, raises one hand to scrub at his face. He tries opening his eyes once more, his head still pounds but this time he manages to keep them open. SAM doesn't offer to help, Raff knows he could, he helps in the field, when Raff's been shot or something. This is different, he guesses. Even SAM's ashamed.

He's in a small apartment, metal floors and wall, there's a kitchenette and a low sofa but not much else.

"Ah, you are awake."

The voice is familiar. Raff closes his eyes briefly. Reyes Vidal leans against the far wall. He's watching Raff impassively but rocking forward slightly on the balls of his feet, like he's uncertain. All Raff can see when he looks at him is that cave, Sloane Kelly and yeah, it's stupid, so stupid to be this broken up over it. There's a lot he wants to say, wants to ask. He wants this dumb thing to be the worst thing that's happening in his life right now but -

He sighs. His head still pounds, his throat is dry. "Where are we anyway?"

Reyes pushes off the wall, wanders across to the kitchenette. "Keema's apartment," he says as he goes. "I couldn't bring you to Tartarus for - uh - obvious reasons." And he means something by that, Raff can tell.

Raff closes his eyes. "You read my file?"

He's by the fridge now, bending to pull something out. When he stands back up he tilts his head at Raff, eyes soft. "Yes." He sets a bottle of water on the counter.

Makes sense now, Raff supposes. Reyes probably read his file before they met at Kralla's, figured Raff for an easy mark. Maybe if Sloane hadn't called him in as back up that day, Reyes would have kept his charade going, would have strung Raff along, aimed him and pointed him at whatever he wanted killing.

He's still tired. So godamn tired. But the Oblivion has taken off the edge, given him a little room to breathe. He feels clearer than he has in weeks.

 _Pathfinder,_ SAM says gently. _You should return to the Tempest._

**Yeah. Might need your help with that though.**

He feels it ripple through his body. It's hard to describe, like a shot of adrenaline but gentler. His head doesn't protest much when he stands up.

Reyes twitches, looks like he's about to cross the room and make Raff stay but he must rethink it. "You should rest," he advises.

"Yeah, not here though," Raff says.

And Reyes actually looks hurt at that. "Rafferty," he says. "I - "

But Raff's already at the door. He pauses, hand raised to the knob. "If Sloane hadn't brought me to your trap that day were you ever planning on telling me?"

Reyes holds his gaze. "I don't know."

Raff nods, closes the door softly behind him.

-

Gil's pacing outside of the Tempest on the docks, he looks up when Raff shuffles through the heavy metal doors. "Oh, thank fuck," he says into his comms. "He's just turned up."

He jogs the short distance towards them, stops just shy of grabbing Raff. Or hitting him, maybe. He settles for shoving Raff hard in the shoulder. "Where the hell were you?"

Raff brushes past him. "I needed to get out," he says.

Gil follows, "Get out _where?_ What did you - " he pales. "You didn't, did you?"

"No, I just," Raff pauses by the doors to the Tempest. He drops his voice low, "I needed to talk to Reyes, okay?"

Gil deflates slightly and for a moment, Raff's sure he's seen right through him but then Gil shakes his head, "He's no good for you, Ryder. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, yeah," Raff avoids his gaze. "I just didn't like how we left it. I needed closure, you know?"

Gil's expression is sympathetic, "And how'd that go?"

Raff shrugs.

Gil rubs his shoulder, "We're here for you, alright? Just maybe leave a note next time, or something? Save me panicking and freaking everybody out."

Raff smiles, "Were you worried?"

"Can you blame me?"

There's a deafening screech of metal as the lift to the Slums arrives. The rest of their crew step off of it. Lou leads them, stops dead when she sees Raff and exhales, "Asshole," she mouths.

 _Mouths._ She wants this to turn into a fight as little as Raff does. "I'm sorry," Raff says, when he turns to the rest of his crew, doesn't make a joke about not realising he still needed to call home if he was going to be out late or about not realising how much they cared. "I should have let someone know I was going. I will next time but can we maybe just get on with things?"

"See, that's what I've been saying," Peebee chimes in. "I mean, no offence, Ryder, I get that you have your whole ' _the pretty smuggler boy from Kadara turned out to be lying  who would expect this from a smuggler?'_ thing going on but I'm kinda getting tired of drifting around aimlessly. We haven't done anything useful since the Nantanus and even that wasn't _super_ useful."

Liam elbows her.

"What? We're all thinking it!"

Raff smiles, weakly. "It's fine. I was actually thinking we'd head back to the Nexus, check in with the other Pathfinders. Maybe they'll be able to help us reach Meriden."

" _Finally_!" Peebee crows. "You're taking me with you, right? I mean, Remnant crown jewel? You won't be able to stop me!"

They pile back on to the Tempest and Raff makes his apologies to Suvi and Kallo, promises Suvi he'll turn up some new tea for them to enjoy so she stops looking so hurt and tells Kallo they're heading home. Kallo seems pleased. If he's annoyed about Raff wandering off he doesn't show it.

Raff should probably talk with the rest of the crew more but right now, he needs a nap.

 _Pathfinder,_ SAM says, as Raff steps into his quarters and Raff holds his breath. _You have new email._

Raff closes his eyes, breathes out. He had been expecting something different.

"Thanks, SAM," he says aloud, crossing to the monitor.

 _You are welcome,_ SAM says. Then, _But there are still things I wish to ask._

"Alright. Just let me read this."

The email is from Reyes, short and sweet. _Rafferty,_ it says. _I know that I have not enamoured myself to you and I don't blame you for being distrustful but know that when I say this, I say it honesty: Oblivion will do you no good. I have seen it destroy stronger men, more tolerant men. Please don't become one of them._

Raff hits delete, sits back in his chair. Beside him on the desk, SAM's interface folds and reforms. "What did it feel like for you?" Raff asks, looking at the shimmering blue form. "When I took the Oblivion, I mean."

That last part is probably not needed. SAM's in his head, he knows what Raff means before he says it, probably.

 _I do not know,_ SAM says, after a moment. _I experience things as you do, Pathfinder, when you are conscious. The introduction of Oblivion into your system complicated things._

"Things?" Raff presses.

 _The decoding of sensory input,_ SAM says. _The line between memory, dream and reality._

"But how did it feel?"

_It did not. I do not. It was merely confusing. Is that how it felt to you?_

"No," Raff says. "It felt like nothing. Everything. I don't know." He rubs a hand over his face. Above him, he hears Lou and Peebee bickering about something. "I didn't have to think. That's all I wanted."

SAM does not say anything.

-

On their way into the Nexus, Raff is hailed by several people at once. Tann wants to see him about the Arks and Kadara, Kandros wants to see him about protestors and Apex, Addison wants to talk colonies and Aya, Kesh wants to talk about Spender and Keri wants to talk about well, everything. She jumps on him as he disembarks; reels off a list of questions before Raff can even really process things.

The problem is, Raff can't even really delegate most of this.

"Can we talk as you walk?" Keri asks. "I can talk as we walk."

"Sure," Raff nods. His priority is the other Pathfinders, maybe Kandros but if she's willing to chase after him he's not going to stop her.

She jogs to keep up with him as he heads towards the shuttle. "So I was thinking because your Nexus layovers are so infrequent, maybe we could record a few now and I can space out the broadcasts?"

"Sure, sure, fine," Raff says. Cora and Lou have gone on ahead to Operations, they're probably making excuses about how rubbish Raff's been, why it's taken this long to get here.

"First things first," Keri says. "The Angara."

She works her way through Aya and Voeld and Havarl to Kadara, to the exiles.

"We should be looking to build bridges," Raff says distractedly as they step off the shuttle at Operations. "Not drive our people further away."

Keri hums, "Strong words. Tann won't be pleased. Thank you, Ryder." She steps back onto the shuttle, her camera man following. "Don't be a stranger," she calls as the doors slide shut.

Kandros is waiting for him by the exit to the terminal. "Your sister's already been by," he explains. "Says I'm to take you right to Pathfinder HQ, no detours. Doesn't matter that those protestors in Hydroponics might bring down the whole ship apparently."

Raff winces, "I'm sorry, Kandros. I'll talk to them afterwards, I promise."

Kandros hums, doesn't sound convinced. "And what'll you say? Do you even know what they're protesting?"

Raff doesn't. He probably did once, probably had a few emails explaining the situation but he doesn't remember any of the finer details. "Cryo?" he hazards.

Kandros rolls his eyes. "Lucky guess," he sighs. "They're upset that their families aren't being prioritised. The fact that we only have a finite amount of resources and space doesn't seem to bother them."

"Right, right," Raff says. He drums his fingers against his trouser leg as they walk. The itch under his skin has started up again, started to get demanding. "So I go down, tell them we're doing what we can but right now we have to prioritise certain things and you escort them out?"

"Right," Kandros says. He looks Raff up and down. "You okay, Ryder? You're looking a little jumpy today."

"Just kind of overwhelming being back," Raff says, smiles weakly. "Lots to do, you know?"

Kandros doesn't look convinced. Or maybe he's just really unimpressed with Raff. Maybe both. "Yeah, funny how things tend to build up like that when you ignore them."

Tann's assistant is waiting for them just inside the door. "Oh good!" she says, "You're here! They're all waiting, go on through!"

-

He meets the other Pathfinders in the Nexus tech labs as Kandros escorts the protestors out down below. Lou and Cora stay behind in Operations. _Ghoststorm,_ Raeka calls it. It sounds like something from a kid's show but as long as it works.

Avitus says as much to him after, when they've gone back to Avitus' quarters. Shakes his head looking kind of shell-shocked. He hands Raff a drink without asking and Raff takes it despite SAM's warning.

_I do not think this is wise, Pathfinder._

**It's one drink, SAM. You can help me out, right?**

_Pathfinder..._

**I'm doing better now, right? I'm more together. It's helping.**

SAM is quiet but later, when Raff makes his way back to the Tempest, SAM keeps him steady, stops his words slurring, stops him stumbling. It's like Raff hasn't had a drink at all.

Kallo plugs in the coordinates for Meridian - what they hope is Meridian while Gil works to integrate Ghost Storm into the ship. In the dim of his quarters, Raff shakes the little glass bottle of Oblivion he bought. There's enough for two more hits. It'll get him to Meridian. That's all he needs right now.

There's a new email from Reyes. _Rafferty, please,_ is all it says.

"It's medicine," he says aloud, to SAM and it's stupid, SAM knows it's not. SAM's seen people strung out on it the same as Raff has, has seen everyone else's reaction, has shared a brain with Raff's father, inherited - at least in part - Alec's feelings on the matter. "It's making me better. It's helping me do my job."

 _There are side effects,_ SAM says. _Addiction is an illness. It may get worse._

"I can be careful," Raff says. He sets the bottle back down carefully, tucks it into a box stuffed with little keepsakes from the Milky Way and sets it down on the shelf next to his model ships. It'll look less suspicious that way, less likely to be hiding something. "It'll be different this time."

_Why?_

"Well, I have you for one; you can stop me if things go too far."

SAM is quiet.

"That's what you were built for, right?" Raff says, after a beat. "To make us better? To help us?"

 _Yes, Pathfinder,_ they say, eventually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i've been trying to write ahead as much as possible with this fic so updates aren't so spaced out but we've finally caught up! updates might be a little slower coming for a while sorry!
> 
> as always, thank you for reading


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know last update i was like "things might slow down" but i've been writing and rewriting this chapter for almost two weeks and i'm still not happy with it so i figured i'd put it up so we can all move on with our lives

Lou holds her breath as they move through the kett ships. It's not that she doesn't trust in Raeka and the other Pathfinders, it's that there's every chance the kett will catch on quickly. They're in the cargo bay, suiting up, her and Raff and Peebee and Jaal. Cora, Liam and Drack are their backup.

Lou's not all that pleased with their arrangements. Jaal can watch his own back but Peebee and Raff are different story. Peebee might be more reliable these days but she's still a loose cannon. It's fine, usually but Meridian is important. And Raff's always a liability. He's been steady for a few days but Lou knows that will change. He just needs to hold it together until they find Meridian. That's it. That's all.

She catches his eye as Gil fine tunes his jump jets, he holds it steady. _I need you to be good,_ she thinks. _Please be good._ When they were kids, they made up a secret language together, pretended they could talk to each other telepathically. He looks away. She hopes it got through.

Over the comms, Suvi gasps, "It looks like a giant space station!" and Lou feels suddenly homesick. The Remnant City probably looks nothing like the Citadel but there's dull ache in Lou's chest for her childhood home among the stars.

"I'll get as low as possible," Kallo says over the comms as Gil kits them out. "You'll have to eject over the landing zone."

Before they jump, Cora touches Lou's arm, squeezes it gently. There hasn't been much time to speak about this, about them, since Kadara but Lou's at least certain that this is real, tangible. She smiles back, ghosts her hand briefly over Cora's.

"Come back in one piece, alright?" Cora says.

Lou nods.

As they jump, Peebee whoops.

"We're supposed to be under the radar, Peebee!" Lou shouts back.

"Shit, sorry!"

Lou rolls as they land, the floor is slicker than she's expecting. It's raining, thick heavy drops tumbling down towards them from the stars. Lou tilts her head up, closes her eyes briefly.

"Everyone okay?" Raff calls.

"You'd know if we weren't!" Peebee says. She pulls out her sidearm, makes a show of using it to scratch the back of her head. "If you're all finished marvelling at the rain there's a city _full_ of rem-tech calling to me."

"Not why we're here, Peebee," Raff reminds her.

They push forwards, Raff activates a bridge. Great pillars of the Scourge have ripped through the room, crackling and burnt smelling. They saw the same thing in the crashed remnant ship, saw the scars on the Hyperion and the Natanus. Lou can hear gunfire in the distance, kett she thinks, remnant too.

Peebee makes a face. "They'll have wrecked all the good tech."

"Don't worry," Raff says. "They can't get through the doors."

"No," Jaal agrees. "But they are _in the way_ of those doors."

"Well _that_ is my sister's job," Raff says. He turns to Lou, looks expectant. Lou swallows, tries not to think too hard about it, not to look too closely, like if she breathes wrong everything will shatter.

"Okay," she says. "Okay. SAM?"

-

In a room filled with trees and giant glowing mushrooms and angaran husks in pods on the wall, Raff's hands start to shake. Lou sees it as she rubs Jaal's shoulder in soothing circles. She doesn't know how Jaal's still standing, she's not sure she would be.

"Raff," she says, as he shakes his hand, flexes his fingers, swears under his breath.

"It's fine," he says, distractedly. He tries again, stretches his fingers out and lowers it down towards the console. "Godammit," he mutters. "It's just the - _come on_. SAM?"

Lou watches as Raff's hand stills, stretches out. Raff exhales, lowers his hand again. The doors slide open.

-

"End of message," SAM says. The holograms flicker out. The sudden darkness, silence, is deafening. It's gone. Meridian is gone. This was all for nothing.

"No," Raff says, eyes bright in the dim of the room. "No, no. It can't be. That can't be it. That can't be."

Lou swallows. The room starts to light up again around them. "We can fix it though, right SAM?" She says, "We can find it. I mean, the Jardaan said they would return, they must have had a plan."

"Judging by the Scourge, I'd say their plan didn't work," Raff mutters.

Lou ignores him, "SAM?"

"Theoretically," SAM starts to say but they're interrupted by the arrival of a kett ship, by the platform quaking as a missile strikes it.

"Shit, shit," Raff shouts, as they duck down behind the blast shields. "Fuck! Does it ever fucking end?"

"It's alright," Lou says. "We'll get out of this."

"I dunno," Peebee says, leaning up over the shield briefly. "There's kind of a lot of them."

"Of _course_ there is," Raff mutters. He's trying to reload his rifle but his hands are shaking so much he keeps dropping the bullets. Lou listens to them clink to the floor.

"Pathfinder," SAM says. "The Remnant City is not without its defences. This is it's central command."

Raff looks at Lou. "The defences," he says.

Lou nods, "Go. We'll cover you."

Raff doesn't need to be told twice; he turns and scrabbles back towards the console. Lou leans up over the blast shield, fires off a few rounds. From behind her, there's a burst of bright light. She closes her eyes against the brightness.

For a moment, she's sure a purification cloud is going to burst out of the console, swallow them up where they cower. _Raff, run,_ she thinks.

There's no cloud, the turrets rumble to life, the ship goes down. Their victory is short lived though, "Fiend!" Peebee shouts, "They have a fiend!"

Lou's always felt calm in combat. Even as a kid, the only time things were quiet enough to think, the only time she had clarity, was when she was breaking some bully's jaw.

"Jaal, Peebee, cover the sides," she says, automatically. "Raff, stay low, pick off what you can. We hold this line."

-

They make it through the kett. As they wait for Kallo to pick them up, Jaal lays a hand on Lou's shoulder. "You know, you and your brother work a lot better together when you are not actively trying to kill one another."

Lou smiles, "My mother used to say that too."

Jaal laughs low and rich. "My mothers would say similar things."

There's more Lou wants to say to him but Kallo radios in, tells them the Tempest will be with them soon. She claps Jaal on the shoulder and stands. "Kallo's on his way," she calls to Raff and Peebee.

-

They climb onboard together, Jaal makes quickly for his room, Peebee scrambles off to show Gil some of the rem-tech she's nabbed. Lexi meets them in the cargo bay, scanner in hand, ready to fuss over them. Lou waves her off, none of the blood on her armour is hers.

Raff hefts off his jump jet, makes a face as he does so. He doesn't wear one usually, doesn't need it. Probably isn't used to the weight of it.

Lou shrugs hers off slower, sets it down gently. "You did well today," she says. It's an olive branch, maybe. Or just the truth. Either way, she's giving Raff an opening.

She breathes out when Raff smiles back at her.

"Yeah, thanks," he says. "We did okay, didn't we?"

"I'm sorry," Suvi says, as soon as they step out of the cargobay, "But Director Tann's on the phone for you."

Raff groans. "Which you?"

"I don't know, either you?" Suvi says. "He was very specific."

They go together. Tann doesn't exactly look surprised, doesn't exactly look thrilled, looks kind of disappointed really. Tann, tells them the Nexus will support them fully in their search for Meridian.

"I knew you guys would come around," Raff says just as Lou inclines her head and says, "Thank you, sir."

Tann thins his lips, looks at Lou like he wants to say something but doesn't.

"Well, Tann," Raff says. "If that's all being Pathfinder is kind of a tiring job and I'd really like to - "

"Of course," Tann says, nodding. "Goodbye, Ryders." He flickers out.

Lou exhales, "That went better than I thought it would."

Raff laughs, "Did you think he'd chew us out?" He says, like it's the most ludicrous thing in the world.

"I don't know," Lou says. Maybe it _is_ ludicrous. She runs her hands through her hair. "You disobeyed a direct order, we all did, and if it had gone bad then - "

"But it _didn't_ ," Raff interrupts. Then he puts his hand on her shoulder, lightly. "Trust me, Ella. I know what I'm doing."

He says it with such seriousness that Lou laughs. "No you don't," she says, shaking her head and she shouldn't be laughing. It isn't funny, not really but for a moment it feels like they're back on the Citadel, kids again before the world got in the way. _I missed you,_ she thinks.

"Yeah," Raff agrees. "But I'm good at making people _think_ I know what I'm doing and I usually figure it out. Or SAM does, at least."

-

Cora's waiting at the bottom of the stairs down in research. She smiles when Lou come down, takes her hand. "So, has your brother earned us medals or do we need to find ourselves a new place to dock?"

Lou smiles, "Not quite medals but Tann apologised."

Cora laughs, "Now _that's_ something I'd have liked to see."

She leads Lou to her room in the biolabs. It's nicer than Lou's escape pod, less stuffy, less noisy, less near to Peebee who seems to do most of engineering work when everyone else is trying to sleep. Once the door slides shut behind them, she wraps her arms around Lou, reaches up to unwind Lou's ponytail and tangles her fingers in Lou's hair. "I'm glad you're okay," she says.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this ones short but i'll make up for it, i promise

Their probes are out gathering data, scattered across Heleus, it's only a matter of time before they find Meridian. Raff's out of Oblivion, used the last of it before the Remnant City. He's running on empty. Luckily it's Peebee's idea to go to Kadara. She's collecting bits and pieces of rem-tech from sites across the system; Vetra has business, the settlement needs looking into.

Lou and Liam head out to Ditaeon, Vetra takes Drack with her, Peebee's supposed to be watching him but it's easy enough to slip away. He's been doing better, everyone's happy with him. When they traipse back to the port from the Badlands she scuffs her feet, fidgets awkwardly, they don't have the part, some scavengers have it.

"So uh, I think I know what's happening here," she says. "I mean, I know who's doing this."

Raff waits, expectantly.

"And no offence, Ryder, but I kind of want to do this flying solo?"

"Are you sure?" Raff asks. "It could be dangerous."

"Pfft," Peebee waves a dismissive hand. "I'm sure someone will be around if I need back up."

Raff doesn't argue.

_Pathfinder._

This is always how it went in the Milky Way. He'd sober up, end up a wreck, find something to take the edge off, get back on the straight and narrow and the pressure would build. Expectations would mount. His mother would put her hand on his knee and say, "I'm so _proud_ of you, Raffey."

_Pathfinder, I do not think you should do this._

Raff pulls his hood up as he steps off the elevator to the slums. It's a flimsy disguise but it's all he's got. "It's fine SAM," he says, quietly. "We talked about this. It's making me better."

SAM's quiet after that.

Raff steps out into the slums, walks slowly. There was a man following him earlier, one of Reyes' he guesses, but Raff can't see him anymore. Maybe he's dropped back; maybe someone else has taken over. It doesn't matter; Raff's not going to look too hard.

He can't find the salarian, all he turns up is a few more addicts on the streets, shaking their way through withdrawal. Apparently Oblivions dried up. This is Reyes' doing. He makes his way to Tartarus.

-

The clubs crowded tonight, thudding music, the stench of stale sweat and alcohol. He goes in the bottom door, makes his way past the bar and up the stairs. He thinks about stopping for a drink but Kian's probably been told not to serve him.

Reyes has his back to him, glass of whiskey in one hand.

When he turns he makes a good show of seeming surprised. "Rafferty," he greets. "I was hoping you would stop by."

"Cut the crap, Reyes. I know this was you."

Reyes downs his drink, settles onto his plush red sofa. "I told you, Rafferty. I didn't want to watch it destroy you."

"No one asked you to watch," Raff says. He turns to go, there's one more place he can try. "By the way, you might want to train your people better. Your man was an easy spot."

Reyes smirks. "He was supposed to be. So you'd stop looking."

 _We should return to the Tempest,_ SAM says, like they're not in Raff's head. Like they don't already know what Raff's thinking.

**We can try Dr Farenth.**

_Rafferty, I do not think you should do this._

"Stop me, then," Raff mutters.

-

Lou and Liam have the Nomad; Raff has to make to with a smaller ATV.

"SAM," he says, as he slides into the driver's seat. "See if you can find any records of Dr Farenth turning up somewhere."

"Nothing," SAM says. "Although there have been several unidentified asari bodies found on the planet this week alone."

"Well, at least there's a chance," Raff says, starting up the engine.

-

Dr Farenth's lab is abandoned but there's no blood anywhere, no sign of a struggle. "There must be something," Raff says, switching on his scanner. "If she's still alive she would have left a message for her buyers, something to let them find her."

 _And if she isn't alive?_ SAM asks.

"Just help me, SAM, alright?"

_Of course._

He turns up a few leads here and there. Nothing solid but he's desperate. SAM's been keeping his hands in check, more than Raff knows probably, but SAM can only do so much for nerves, for the itching of Raff's bones.

He marks the navpoints on his omni-tool.

Reyes is waiting outside the lab, lent up against his shuttle.

"Did you kill her?" Raff asks, as he strides back to his ATV.

"No." He sounds honest. "She was gone before I could track her down." He falls into step beside Raff. "You should stop this, Rafferty."

"Fuck you," Raff says. He opens the door, slides in. Reyes puts his foot in the door, stopping Raff from closing it.

"Rafferty, please," Reyes says, leaning in close. "Stop this."

_You should listen, Pathfinder._

"Shut up," Raff mutters. He yanks the door, makes Reyes spring back. "If you don't move I'll run you over."

Reyes steps back.

"Don't follow me," Raff calls over his shoulder. Reyes is already on his way to his shuttle.  

 _Mr Vidal is behind us,_ SAM informs him.

**I can see that.**

If this was Eos, Raff could lose him easily, duck into a winding cave, end up somewhere completely different. Even with SAM's map, Raff isn't as confident with Kadara. He drives in the vague direction of one of Dr Farenth's navpoints. Maybe Reyes will give up. Maybe Raff will drive so long and so far things will magically work out.

_Pathfinder, I detect hostiles ahead. They appear to be Collective._

There are two of them, a few crates. Their guns are raised. They open fire.

"They better get out of the way then," Raff says.

One of them is too slow.

Raff doesn't really feel it anymore. Stopped feeling it a long time ago. One of the red dots on his map flickers out.

He gets a mile or so away before Reyes swings his shuttle in front of the ATV. For a moment, Raff's not planning on slowing down. He's going pretty fast, if Reyes doesn't move it won't be pretty.

Maybe it's SAM that drops his foot onto the brake.

"Those were my men," Reyes shouts. His eyes are dark and angry.

"They were shooting at me!" He puts the car in reverse, turns it around.

"For God's sake, Rafferty!" Reyes yells. "Stop this! You are going to get hurt!"

Raff swerves, skirts around a few pools still bubbling and belching toxic gas.

_Pathfinder, I must advice caution, this area is -_

"SAM if you don't have anything useful to say would you maybe just _shut up_?"

 _Rafferty,_ SAM warns.

It's one of the back wheels that hits the mine.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was another "i'm going to re-write this several times and still not be happy about it" chapter but here it is, anyway
> 
> as always, thanks for reading

Lou's on her way back from Diteon when SAM's voice comes over her comms. She's in the passenger seat, Liam's driving. Things have been better between them lately, the teasing is less bitter, less sharp.

"The Pathfinder has been injured," SAM says. "Nav point marked." There's no real time to process, injured could mean anything but SAM wouldn't alert anyone for a papercut or something.

"It's five minutes away," Liam says, turning off the dirt track towards SAM's navpoint. Lou nods, face pale.

"He'll be alright," Liam says. He doesn't look away from the road and his voice is soft, so soft Lou's not quite sure whether he's talking to her or to himself. "SAM will - He'll be alright."

They crest a hill and Lou realises she's been here before. There'd been an angara, not a resistance fighter but determined to keep her little patch of planet free of kett and Nexus exiles. She had a mine field. On Voeld they'd hit a mine, SAM had warned them, had told them it would be best to proceed on foot but Raff had ignored him, had driven on anyway.

 _This is why I don't let him drive,_ Lou had said to everyone, to anyone and she's thinking suddenly about whether Raff was driving, where he got a vehicle if he did, was he walking? What was he doing out here anyway? Peebee was supposed to be with him. Is she okay? Is she still with him? Did she flake off somewhere?

"I see them," Liam says. He floors it down the hill, Lou grabs his arm.

"Be careful," she says. "Mines."

Liam hits the brakes. "Shit. _Shit_. You're right. What do we - "

Lou's already slamming out of the Nomad, sprinting down the hill. There are two figures, one sprawled on their back, the other bent over them. It's Raff on his back she sees when she gets closer, his movements weak and sluggish.

Bent over him is Reyes Vidal.

There's no time to feel anger, not in between sucking air into her lungs and watching where she puts her feet and trying to work out how badly Raff's hurt. Whether he's okay. Whether he'll be okay.

When she reaches them, Raff reaches out to her, half raises his hand. "Ella," he mumbles. "Ella, I'm sorry, I - "

Lou takes his hand. It shakes in hers. There's blood. A lot of blood.

"The Tempest is inbound," SAM informs her. She thinks she can hear the rumble of engines. Hopes, maybe.

Reyes Vidal's eyes are wide. He has Raff's other hand in his. He doesn't look at Lou, his eyes are fixed on Raff, his free hand tangled in Raff's hair. He's muttering something under his breath, over and over.

"Ella," Raff says, sobs. "Ella."

There's blood at the corner of his mouth. Bubbling up frothy. She reaches out to wipe it away. " _SAM_ ," she says, desperately.

"I am doing what I can," SAM says.

A hand lands on her shoulder, Liam's finally there. "Hold on," is all he says, voice tight.

-

When the Tempest lands, Lexi takes charge. Reyes helps them move Raff aboard, helps them get him to the medbay. Once they're there, Lexi waves them out. Suvi and Cora are with her, they both have basic medical training. Cora leads Lou out, hand at the small of her back. She doesn't say _it'll be fine_ or _he'll be okay_ , neither does Lexi.

They cross the corridor, crowd into the crew quarters. Reyes sinks down into a chair, covers his face with his hands. Liam paces, shaking his head. "I can't believe he's alive," he says. "He shouldn't be alive, you saw that - he shouldn't be - "

"SAM," Lou says as she realises. "SAM kept him alive." _I am doing what I can,_ SAM had said.

Liam looks at her, nods slowly. "Yeah," he says. "Yeah, okay, makes sense. I'm gonna go check in with everyone else." They're still a few down. Vetra and Drack and Peebee and Jaal are planetside. There hasn't been time to ask whether they've all been told.

Gil and Kallo arrive. Kallo frets. Gil is pale and jittery. "What happened? What was he even doing out there?" he asks, suddenly, glaring at Reyes. He advances. Reyes looks up at him tiredly.

"What did you do?" Gil demands, his hands are balled into fists.

Kallo tugs at Lou's sleeve. "Ryder," he says. "If you don't want Dr T'Perro to have two subsequent patients waiting for when she's done I suggest you, uh, intervene."

He's right, of course but it's hard to hear over Raff saying _Ella, Ella,_ while he bleeds out in the Kadara dirt in her head. "Vidal," she barks. "I need to talk to you."

Reyes sets his jaw but he follows her out, follows her down to the kitchen.

Lou's steps are heavy. She feels a little on autopilot, like her brain is still trying to catch up with everything else. Did it feel like this before? After Habitat 7? After her father died? Maybe this is that too. Delayed reaction, or something.

How long did it take after her mother died?

She shuts the door behind them.

Reyes turns to face her. His words are careful and measured. "I tried to warn him," he says. "I -"

Lou interrupts him. "What were you doing out there with him?"

Reyes draws back a fraction. His expression shutters, goes from open and worried to something more annoyed. Like it's an affront that Lou would suspect him of doing anything untoward. Lou thinks very hard about breaking his pretty nose. Then Reyes closes his eyes briefly, mutters something under his breath.

"I want you to know that I am only telling you this because I do not wish for your brother to come to harm," he says, when he opens his eyes.

"He's already _come to harm._ " Lou points out.

"Yes," Reyes says faintly. He scrubs a hand over his face, leaves his hair rumpled and looks down. "He was looking for Oblivion."

Lou processes the words slowly.

"Oblivion," she repeats. "The drug."

Reyes nods. "I did what I could."

"Oh, I'm sure."

"I did," Reyes snaps, angrily. "I was trying to stop him. After that first time I - "

Lou closes her eyes. "Get out."

When she opens them, Reyes is still there. He studies her intently. "I want to know that he's alright," he says, eventually.

"Get. Out." Lou repeats, adding, when Reyes looks like he's about to argue, "Mr Vidal, you can either leave of your own volition or you can be made to leave but either way, you're leaving."

Reyes clenches his jaw, exhales slowly. "I did not mean for this to happen," he says. "Ryder, please."

Lou says nothing. After a few moments, Reyes leaves.

She stares after him. She's expecting anger to unfurl in her chest, to course through her but there's just exhaustion. She leaves the kitchen, turns left instead of right. SAM lets her in to her brother's quarters, she crosses to their interface.

"SAM."

"Hello, Ryder," SAM says.

"I need you to tell me what Raff was doing out there today."

SAM is quiet.

"SAM," she says. "I know that you and my brother are - " _Close_ , she's going to say, but that it isn't it. Connected. Conjoined. SAM learns from her brother, learns how to process things, how to react. How to be. But SAM was with her father for a while, learnt from her father too. She tries again.

"SAM, you know that my brother is sick, right? And I don't mean - I don't mean this accident. I mean from before then. From forever, maybe."

"I am beginning to understand that, yes."

"Helping him lie isn't going to help him get better."

"I am finding it difficult at times to understand the definition of lying." SAM says.

Lou sighs. She crosses to the hamster's cage and plucks it out, pets it absentmindedly as she talks. "That's because you're learning from a liar. What about my father?"

"He had a more black and white view on things but I have found that your brother's approach is more amenable in certain circumstances."

"Just tell me what he was doing out there," Lou says. "Was he looking for Oblivion?"

"He said it would help."

Lou closes her eyes. "Has he used it before?"

"Yes," SAM says.

-

When she leaves Raff's room, Gil is waiting outside. His face is pale, his expression tight. Lou's not blind. She knows Gil likes him. It's a shame; he's a nice guy behind all that swearing and nonsense.

"Did you ask SAM what happened?" he asks. "Did they say anything?"

Lou sighs. She leans against the wall, tilts her head back. "Yes."

"Is it bad?"

Lou nods.

Gil laughs, shakes his head. Lou laughed like that once upon a time. "I knew it," he says. "I bloody knew it. He was so - I knew something was up. Fuck. _Shit._ I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," Lou says automatically.

"That night at the port - " Gil starts.

"He would have found a way," Lou interrupts. "Trust me." She shakes her head. "I should have known. I'm sorry you got hurt."

Gil looks at her like that's the strangest thing she could say to him. Then he shakes his head. "No, it's my fault. He warned me that first week. Maybe even that first day. He just wears that angsty damaged thing so damn well."

-

It's an hour before Lexi comes back out, lays her hand on Lou's shoulder. "He'll be fine," she says.

Lou feels herself tip forwards, Lexi catches her. "Thank you," she says, gripping Lexi's wrist. "Thank you."

The others have returned, they're all crowded together in the small seating area in the quarters. A collective sigh goes through the room, Liam starts to laugh. "I knew it," he says. "I knew it!"

Lexi smiles and squeezes Lou's shoulder. "You can see him. Maybe just a few of you at a time, though?"

Lou goes first, follows Lexi into the medbay, passes Cora as she does. Cora puts a hand on her arm, slides it up to rub circles into Lou's back. "Come with me," Lou says. It sounds a little desperate, even to her ears.

"Of course," Cora says. Her hand drops to take Lou's. She squeezes lightly, just once.

Raff's asleep. His chest is bare, criss-crossed with freshly sealed scars. His breathing is slow and even.

"There was a lot of damage," Lexi says. Her voice sounds very distant as Lou stands over her brother. "But he'll be fine. Did anyone manage to figure out what he was doing out there?"

"Vidal was there," Cora says. Asks, maybe.

Lou sits down beside her brother, takes his hand. She thinks about the first time she did this when they were fifteen and he drank too much, got alcohol poisoning. Lou had given a fake name to the doctors but it hadn't fooled them for long.

"I'll tell everyone later. There'll be some things we need to discuss." She doesn't expand on it, doesn't need to. They probably already know. Cora sits down beside her and puts an arm around her shoulders.

Lexi nods.


	18. Chapter 18

Raff comes awake in stages. First, he's aware of the soft sheets, then the soft hum of the engines. "Reyes," he mumbles.

Someone laughs. Not Reyes.

"God, Raff," his sister says. "You're such a cliché."

It comes back to him slowly: Kadara, Reyes, the mine. **Am I dead?** he thinks suddenly, panicked.

 _No, Pathfinder_ , SAM responds.

Raff opens his eyes. He's back on board the Tempest, in the medbay. It's like waking up on the Hyperion in SAM node, the same sluggish thoughts, the same full body ache. His sister is sat by his bedside, the room is empty otherwise. She doesn't have to say anything, Raff already knows she knows.

God, he's so sick of this. He so sick of being this way. His eyes burn hot and angry with tears. "I'm sorry," he says. "Ella - Lou, I'm so fucking sorry."

Lou just shakes her head. "Tell that to someone who fucking cares Raff. I'm done. I'm tired of this. I don't know why I thought this would be different."

Everything else dies in Raff's throat. He swallows. "Now what happens?"

"We talked it over," Lou says. "All of us. We decided it would be best if you transfer SAM over to me or Cora."

There's a lump in Raff's throat. His head spins. "Ella - "

She goes on, ignores him. "One of us will take over as Pathfinder."

"Ella, _please -_ "

"Don't call me that," she snaps. She crosses her arms. "You don't have to leave, Raff. I won't make you do that but those people out there actually believed in you."

She stands up.

"I'm sorry," Raff says. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

He wants her to tell him its okay, to hold his hand and stroke his hair like when they were kids and nothing felt like it mattered. She doesn't, but she pauses by the door, looks back at him sadly. Neither of them look much like their mother, favouring their father's bold lines over her subtler features. Raff's never really thought about it before but right then he realises he'll never see his mother's smile again, never see her soft dark eyes. Lou wears her sorrow like their father did, shuttered behind layers of disappointment and vague disgust.

"I know it'll only make you feel shittier but I really thought you might have made it this time," she says, softly. "What went wrong?"

Raff shakes his head. Nothing. Everything.

"Ryder your heart rate is dangerously high," SAM says.

Lou brushes a hand across her eyes. "I'll get Lexi."

-

They drop him off on the Nexus. It's mostly Raff's decision.

Before he goes Jaal hugs him tightly, says, "I do not fully understand your illness, Rafferty but I hope you recover swiftly. It would be good to see you happy when this is over, my friend."

Everyone else ignores him.

He watches the Tempest fly off from the docks, arms crossed across his chest. He's all healed but it still twinges. His chest feels tight. **SAM?**

_Still here, Ryder._

SAM's still with him, Lexi said there's very little chance they'll ever be able to separate Raff from the AI but Lou's Pathfinder now. SAM's attention is divided. **Will I be able to tell when Lou's in trouble by the silence?**

_I can let you know if you'd like._

**Maybe. We'll see.**

He stares out at the stars for a few minutes more before leaving. Tann's sent someone to meet him, apparently. Cora called him before they jumped over, Raff's willing to bet he threw a party, cracked the champagne. Addison's probably thrilled as well.

He looks around. The docks are busy, people coming and going. He wonders idly how hard it would be to get his hands on a shuttle.

_Ryder, I believe I have spotted Tann's messenger._

There's a buzz that turns Raff's head to the side. "Avitus?"

Avitus is leaning out over the balcony, staring out at the docks below. He turns. "Ah, Ryder. Tann was going to send his aide to meet you but I thought you might need a friendly face." He claps Raff on the shoulder lightly. "You're an idiot, Ryder."

"Yeah," Raff says. "So I've been told."

Avitus tilts his head. "I didn't know, you know. When you were last here - "

"It's fine. It's not your job to know."

"Well, alright. Come on." He starts walking, heading towards the shuttles. Raff falls into step beside him. "So, what you planning on doing now you're not the chosen saviour of humanity?"

"I have no idea. It's not like I have any marketable talents."

Avitus glances at him side-on. "I dunno, Ryder, I took a peek at your records. What wasn't redacted was impressive. Apart from the parts you spent on benders."

Raff hums. "Doesn't matter. Kandros won't work with me and Addison hates me, so getting security detail is out of the question."

"Yeah, you have burnt pretty much all your bridges."

Raff snorts as they wait for the shuttle to arrive. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, Rix."

"Hey," Avitus says, evenly. "I'm your babysitter, not your cheerleader."

-

Raeka and Vederia are both off-ship, Raff's glad right up until Avitus claps him on the shoulder and says, "Tann told Raeka this morning. She was not impressed. Anyway, I gotta go. I'll be around later if you're still here."

"Why what's Tann planning to do to me?"

Avitus smirks. "Good luck, Ryder."

"I'll need it," Raff says, as Avitus leaves.

Tann's aide smiles at him encouragingly. "You can go right through," she says.

Tann's very polite when Raff finally sees him, smiles and tells Raff how sorry he is, how much good work Raff had done for them but how he understands, how Raff is very brave for handing his job over to his sister. He tells Raff that there's an apartment waiting for him on the Nexus and as soon as he's back on his feet they'll find him a job.

It's all bullshit. Salarians are supposed to be good at lying. Tann must have missed that memo.

"Oh, and Ryder," he says, just as Raff is leaving. "How should I put this? I know it might be tempting to jump right back into things here but I think you need to take some time to reflect and rest up. I don't want to see you in Operations for a few weeks at least."

 _Ryder,_ SAM's voice is gentle.

Raff closes his eyes, curls his hands into fists at his side rather than around Tann's throat. "Of course," he grits out.

He manages to make it back to the shuttle before the anger boils over and he kicks out at one of the seats.

 _There are things you could be doing,_ SAM says. _You are not useless just because you're no longer the Pathfinder._

Raff laughs. "I think that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

_That's untrue._

Raff swallows. "Alright, SAM what's you big idea?"

_Your father's memories. You were in the process of unlocking them._

Huh, Raff thinks. He'd forgotten. It had gotten buried underneath the remnant and settlements and the kett. And Reyes. He sits down in one of the seats and breathes out. "Yeah, okay SAM. But first I need to get my hands on a ship."

SAM is quiet.

"What? You don't think that's a good idea?"

_Your past interactions with Mr Vidal have not been ideal._

"I just want to know he's okay, SAM."

_An email would suffice._

"SAM," Raff says.

The HNS announcer crackles over the radio, "Upset today as news broke that the position of human Pathfinder was transferred Rafferty Ryder to his twin sister, Louella. Like her brother, Louella has as a gleaming Alliance record and has been on her brother's team since the arrival of the Hyperion three months ago. Time will tell whether she makes as much of an impact as her brother."

-

He runs into Keri as he steps off the shuttle at the docks. She's lurking just outside, springs on him when he appears. "Pathfin- uh, Ryder, have a minute?"

"Only if you can get me a ship," Raff says and he's half joking but Keri brightens, her whole face lighting up.

"I might be able to work something out," she says. "Two stories?"

Raff holds out a hand to her, "Deal." He's not convinced she'll really come through but it's better than hoping he can find someone who still thinks he's Pathfinder. Or takes pity on him. Maybe Tann would be happier if he left, maybe Raff should just put in a request or whatever it is people generally do.

Keri grins, "Excellent, so first the Remnant City. Then we can discuss your stepping down."

"Well, that's one word for it."

-

The ship Keri gets for him is small but it'll do the job. It's not until he's sliding into the pilot's chair that Raff realises he hasn't flown anything in years, not since he was a kid and his dad still took an interest in his life. SAM takes over, tells him what to press and how to steer and the coordinates for Kadara.

"Thank you," Raff says, when they land. SAM doesn't respond but something tingles. A _you're welcome_ without the words.

It's early yet when he gets to Tartarus but the clubs still packed, still sticky, hot and stale and full of people who left behind one galaxy to try again and ended up right where they started. Raff's not all that surprised; this has always been something of an eventuality for him.

Kian calls out to him as he passes. "Do you ever take a break?"

"Heard what happened," Kian says and Raff assumes that he's talking about Lou taking over as Pathfinder, realises later he might be talking about the part where Raff was blown up. "You doing alright, Ryder?"

"I'm fine. Reyes around?"

Kian takes a moment before he responds, eyeing Raff up carefully. "He's upstairs," he says, eventually. Raff nods his thanks and jogs up the stairs.

He stands outside of Reyes' rooms for a long time before knocking.

Reyes looks surprised when he answers the door, dressed casually in a dark shirt and trousers. "Rafferty," he says and something in his gaze softens.

Raff finds himself moving forwards automatically, reaching out to touch him but something makes him stop, draw back. His hand falls back to his side. He rocks back and forth on the balls of his feet.

"I was worried," Reyes says. There's something hesitant in him too. "Your sister -  " Then he reaches out, touches Raff gently on the arm, squeezes like he's trying to convince himself Raff's really there. "I thought you had died."

"I'm sorry," Raff says. The words seem hollow. He's said them so often lately. "I - fuck, I don't even have the words."

Reyes smiles, this faint little flicker that breaks Raff's heart. "Well, I'm sure that whole debacle hurt _you_ much more than it hurt me." His touch lingers. Raff leans into it. There are a million things he wants to say, he should say but maybe it's all just hitting him.

"Can I - ?" he asks, gaze dropping briefly to Reyes' lips.

Reyes smiles again, soft and sad. He pulls Raff gently into his rooms and shuts the door behind them. "Do you really think that's wise, Rafferty?"

"No," Raff says, honestly. "I really don't. But I really want to. Can we just pretend nothing happened? That it's Sloane's party again, or we're back in the Milky Way and nothing matters."

Reyes draws closer; the sadness in his eyes starts to ebb away. "Just pretend?" he asks, reaches up to brush Raff's cheek.

"Just pretend," Raff says.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, thanks for reading

They're crouched in the snow, outside a kett facility on Voeld. It's big, not as big or sprawling as some of the other ones they've found so far but it's sizable. She has Drack, Liam and Vetra with her. Lexi suggested they should take a break after everything that had happened with Raff, arrange for a long layover on Eos or something but Lou thought differently. They were all angry, restless, better to get back to it and hope no one was too distracted.

So here they are, back on Voeld like nothing's happened, following a kett trail that might end up paying off or might end up being a huge waste of ammo.

She shifts, scans the area through the scope of her rifle. SAM's augmented her tech, lets her see the kett through the metal walls, flagged up in reds and oranges. **Did you do this for my brother?** she asks.

_He did not feel it was necessary._

Lou snorts. Of course not.

"We should move," Vetra says. "The longer we stay here, the more chance they'll have of finding us."

"Alternatively: the more chance we'll have of freezing to death," Liam mutters.

"Alright," Lou says. "Come on then. Liam, Vetra, go around and approach from the otherside. Drack with me. We move on my signal."

"What's the signal, boss?" Drack asks.

"Gunfire," Lou answers.

-

Afterwards, Cora pushes her into her bedroom on the Tempest, corners her on the walkway with smirk and says, "Pathfinder, could I borrow you for a minute?" Her hands are at Lou's hips. She's a few inches shorter, presses her lips to the hollow at the bottom of Lou's throat.

Lou sighs. There hasn't been time for this. Hasn't been time for anything, really.

Cora presses her into the wall, her breath hot against Lou's skin. "I think you could use a break," she says.

She's still in the escape pod. Raff's room is free for her if she wants it but it feels wrong.

Lou smiles, curls her hands into Cora's sides. "Lexi would agree with you."

Cora chuckles, presses a chaste kiss to Lou's throat. "I don't know that she'd approve of my methods though."

Lou snorts, tries to imagine Lexi submitted a psychological report to Director Tann with the words _needs to get laid,_ in the 'suggested treatments' area. "Well, as long as it's effective," Lou says, bending to capture Cora's lips with hers.

They kiss for a long while, slow and tender. Cora's hands wander a little. Lou's content to let her take the lead with this, with everything really, they've never really talked in depth about her past, about her experience. She's just working her hands up under Lou's top when there's a knock at the door.

 _It is Miss Anwar,_ SAM supplies. _Director Tann is calling and there has been a message from Elaaden regarding the kett._

Lou huffs.

Cora sighs, laughs. "I suppose a few minutes _was_ a big ask."

Suvi knocks again. "Lou - er, Pathfinder, sorry to bother you but Tann's on the line."

"Open the door, SAM," Lou says as Cora steps away.

If Suvi's surprised to see Cora in Lou's room she doesn't show it. They haven't made any attempts to hide what's happening but they haven't exactly announced it to the team.

"He wants you to make a statement for the Nexus on taking over from Raff," Suvi says.  "And there've been reports of the kett firing on one another on Elaaden. Given what you found in that compound, it might be worth investigating."

"Alright, tell Kallo to set a course for Elaaden. I'll talk to Tann now."

-

"Your brother has been talking to that Asari journalist again," Tann opens with when Lou steps into the meeting room. "I don't know exactly what he said yet but I feel it would be best if we got out in front of it just in case. He has made some questionable statements in the past."

He's not alone either; Director Addison is with him, hands folded neatly behind her back. "Besides," she adds. "I think an official statement is long overdue."

It's been two days but Lou doesn't point this out.

"Alright," she says. "Anything in particular you want me to say?"

Tann and Addison exchange a look. "Just make it clear that this was not a decision made lightly and that your brother gave his consent. He did good work, I don't want rumours being started that I forced him out because of personal disagreements," Tann says.

Lou smiles. She's fairly sure those rumours have already started. She's also sure that she and Tann will have their fair share of disagreements in the future, just to keep things operating as usual. "Alright."

-

She keeps her statement brief, says that following an incident and the building stress of it all, her brother stepped down. Says that while he's away from the Tempest for the time being, it's always been the plan that he'll rejoin them someday. She'll do her best in his absence; do her best to live up to the legacy of both her brother and her father before her.

Tann seems happy, Addison content. They sign off just as they're coming into land on Elaaden. Cora's waiting for her in Research, links their hands. "I'm coming with you," she says.

Lou's helpless to deny her.

-

The crashed kett ships lead them to Eos, to a series of relays to be destroyed. Cora, Liam and Drack are packed into the Nomad with her as they follow the trail of signals. The fourth site is different, there's no shield, no relay. Lou lets the Nomad roll to a stop a few feet away.

"I can't believe we missed all this," Liam says, as they step out. The dirt crunches beneath his feet as he scuffs them. He shakes his head. "All these kett just lying in wait doing god knows what while our people had no idea."

"We found them in time," Lou says curtly. She's parked up the ridge a ways, behind a boulder to keep them out of sight. She crouches low. "SAM, getting any readings?"

"There are a number of kett below, Pathfinder but I can detect no relay here," SAM says. "There are, however, a number of communication points within the building that may prove useful if investigated."

"Maybe this is it," Cora suggests. "The last of them? Maybe we've caught up and they haven't had a chance to set everything up yet?"

"Either way I need to introduce them to my guns," Drack says.

"I dunno," Liam says. "If they hate the Archon as much as we do, they could be useful."

"I'm not working with the kett," Drack growls.

"That's not what I'm suggesting," Liam says, holding up his hands. "But, it wouldn't hurt to get some insider intel, right Pathfinder?"

Lou nods. "On me," she says.

-

Fighting the kett is a lot easier, Lou's found, when she's not keeping an eye on her brother half the time. They go down quickly, blitz through them and end up in an empty building. It's quiet. Eerily so.

 _Pathfinder,_ SAM says, directing her attention to a console in the back of the room. She can't explain how SAM turns her head, points things out to her. It's like a gentle tingling that dances across her scalp and down her back, not tugging or nudging, just gently suggesting. She wonders sometimes how much of Raff's leadership was driven by SAM.

_Your brother was quite an adept soldier when he was not otherwise distracted._

**Don't I know it.**

"Be careful," Cora warns, as Lou approaches the console.

"It's fine," Lou says, examining it. "It looks like a comm console, it's probably what's sending out those messages."

"That's it then, end of the line," Liam says. "We can tell Bradley Prodromos is safe. Again."

But something flickers on and a kett is suddenly projected into the room. **A recording?** she thinks, remembering the Archon in the Exaltation Facility on Voeld.

_No. It would appear this is a real time link, Pathfinder._

Lou readies herself for an ambush, her companions mirror her.

"So you have found me," the kett says. "You are a single-minded creature, 'Pathfinder.' I see it now, your determination will grant the kett dominion over this galaxy."

"Determination is a personality trait, not a genetic one," Lou says evenly. This must be Primus. The kett that disagrees with the Archon. "Not that you understand personality. Or have one."

"You waste time on pettiness; I did not reveal myself a traitor so easily. I did so only because I saw mutual benefit," Primus says.

Lou exchanges a look with Cora, a look with Drack.

"Getting rid of the Archon."

Primus nods.

"I take it you need my help for this," Lou says.

"I am kett, I do not need help. I would use you as a tool to hasten the Archon's destruction."

So this is it, her first big decision as Pathfinder is whether or not to trust their enemy, to allow them to help. Primus offers them a kill code for Primus' ship. It'll make their final fight a lot easier.

"It'll give us an ace in our back pocket," Cora says. "Just make sure the guns loaded when we use it."

Liam's not so convinced. "Deals with the devil always end badly. I don't want to end badly."

Lou sighs, "Drack?"

"You saw what they did to my scouts, Ryder," Drack says. Then, begrudgingly he adds, "But it might work out better in the long run if we've got one less kett to worry about."

**SAM?**

_It seems there will be no immediate consequences to accepting the deal, Pathfinder. The Archon must be defeated._

"Alright," Lou says.

-

They head back to Prodromos. They've agreed amongst themselves to not pass on their deal with Primus with the Nexus leaders. On the drive back, she thinks a lot about what Raff would have chosen.

_I could make an educated guess, if you like._

**That's okay,** Lou thinks back but then, **Are we very different, SAM? In the way that we think about things, I mean?**

SAM doesn't respond for a long while. _You are similar in some ways; you often both wonder what your father would do in situations and then what each other would do prior to reacting. In your brother's case, he often does what he thinks you would do whilst you do the opposite._

**Oh.**

_It is fascinating,_ SAM says. _You share so many formative experiences yet you have learnt from them in very different ways. Is it so with all humans?_

**I don't know, SAM.**

_For example,_ SAM goes on. _You both miss your mother and have many fond memories of her yet at a certain point they diverge, you both begin to see her differently but for different reasons. You are disappointed she continues to love your father; you begin to see her more as an individual in her own right rather than someone who simply performs a function in your own life. Your brother does not. Despite this, however, you both miss her for similar reasons, you both have regrets, you both wish to make amends and before she died, you both harboured a desire to go back to how things were._

Lou's eyes sting a little bit. Laid out like that before her, it all sounds so clinical.

**That's enough, SAM.**

_Apologies, Pathfinder. I am still learning._

**Did you talk like that to Raff?**

_No. I judged that his mental state was too fragile._

**And mine isn't?**

_No. At least, not in a way that I understand._

They're approaching the settlement; Lou can see the tips of its buildings over the lip of the crater.

**Do you think I'll do a good job, SAM?**

_Yes, Pathfinder._


	20. Chapter 20

The first time SAM goes quiet on him he's out in the Badlands, Kurinth's Valley. He's taken to driving aimlessly around, trying to spur his father's memories into unlocking. There doesn't seem to be any reason behind it, they don't unlock after fights or when he feels like he's accomplished something. They're not tucked away in data files as rewards, they're random, bursts of sound and colour that SAM files away and reforms coherently.

He's watched SAM's creation, watched his mother tell his father about her illness, watched his father try to save her, watched that last awkward family meeting they had. He's learnt about the Benefactor. This has been his life the past few weeks, travelling around Heleus, travelling to the Hyperion to watch them.

He lets the ATV roll to a stop. "SAM?" he calls. "SAM?"

There's nothing. This vast absence in the back of his mind. No one answers.

Raff realises he has no idea what to do so he sits, hands on the steering wheel and waits.

It's almost half an hour before SAM comes back.

_I apologise, Rafferty. Your sister demanded my full attention._

"Is she alright?"

_She is fine. Their mission was a success._

Raff lets out a breath. "Good, that's good."

_Should we continue?_

"No," Raff decides. "Let's go back."

-

Reyes smiles when Raff gets back to Tartarus. He stands up, "You're staying here tonight then?"

Raff nods. "Well, unless I get a better offer in the next five minutes. Maybe I'll go down and see if Kian's free for a chat."

Reyes pulls Raff towards him, holds him tight and laughs, "Anyone would think you are trying to make me jealous, Rafferty."

"Is it working?" Raff asks, before Reyes kisses him.

He's spent most of his time since leaving the Tempest on Kadara, with Reyes, has only spent a few nights in his apartment on the Nexus. It's odd being there. There's a pretty even divide between people who are glad he's stepped down and people who couldn't give a shit either way. No one seems particularly upset he's not Pathfinder anymore. Maybe Keri, but that's only because she's not getting any stories out of him and Vederia who's taken Raff's failure as a sign that her own is coming.

Tann's politely asked him to minimise the time he spends there anyway. Apparently it's confusing. He's probably not thrilled Raff's decided to spend all his time on Kadara though. It's not a secret, the only communication he's received from the Tempest is a message from Vetra saying: _Just so you know, people have started to call you the 'Queen of Kadara.' Your sister is thrilled_.

The Queen of Kadara.

Reyes presses him down into the couch, sucks marks into Raff's throat until Raff squirms and flips their positions, rocks his hips back and starts unzipping Reyes' jacket. Reyes arches up, grips Raff's hips. "I suppose this is the part where I make a filthy joke about your last name," he says.

Raff groans slumps forward and presses his face into Reyes' neck. "We need to have a long conversation about what you are and aren't allowed to say anymore."

Reyes laughs, his hands slide up Raff's back, one winds gently through his hair. He turns his head to press a kiss to Raff's forehead. "I did say your taste in men was awful."

"Oh my god," Raff says. " _Stop._ "

Reyes laughs again, rolls them back over and kisses him thoroughly. "I have to work tonight," he breathes, against Raff's lips. He starts kissing down along Raff's jaw.

"You want me with you?"

He feels Reyes smile against his throat. "Well, I'd like your AI along, so I suppose you should come too."

"I'm flattered, Mr Vidal," SAM says.

"You should be, you are a masterful feat of engineering."

"Maybe SAM should be Queen of Kadara," Raff mutters. "So what are we doing tonight?"

"The usual," Reyes answers. "There is an anti-AI group up in the hills we need to assess. They have done nothing so far but Sloane's records indicate they've had a number of questionable deliveries made. The kind that could result in explosions if mixed just right."

-

They're on their way to one of the many empty pre-fabs dotted about Kadara when Raff feels the familiar burst of light in the back of his mind. He stops walking, puts a hand to his temple. It doesn't hurt but it makes him feel like his brain is resetting, rewiring.

**Another memory fragment, SAM?**

_Yes. Another of your father's memories has been unlocked._

Reyes has paused, a few feet ahead, frowning back at him.

Raff jogs to catch up. "I'm fine," he says, when he reaches him. Their arms bump together as they walk. "I have to go to the Hyperion tomorrow."

"Not too early, I trust," Reyes says, slinging an arm around his shoulders.

"I can go whenever," Raff smiles.

-

In SAM node Raff closes his eyes against the familiar rush of dizziness, the nausea that pitches in his stomach as SAM takes him into one of his father's memories. He'll never get used to it, the white-noise of his father's thoughts and feelings a constant buzz in the background. Quiet and indistinct, they dissolve, scatter if Raff tries to concentrate on any of them too hard. He only has what his father saw, what his father said, the broadstrokes of his deeper workings.

If anything, this has only made his father more a mystery for him.

 _This memory is from your mother's final day,_ SAM says.

Raff feels cold all over. He didn't expect this. He expected more on the Benefactor, something illuminated -

**I don't want to see this.**

_Your father wished it,_ SAM says.

**SAM, please.**

_I am sorry, Rafferty. The process has already begun._

The white burns out. His mother lies on the bed, her face tipped towards Lou. Lou's knuckles are white where she's gripping the edge of the bed; her face is red from crying. Their mother is pale. Drifting in and out.

Raff wasn't there that day. He'd gone AWOL again, shacked up with some turian who said he had pretty eyes and bought him all sort of drugs. Lou came to find him. They were too late getting back.

His father lingers in the doorway of the room before crossing to the bed.

"She's awake," Lou says. "Lucid."

Ellen turns towards him. Her lips are cracked and dry, her eyes are fogged with pain but they're focussed. "It was a good fight, soldier."

"It's not over yet," his father says. His voice is steady.

"Alec," she says.

"No."

"Alec, we have a few hours left, let's enjoy them." His mother says. She winces. "Where's Rafferty? Has - Has anyone found him? I want to see him before I - " she bites off the end of her sentence.

Lou makes a noise like she's been shot. This sort of gasp, sort of sob. She bends slightly.

"And after?" his father asks.

"You'll still have each other," Ellen says.

"We want _you,_ " Lou says, and she sounds like a kid again.

Ellen reaches up to cup Lou's cheek. "I love you," she says, winces as she lowers her arm. "Live your life, do great things, I see so much potential in you. And remember, fall in love at least once. Your brother - has anyone found him yet?"

Alec shakes his head. "I'm sorry," he says.

Lou grips her hand, "I'll find him, mum. I'll find him, I promise."

Ellen smiles, "Thank you. Look after him, Louella. Look after your brother, please."

"I will, mum," Lou says. "I will."

When Lou leaves, Alec takes her hand.

The rest of it is white noise. His father promises to look after them both, tells Ellen he loves her.

When the memory is over, Raff's legs give out and he lands in a messy heap on the floor. SAM's gone. His head is quiet. He calls Reyes from his omni-tool.

"I was _just_ thinking about you," Reyes says. He sounds happy, warm.

"Hi," Raff says, shakily.

"Rafferty, what's wrong?" Reyes asks, immediately.

"Did I ever tell you about my mother?" He says the words in a rush, before he can really stop himself.

Reyes is quiet for a moment. "Rafferty, have you been drinking?"

"What? Jesus, no," Raff says. He draws his knees up to his chest. "No, no, I haven't. I haven't."

"And if I ask SAM?"

"SAM's with Lou, she's doing something important I guess and - Look, I haven't been drinking. Would you just listen to me, please?"

Reyes sighs. "I'm sorry," he says, and he actually sounds sorry. "It's just - doesn't matter. Go on."

Raff closes his eyes, tilts his head back against SAM's console. "My dad left these memories for me to find, like a treasure map in my head. They're all about SAM and the initiative. SAM can let me watch them except it's like I'm actually him - my father."

Reyes breathes out shakily. "That's - Rafferty, that sounds - " he breaks off. Raff doesn't know how Reyes really feels about SAM, where he falls in the whole AI debate, it must be odd. Being with someone with a symbiotic AI. "What does this have to do with your mother?" Reyes asks.

"I - She was sick and I didn't - I wasn't there when she died. I was at some - it doesn't matter. I wasn't there, we knew she was dying and I wasn't there."

"But your father was," Reyes surmises. He says it gently. Raff doesn't need to respond.

"Are you coming home?" Reyes asks and Raff almost laughs before he realises that Reyes is probably being serious. _Home._

"Yeah," Raff says. "Yeah. I'll uh, be there soon."

"Good," Reyes says.

Raff signs off.

He sits in SAM node for a long time, waits until he feels SAM again. _Hello, Rafferty._

"Is Lou alright?" Raff asks.

_She is fine._

"Good."

_You have not moved._

"I'm glad you're putting that hyper-intelligence to good use, SAM."

_I am sorry._

"It's not your fault." He looks down at his hands. "SAM? Does Lou have access to these memories as well?"

_Not unless you grant her permission. Your father's instructions were very clear, it was you he activated the protocol for and you who must unlock them._

Raff nods.

After a moment SAM adds, _Would you like to grant her permission?_

Raff stands up, scrubs at his face. "No. No, that's alright, SAM."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're almost at the end guys, thanks for sticking around so long!


	21. Chapter 21

The day they find Meridian, Lou wakes up in Cora's room on the Tempest, Cora sprawled on top of her, snoring. It's nicer in here, more spacious than the escape pod, fresher air from the plants.

For a moment she lies still, listens to the engines of the Tempest hum. There's been time for moments like this lately, there haven't been any crises, all their missions have been straight forward. The vaults have long been active, Eos and Voeld and Elaaden and Kadara are as Kett free as they can get them, Havarl is thriving, the angara are welcoming more to Aya with each passing day. They've taken down two Remnant Architects, dismantled the Roekarr.

All that's left to do is find Meridian and Suvi thinks they're close.

Eventually Lou yawns, stretches, wriggles her way out from under Cora and pads out towards the kitchen.

 **How's Raff?** she asks, like she does every morning.

 _Well,_ SAM responds. _He is well._

Lou nods.

Suvi's already up, combing through the data on her omni. "I'm almost done," she says, when Lou steps onto the Bridge. "I'm just running a few simulations. Just to be sure. Right," she says. "I think I've got it. SAM?"

"Analysing," SAM says. Their voice sounds different then in her head. "I believe your conclusion is correct, Miss Anwar. This is how we get to Meridian."

Suvi laughs. "Take that back to the remnant city, find an overide and the ships will fly the same vector as Meridian."

Lou smiles at her. "You're brilliant."

Suvi doesn't blush. She knows. "I should wake the others. I'm assuming we'll be heading out now?"

Lou nods and Suvi heads out.

 **Raff should be here.** She doesn't mean to think it to SAM.

 _He is with Mr Vidal,_ SAM tells her. _I could contact him if you wish._

Everything has been going so well. They're more efficient without him. Besides, Lou can interface with rem-tech now, his combat performance is patchy, he'd only be a liability. It sounds like something her father would think. Probably his rationale for not bringing him on board with the Initiative until Lou made the decision for the both of them.

She wonders if anyone would fight her on it. No one's brought it up before.

**Do you think I should?**

SAM takes a moment. _There would be little benefit to his presence. He may not even be willing._

There's part of her that thinks SAM's just saying that for her benefit. SAM learns from them after all, they must know by now how to lie. But what would be the point?

**Thanks, SAM.**

She lingers on the Bridge, looks out at the stars.

**-**

"It feels strange coming back here now," Kallo says as the city comes into view.

Lou has a hand on the back of his chair. "Well, we're different. We're ready," She says.

Cora holds her other hand. "Be safe," she says. She's not part of the ground team. Their reserve as ever. They've had these plans for almost a month.

Lou squeezes her hand.

"In your own time, Pathfinder," Vetra says over the comms. She and Jaal are already kitted out and waiting in the cargo bay.

-

When they land, Lou stands in front of the access panel. It's the first time she's interfaced with rem-tech. When she reaches out, for a moment she's sure the panel won't react to her, maybe only Raff can do this part and then where will they be?

 _It is fine, Pathfinder,_ SAM says. _The console will respond. You will be able to pass through._

Lou takes a breath. She stretches out her hand, mimics the movement she's seen Raff make a hundred times.

It buzzes, like electricity dancing across her fingertips. The doors slide open.

Lou exhales.

Vetra goes on ahead. Jaal puts a hand on Lou's shoulder. "Did you think you would not be able to do it?" he asks. He smiles kindly.

"I don't know," Lou admits. "Raff made it look so easy but I kept wondering if there was a trick to it."

He pats her on the back. "Come on, Ryder. We are almost there."

-

In the command centre, Lou stands in front of the override panel. "SAM, everything ready?"

"All relevant data is queued for uplink," SAM says.

"Okay," Lou says. "Let's do this. Let's find our home."

She stretches out her hand.

Vetra and Jaal watch closely. This is it. Everything in Lou's life has been leading up to this point. _I see so much potential in you,_ her mother said that final day. _Look after your brother._

Raff should be here. She's being selfish. But it's too late.

She presses her hand to the console, little nips of electricity at her fingers, waits for SAM to install Suvi's programme. It whirs to life, throwing up galaxy clouds, a holographic map.

"Remnant ships have lifted off," SAM informs them. "They are following the override vector."

"The scourge is moving," Lou says, peering at the display. "But the ships are getting through."

The scourge parts. Meridian hangs heavy and hollow in a little pocket of stars.

"Meridian, Pathfinder," SAM says. They sound proud.

Vetra leans over Lou's shoulder. "Is that a planet? It looks fake, constructed."

"Is the data correct? It says it is hollow," Jaal says.

 "A self-contained seed-vault," SAM starts to explain.

Lou doesn't really hear them. She could laugh, she could cry. This is it. They've found it. They've found home. They've made it. "We did it," she says quietly. "We found Meridian. We can make this place a home."

"Congratulations, Pathfinder," the Archon's voice echoes through the chamber, reverberates off the walls, comes back distorted. "This is a great day for us all."

No, it's not echoing off the walls. It's in her head, reverberating around her skull a droning buzz and then white hot crackling pain that has her crying out, falling to her knees.

She doesn't understand. It doesn't make sense. Nothing does.

"SAM?" she calls, puts her hand to her temple. "SAM? Tempest what's going on?"

She stumbles.

**SAM? SAM?**

Pitches forwards.

Vetra is calling the Tempest, Jaal has knelt down beside her, hand on her back. Lou thinks he's speaking, asking her something, she can see his mouth moving but all there is is -

**_SAM!_ ** **Where are you? What's going on?**

There's no reply.

She has to move. The Archon is here - or there. He's after Meridian.

Lou lurches forwards. Jaal tries to grab at her, she thinks.

**SAM, please.**

"I believed you a fitting rival, but you are a false thing. A lie. How could you be a worthy opponent? You cannot even remain loyal to your own."

"Ryder!"

She hears it distantly, faint and muffled as she stumbles. Vetra is in front of her suddenly, one hand on Lou's arm, trying to stop her, to support her. "Ryder, what's going on?"

"Tempest," Lou manages. "Get back to the Tempest! The Archon - "

"I saw what made your kinsman special, your brother. Once I saw it - his connection with the AI, the same one you know share - I knew when to take it from him."

She shrugs out of Vetra's grip. "Get back to - " she says. "We have to get back - "

**SAM...**

"I would let him find Meridian and use his SAM to weaponise it. All Heleus will be exalted, one by one - the worlds you have built will die. Starting with Eos."

**SAM, tell Raff -**

"All I would need is an implant. An implant like yours, like his. You would have been a problem but no more. Nothing will stand in my way. The Hyperion will fall."

"No!" Lou shouts, her legs give out. Jaal and Vetra press in on her from both sides. Their hands are everywhere, holding her up, checking her over, rubbing her back, her arms. "The -  He's going to - "

**SAM, please. Please.**

"Fall to darkness, Pathfinder. You were almost worthy."

 _Look after your brother,_ her mother says. _Look after him, Lou. Please._

-

She feels her life slip past her, little bursts of colours and sound, little snippets, little scenes.

She's a kid, visiting Earth, running through a field. Raff is behind her somewhere, trying to catch up with her. He'll fall and scrap his knees and her mother will be annoyed.

She's standing with her brother on the Hyperion before they're frozen, shoulder to shoulder. Their father looks at them both in turn. _Your mother -_ he starts to say but then he stops.

She's seventeen and kissing the first girl she'll fall in love with while her brother gets high for the first time in the next room.

She's being called in to see her commanding officer on the relay, being asked to leave the Alliance because of her father. Her mother already knows. Her discharge papers were sent home. She clenches her fists so hard her nails cut into her palms and bleed.

She's on Habitat 7 listening to her father die.

She's on Eos watching Cora's seeds drift down into the dirt, twinkling like stars.

She has to see Cora's garden grow. She wants to see her face when the first rose blooms.


	22. Chapter 22

"I'm going back to the Hyperion today," Raff tells Reyes over breakfast. They're in a prefab out in the Badlands, Raff's gotten bored of the rooms above Tartarus, Reyes likes the change, says the rooms in Tartarus are more like his office anyway.

Reyes doesn't look up from the tablet he's scrolling through. "You are still trying to find out who this 'Benefactor' is?"

Raff drains the last of his tea. It's fabricated, nothing like the stash Suvi had on the Tempest but it's bearable. He nods.

"You might find something you do not want to hear," Reyes says. He looks up finally, eyes soft with concern.

Raff's been back a few times since he watched his mother die, nothing's hit him as hard as that did. That night he spent sat in the corner of the room above Tartarus, eyes squeezed shut against the thudding music while Reyes sat curled around him, chest to Raff's back, whispering soothing things in his ears, singing old earth lullabies.

Raff knows he might find something he doesn't want to hear but that doesn't mean he shouldn't go. His father left these memories for him to find for a reason. It's building to something, the Benefactor, Jien Garson's death and it's not out of sentiment. If he knows anything about Alec Ryder, it's that he wouldn't go to this much trouble for sentiment.

"I'll be fine," he says and Reyes exhales but doesn't argue. Instead he stands, kisses Raff on the forehead and tells him he's got to go to the slums, there's work to do, he'll see Raff when he gets back.

When he's gone, Raff dumps the empty mugs and plates in the sink.

**SAM?**

_Here, Ryder._

His ship is parked outside, Reyes' shuttle is already gone.

"Let's head back to the Nexus," Raff says, sliding into the pilot's seat. He's going to see Tann to find out about Garson and the Benefactor. Tann probably doesn't know much and even if he does, he'll stay tight-lipped about it.

 _Plotting a course to the Nexus,_ SAM says.

-

Kandros is passing by the shuttle bay when Raff arrives in Operations. He shakes his head, "Tann won't be pleased to see you here."

"Well, hello to you to Kandros. I've been fine thanks, what about you?"

Kandros sighs. "Not now, Ryder. Our systems have been going haywire all day, comms have been up and down. I really don't need this." He stalks off before Raff can ask anything further, heading for Addison's station.

Raff shakes his head.

_If it is any consolations, Ryder, I can confirm that there is something interfering with the Nexus' systems though whether the fault is internal or external I am unable to tell._

"That's not our problem anymore, SAM," Raff says as he heads in the direction of Tann's office. "They've made that very clear."

Tann's aide says the same as Kandros, that Tann won't be happy to see him but she lets Raff through anyway. Raff suspects she doesn't like her boss very much.

Tann audibly sighs when Raff appears. "Ryder, to what do I owe this pleasure?" he says, his false-polite tone clearly strained.

"I was curious about what you knew about the people who backed the Initiative?"

Tann looks taken aback and then suspicious. "I know what everyone knows. Jien Garson had a vision and unfortunately died during the uprising. Why?"

"It's complicated," Raff starts.

-

Tann knows nothing like Raff suspected, politely suggests that Raff drop it. They don't need any more scandals, particularly not ones caused by Raff. Things are going well, they're making strides against the kett, have befriended an alien race and Meridian's discovery grows closer every day. He says this like Raff wasn't involved in most of it, like Raff had nothing to do with their thriving settlements, with their peace with angara.

Raff storms out. Has SAM hack into the Nexus security database and combs through everything there is on Garson's murder.

He can still be useful. He can be useful without Lou babysitting him.

"The only hard fact is that her body was found in one of the apartments," he says.

_Then connecting her death to the Scourge disaster was mere speculation._

"Well, Tann made it clear they just wanted it to go away. Maybe we should check out that apartment."

_Marking it's location._

_-_

SAM goes quiet after they find Jien Garson's secret message.

"Something big spooked them in the Milky Way," her VI says. "Now they're moving 100,000 of us to Andromeda. I hope it's all for the good but I have my doubts and now I think they're going to remove me. Alec Ryder and I had a codeword for this: "fulcrum." He may have learnt more."

**What did that mean 'something big in the Milky Way?'**

SAM doesn't answer. There's that familiar absence, the echo of his own thoughts against the void. He's getting better at not panicking about it but that doesn't mean he's used to it. He reaches up, rubs his thumb across the almost imperceptible scar at the base of his skull. SAM will be back. SAM will always be there. They can't be separated.

He wonders slowly back out of the Cultural Centre heads down towards the shuttles. The ride is silent, no radio chiming in. Raff frowns. Kandros had said their systems were going down but it's been a few hours at least. They should have found the cause by now.

 **SAM?** He tries. Still nothing.

On the Hyperion, he makes his way to SAM Node. The interface is still there, still lit up bright blue and pulsing. It's eerie not being able to speak to SAM. Lou must be fighting. Maybe she's found Meridian.

He sinks down beside the console to wait.

He must fall asleep because the next thing he knows the arc is lurching beneath him, almost like it's coming loose from its docking with the Nexus. He steadies himself, stands up slowly.

**SAM?**

Nothing.

He swallows. Behind the closed doors he can boots thudding, people running, panicked voices. His omni-tool tells him comms are down. Right. He's alone then.

He steps out into the corridor just as Captain Dunn is hurtling past. "Ryder!" She shouts as she passes, "I need all available personnel on this. Get down to cryo and tell everyone you find to get to the medbay. It's the most secure place on the ship, hurry!"

Raff runs after her, head spinning. "What's happening?"

"The kett are boarding us, they've taken control of the Ark. Go! Go!"

In the distance, he can hear gunfire.

**SAM you better get back here. Please.**

-

"Keep going," Raff says, herding scientists and researchers out of cryo. "The medbay is still secure."

Harry strides over to him. "What the hell is going on?" He looks scared. Like he did on Habitat 7.

Raff shakes his head, "I wish I knew. Dunn wants everyone to the medbay, that's all she told me."

The kett are shooting people. They're looking for something. Lou must have really pissed them off to make them this bold, this brash.

Harry sighs, "Alright. You should get there too. Your sister will kill me if I let anything happen to you."

Raff smiles weakly. "Or she'll thank you. Go on, Harry. They'll probably need all the doctors they can get. I'll catch up."

Harry nods, follows the last of the researchers out. Raff turns back, intending to do one last sweep of the bay when SAM comes back.

_Rafferty, the Pathfinder needs your help._

"SAM? Where were you? What happened? What's happening out there? Is the Tempest okay? Is Lou?"

 _Kett forces are sweeping the ship,_ SAM tells him. _They are looking for you. The Archon has severed the connection between your sister and I. She has found Meridian, he wishes to take it from us._

"Meridian?" Raff echoes.

_Yes. The Archon and his fleet are on his way there._

It's a lot. Raff closes his eyes briefly. Takes a breath.

"Okay," he says, when he feels a little steadier. "Why are they looking for me?"

_The Archon wishes to use me to weaponise Meridian, for that he requires an implant._

"Like mine," Raff says, shakily. "But that will kill me."

 _Correct,_ SAM says. _It would be unwise to allow him to find you._

Fuck. Fuck.

"I can't leave the Hyperion," Raff says. "The kett are in the shuttle bays and even if I could get to a transport ship they'd see me taking off."

_Yes._

"What about Lou? Is she okay? Will she be okay?"

_Unknown. My connection with her is not as complex as it is with you, if her implant was removed she would likely recover well. However, I do not know what the Archon did to severe our connection. The implant may have been damaged which could have consequences. Unless our connection is manually reset, I will have no way of knowing._

"Manually reset," Raff says. He starts walking, doesn't really know where. "Right, okay. How do I do that?"

_You will need to use the QEC Relay here on the Hyperion. However, it's activation will certainly alert the Archon to your whereabouts._

"But Lou will be okay?"

_I cannot confirm that._

"But there's a chance?"

_Yes._

Raff closes his eyes again. It's not really a decision. If it comes down to himself and his sister, she's the one who has to live, she's the one who'll save the day in the end.

 _I am sorry, Rafferty,_ SAM says.

**Me too.**

"Alright, SAM, what do I need to do?"

_First you will need a weapon._

Raff looks down at his shaking hands.

"Then?"

_Then you will need to hurry, Rafferty._


	23. Chapter 23

"It won't open," someone says, thuds at the door. "Open!"

"Tempest," Jaal says. "The Pathfinder is down."

Lou opens her eyes. Her head _aches._

The room comes in to focus slowly. Jaal is knelt beside her. "Come in," he says, into his comms. " _Come in._ " He looks down, "Oh! Vetra! She is awake!"

Vetra's face appears. "Ryder," she says. One hand ghosts over Lou's forehead. "We thought we lost you."

For a moment, Lou can't think. Everything is slow, distant, mashed together. Then she remembers.

**SAM?**

Nothing.

She tries to sit up but Jaal presses her back down. "Easy," he says, his brow crinkled with concern.

"The Hyperion - " Lou says. "The Archon - The Hyperion is dark, SAM with it. We have to get back. He's going to - He wants SAM, an implant so he can control Meridian - "

"Rafferty," Jaal guesses. He looks anguished.

Lou nods. This time when she tries to sit up neither of them try to stop her. After a moment she hefts herself up, limps across to the console. "We have to get back," she says to herself. The console lights up even though SAM's gone.

"Ryder," Jaal says. "No, that console is remnant, you need SAM."

"We need to get back," Lou repeats. She stretches out her hand. It shakes. Like Raff's.

The console responds but this time it doesn't yield, refuses to bend. The pain shoots up her arm, tingles through her nerves, setting them ablaze. She bites back a yelp of pain, growls instead.

"Ryder, stop, we'll find another way," Vetra says.

"We _need_ to get back!"

She raises her hand again. The door twitches. This time she can't bite back her cry. The connection breaks, she slumps forwards, closes her eyes briefly.

"Ryder, you'll kill yourself!" Vetra snaps.

"Your vitals are crazy," Jaal's voice is calmer. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

"I can do this," Lou says. She can. She has to. _Look after your brother._ "He has Raff."

She tries once more. The door opens.

Vetra surges forwards, jams herself in the doorway to keep it open. Jaal curls an arm around Lou's shoulders. "Come on," he urges. He half supports, half carries her onwards.

"The Tempest," she says. "We have to get back."

-

Lexi reaches her first, scanner in hand. "There you are!" she shouts.

Cora is close behind, her face pale. She doesn't touch Lou, hands carefully at her side like she's worried she'll break her or something. The others are waiting outside the Tempest.

"You have to stop doing this," Lexi says.

Lou waves her off.

"News on the Archon?" she demands.

"Headed to Meridian with a small flotilla," Cora says. "You got the last signal before the Archon locked it down."

"We're not letting this stand," Liam snaps. "We should be ready to move."

Cora catches his arm, "Wait, we need a plan."

"Stop ship, kill jerk!" Peebee says. "It's simple. Let's go!"

Everyone starts talking at once. Shouting. Arguing. Liam's right, they can't let this stand. They've come so far, they've fought so fucking hard. She's not letting this be it. It _can't_ be it.

But the Tempest isn't a fighting ship. They've got no back up, no way of getting a message to Apex on the Nexus. They're alone. A handful of misfits and a ship with no guns.

There must be something. There must be something she's missing.

 _When your back is against the wall,_ her father used to say, _use it._

She thinks back to all the no-win situations they've been in already in Heleus. There are too many to count but they're still here. Even last time at the City, pinned down by kett and remnant and a fiend. _The Remnant City is not without it's defences,_ SAM had said.

Lou looks across at a nearby console.

She knows what she has to do.

-

Like the console for the door, it resists, pushes back, sends pain rippling up her arm.

"He has the Hyperion!" Vetra is shouting. "That's how many thousand hostages? Not to mention Raff!"

Lou closes her eyes and pushes harder.

The remnant ships hum to life around her.

Everyone falls silent.

"You did an impossible thing," Peebee says, awed.

There is a hand on Lou's back. Cora's. She turns Lou gently to face them. "Can you keep that up?" she asks, quietly. "Have them fight for us?"

"I - " Lou starts to say but Cora pales, reaches up to touch Lou's face just below her nose. Her fingers come away red.

Lou can feel it then, the warm blood running in rivulets down her face. Cora opens her mouth to say something but Lou interrupts her. "We don't have a choice," she grits out. "We have to fight. We have to win."

-

Lou sits in the medbay afterwards, mind buzzing, and lets Lexi shoot her up with drugs. Lexi's not happy about it but it'll keep Lou from coming apart at the seams at least.

"Raff would love this," she says faintly, before Lexi gives her the all clear.

Lexi doesn't smile. Doesn't even grimace. "If you keep this up, Louella, it will kill you," she says. "You should probably spend some time with the people who will miss you."

Lou swallows. She's right.

Cora's waiting on the Bridge, facing out towards the stars. "I saw what happened out there," she says, without turning around.

Lou stays silent.

"Using remnant without SAM hurts you," Cora goes on. " _A lot_." Her posture is rigid, her hands folded neatly behind her back.

Lou approaches. She stops when she's close enough to touch, reaches out but stops. "I know," she says, quietly. "But it's the only thing I could think to do to give us a shot."

Cora shudders, her head tilts down. "Everything or nothing," she says to the stars. "We keep making that deal." Then she turns, eyes hard, jaw set. "Maybe you can raise a fleet. Make a bunch of explorers act like soldiers for a day. Maybe we'll win. Maybe we'll live to fight another day. But I only know one thing," her voice cracks. "I - _We_ \- can't bury another Pathfinder."

Lou doesn't know what else to do but hug her. Cora doesn't fight it, she falls against Lou like she's boneless. _You won't have to,_ she wants to say but she can't. She can't make that promise, can't carry that promise to Meridian.

Promises are heavy. They weigh you down.

_Look after your brother._

-

Meridian stretches out beneath them, blue and green and alive.

The Nomad thuds into dirt. Lou doesn't get a chance to take any of it in as it blurs past them.

"Pathfinder, the Hyperion is nav dead," Suvi says over comms. "Looks like external thrusters only."

"The Archon's betting we won't chase him with the Ark at risk," Lou says. She's trying to think. There has to be a way to save the Ark and stop the Archon. She'll find it.

Another voice comes over the comms. "Ryder, we'll guard the Ark."

"Kandros! Who's with you?"

Evfra's voice joins Kandros'. Then Reyes.

"The invitation was open," he says. "And besides, I heard the Archon took someone who is very; very dear to me and that is not something I respond well to."

"Me and you both, Reyes," Lou says.

-

She hasn't fought with SAM guiding her in her head for very long but she's surprised how much she misses it, how much she's come to rely on them. At a certain point, she finds herself falling into autopilot, everything else melts away all there is is her gun and the kett and her crew. Blood and noise and ships fading out to white noise.

They advance.

Voices chatter over the comms.

"The Archon must be inside already," Cora says, when they reach Meridian's command centre.

"We'll stop him," Lou says, through gritted teeth.

She's tried to keep track of everyone but it hasn't gone well. She thinks Jaal and Vetra are nearby. Liam she keeps finding and losing in the fray. She hasn't had eyes on Cora or Drack or Peebee since they landed.

She doesn't know if they're all still standing. She thinks Suvi or Kallo would have told her if anyone had fallen but maybe not.

But there are too many. Waves and waves of kett ships. Even with Primus taken care of, they'll be overrun. A fleet is moving in. A platoon of foot soldiers charging down the hill towards them.

"Ryder," Vetra says uncertainly, from somewhere to Lou's left.

Reyes appears too. "This does not look good," he says, but he keeps his rifle raised.

Someone thumps her on the shoulder. "Stay strong," Jaal says. "We have the better position."

Lou's eyes are wet. The tears are hot and angry. _Keep going,_ she's about to say. _They can't be endless._

But a ship swoops in.

Raeka. Raeka and the Pathfinders.

"Take the fight inside, Pathfinder," Raeka says over comms. "We'll protect the Hyperion, but that only matters if you catch the Archon."

"Understood, Pathfinder," Lou says.

There are still the ground troops. It'll take time to open the door.

Reyes steps forwards. He glances back, "Find him, Ryder."

There's no time to say anything. Lou turns towards the doors.

-

Meridian command is laid out like the city, consoles, gravity wells, kett troops and remnant around every corner. It's overgrown, leafy plants curling through panels and walkways. Their allies follow them in. Kandros, Evfra, Raeka, Reyes.

The Hyperion crashes. Captain Dunn sends everyone to cryo, she stays on the bridge but she's alive. They're all alive.

"Everyone hear that?" she shouts. "That means humanity's staying."

They keep heading deeper into Meridian, all the while the Archon's voice echoes across their comms. "Does he know he's broadcasting?" Vetra asks.

They head down a gravity well, land in a room full of remnant but none of them attack. "What the hell?" Vetra mutters.

One of the observers moves. Lou lifts her gun reflexively but it doesn't shoot at them. It just waves.

Lou frowns, "What's it doing?"

"Pointing?" Jaal guesses. "Guiding us?"

"Raff," Lou says. "It's Raff."

-

Doors open and close, forcing them in one direction. It could be the Archon leading them in, funnelling them into a trap, but Lou's choosing to believe it's Raff. Raff leading them through.

"Using remnant hurts you," Jaal says. "It would hurt him too."

"Prepare to repeat the cortical stimulus," the Archon's snarls.

 Then Raff's voice rings through, "Get outta my head!"

The Archon rumbles out a laugh. " _You_ are irrelevant. It is your connection I need."

Raff growls with frustration.

Lou grips her gun until her knuckles turn white.

"We'll find him," Vetra says. "And we'll make the Archon pay."

-

The Archon laughs when they reach him in the Meridian command tower. "This attempt to rival me is no longer amusing."

"You got my clues," Raff says. He doesn't look great. He's pale, shaking. Before they deployed in the Nomad Lexi had pulled her aside, _Your brother needs SAM to live, if the Archon destroys his implant -_

"Are you okay?" she asks.

"I will be when you shut him up," Raff says.

"So determined," the Archon says, turning towards him. "But so pointless. Your connection serves me. I know how it works. The mind is trained to think like the remnant creators."

A small bot hovers in front of Raff's face.

The Archon sneers, "In this case _painfully_."

The bot lights up, Raff wriggles, jerks his head, tries to get away.

"You won't win this," Lou snarls.

"I will transcend what you pretend to be!" The Archon says. The remnant cables behind him whir to life, lift him up. "No more mercy, kill them all!"

Meridian starts to shift. Starts to light up.

The kett charge.

"Can they survive drawing this much power?" Jaal asks.

Lou readies her weapons. "I only care about one of them."

-

The Archon falls.

 _Ryders, Meridian is online,_ SAM says.

Lou closes her eyes. "It's good to have you back, SAM."

From where he's slumped on the platform, Raff starts to laugh.

She can feel SAM crackling through her, numbing the pain, fixing what he can. She makes it to Raff before she lets herself sink down to her knees. She puts a hand on Raff's back, feels him breathe in and out for a while.

"We gotta go," she says. "Your boyfriend's waiting."

Raff laughs again. "He came? And you, you came."

"Of course I came."

"Yeah," Raff says. "Yeah. I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"You're always saving me. Always, always."

"Yeah," they sit for a moment more and then she hefts him up. "Come on."


	24. Chapter 24

Lou drags him out of the Meridian command tower. Raff's head is full of noise and bright flashes of pain. His legs don't work right, his fingers are mostly numb.

"Alright?" Lou keeps asking.

Raff mostly just nods. He doesn't think he could talk right now if he tried.

They step out into the sun. Raff closes his eyes against it. Lexi and Harry are running towards them. Everyone else is clustered together, _everyone._ Kandros and Evfa and Raeka and Avitus. They're all so happy, all so loud.

Lexi is saying something to him. Lou squeezes his arm and passes him over.

Lexi and Harry are guiding him towards the Hyperion. "Wait, wait," he manages. "Where's - "

Reyes appears at his other side. "I'm here," he says. His hand is on the back of Raff's neck. "I'm here."

-

_The Archon's hand is on his neck - Meridian is tearing through him, he can feel the remnant in every cell, in every fibre of his being, picking him apart - **exaltation is a gift,** the Archon says, **one you are not worthy of but you will watch as everyone you know is changed -**_

He wakes up with a start in a dark room, his heart pounding.

"SAM?"

_I am here, Rafferty. Your pulse and breathing rate are dangerously high. Try to remain calm. You are safe, in your father's quarters on the Hyperion. Meridian is secure._

Raff closes his eyes. Tries to focus on breathing in and out.

He jumps when a hand lands on his shoulder.

"Shit, sorry. It's me."

He rolls over. "Ella?"

"Yeah," Lou says. He can barely make her out in the dark. "Um. How are you feeling?"

"Head hurts," Raff manages. It takes a while to get the words out, to understand what she's saying. Pain still crackles along his nerves. He winces. "It's a mess."

Lou makes a sympathetic face, reaches out and gently strokes his hair. "Yeah, it would. Turns out SAM was taking the brunt of using the rem-tech. Lexi says there shouldn't be any permanent damage well, _anymore_ damage in your case."

Raff tries to smile. "Is - Is everyone - "

"Everyone else is fine. A few bullet wounds, broken bones, Dunn's gonna be in the medbay for a while, some of Apex and the settlers but no one died." She smiles, "We did it, Raff. We beat them."

"Yeah," Raff says. "Yeah. Is - Is - Reyes?"

Lou laughs and jerks her head. Raff twists to look behind him. Reyes is slumped in a chair asleep. "He wouldn't leave," Lou says, when Raff rolls back to face her. "I still don't like him but he cares about you so I guess he can stay."

There are a lot of things he wants to say to that, a lot of things he probably will say to that. But for now the buzz in his head has faded out a little and he feels warm and bone-tired.

"Does - Does he need permission now?"

She laughs again. "Uh, saviour of all Heleus so, yeah. I think I can have a say in things now."

"Because I had nothing to do with that."

"Well, I'm sure we can figure something out."

Raff smiles. "'m tired."

"Yeah," Lou says.

-

It's a week before Raff can stand up for longer than a few minutes without blacking out. He's still in his father's old room. The medbay's still full, there are still people who still round the clock care. The Tempest crew is mostly fine, a few bullet wounds, a broken bone or two. They've been lucky.

For the first two days Lou was in here with him. They hadn't shared a bed since they were kids. Raff really up to heartfelt reunions then though. To be honest he still isn't. His head is still a mess. SAM's doing their best. Lou's given them over to Raff for the time being, she's helping with settlement efforts, doesn't really need an AI to guide her building prefabs.

It does mean they haven't been able to explore the other constructs on the surface though. There could be untold wonders out there that they're missing out on because Raff's brain is so damaged he can't function without an AI.

**SAM?**

_Rafferty._

**Just checking.**

He keeps having nightmares of being back in the command centre, of SAM being gone, of Lou not coming.

He shifts on the sheets.

Reyes mumbles in his sleep, tightens his grip on Raff. He's stuck around, helping out with the settlement, listening to Raff whine, making soothing sounds when Raff jerks awake and clings to him, mumbles things like _I love you_ and _I'm sorry_ and _don't leave, please_. "Rafferty, I can hear you thinking," Reyes says quietly.

"You're supposed to be asleep."

"Yes," Reyes yawns. "So it really is very rude for you to keep me awake thinking incessantly."

The door slides open.

Reyes groans.

Raff smiles, "You can't blame that on me."

"I can unfairly," Reyes says. He presses a kiss to the back of Raff's neck and sits up. "Good evening, Pathfinder."

"Vidal," Lou returns. "I was just coming to check on my brother."

Raff props himself up on his elbows. "I'm fine," he assures. "I actually managed to walk today."

She smiles at him. "Wow. Better late than never, right? You're only what, twenty-four?"

Reyes looks between them. "Was that a joke? She tells jokes?"

Lou crosses her arms. "I feel like he's maybe overstaying his welcome," she says to Raff.

Reyes puts a hand to his heart in mock-hurt, Raff leans against him. "Just so you know," he says. "When he leaves I'm going with him."

Lou sighs but she's smiling. "I'll see you tomorrow."

When she leaves Reyes curls an arm around Raff's shoulders and presses a kiss to the top of his head. "We can leave whenever you want," he says. "When you're better, anyway."

Raff nods, shifts so he can lean up against Reyes.

"I love you," Reyes says.

Raff smiles.

-

Gil comes to visit him every now and again. The first few times, Raff was mostly in and out, doesn't really remember much beyond grabbing Gil's wrist once while Gil was smoothing back fever-damp hair from his forehead and saying, high and desperate, "Why'd you push me away that day on Kadara?"

He doesn't remember what Gil had said in response - if he'd even said anything. He does remember Gil's expression, all raw and hurt. They haven't really spoken about it since then.

Now Gil sits in the chair beside the bed and shuffles his cards. "I'm not going to go easy on you just because you decided to operate an alien terraforming network without taking the proper precautions."

"This is why you're still single, you know," Raff says without really thinking about it.

Gil hums. "That and standards."

"That and overuse of _sarcasm_ ," Raff counters.

Gil sighs and sets the cards down. " _Raff_ ," he says.

"I'm sorry," Raff says and he is. He really fucking is.

"Me too," Gil says. "So. We playing or what?"

-

_I can provide whatever aid you need, Rafferty._

"No, that's okay, SAM but I kind of think I should be able to walk down a corridor unaided."

" _Unaided_ ," Reyes repeats.

"You know what I mean," Raff says.

"Uh, huh," Reyes says. He doesn't let go of Raff's arm though. They shuffle down the corridor from his father's old room towards the Hyperion's main hub. It's the first time he's been anywhere outside of the medbay and his room.

"Take it slow," Reyes warns, when they round the corner.

"I'm fine."

"That's really not true," Reyes says but he helps Raff through the ark and down to the exit ramp anyway.

That first breath of fresh air is like nothing Raff's ever felt. He didn't get to see Meridian before but Liam and Jaal have already told him about it, told him about how incredible it all is. They weren't lying he thinks, as he sags against Reyes and takes it all in. The blues, the greens, the soft breeze, the distant roar of a waterfall.

"You see," Reyes says. "It was all worth it."

"Yeah," Raff says, a little awed. "Yeah."

Reyes tangles their hands together. "You did this," he says. "You and your sister."

 _Your pulse rate is rising,_ SAM says.

Raff presses his face into Reyes' neck. It's a lot. A lot, a lot. "I think I need to go back inside now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's one more chapter left. i figured id post the rest of these all at once before i lose my damn nerve.
> 
> thanks for reading!


	25. Chapter 25

A month after they find Meridian, Cora wakes Lou up early and drives her out through the green to the waterfall they flew over when they first arrived. In the haze of victory and healing and settlement establishment, Lou hasn’t really spent much time planetside.

Meridian is beautiful, she already knew that, had seen it in flashes between the chaos and the bullets but it’s different like this, slowly creeping by the windows of the Nomad. Everything is so green, so calm, so _alive_. Back in the Milky Way she could never have imagined a place like this. They all held out hope, of course, all had far off dreams of a cluster full of golden worlds and untapped resources, where the species of the Milky Way could thrive.

As they drive, Cora keeps up this long, mostly one-sided conversation while Lou leans her forehead against the window and lets the greens blur into one. Cora tells her about the other worlds, how Voeld is starting to thaw in places, how Kadara’s water has stopped burning, how Eos is blooming.

“Your garden,” Lou says, at that and Cora smiles. That soft, warm smile she wears so often these days.

“Bradley says somethings starting to sprout. He sent pictures. It’s not much yet but it’ll be something someday.”

“We should go see it.”

Cora glances at her. "Sure you're up for it?"

Lou rolls her eyes. Cora laughs. In those first few days after the command tower, when Raff was still in pieces and Lou felt like every iota of strength she had ever had and ever would had was gone and never coming back, Cora had pushed her. Hefted her out of bed, made her walk unaided. _Not going to get better laying around and feeling sorry for yourself,_ she kept saying, like Lou _hadn't_ just flown a fleet of remnant ships across the Heleus.

"Just keep your eyes on the road, Harper," she says.

Cora ends up driving them out the edge of this cliff with the kind of view that makes Lou's chest ache. Meridian stretches out beneath them and this time Lou gets to take it all in. The trees, the rivers winding their way through the grass, the Hyperion off at the base of the command hub.

There’s still a lot to do. A lot of building, a lot of rebuilding. A lot of exploring. Suvi and the team from the Nexus have been mapping Meridian’s monoliths, trying to decode how they were programmed, how they were put together. Trying to find out whether they’re hiding any more secrets and that’s just for starters. Who knows what kinds of technologies are scattered across Andromeda waiting to be discovered.

And that’s just the big stuff. The big, earth-shattering, profound-implications-for-the-future-of-our-species stuff that makes Lou feel overwhelmed and terrified and excited and small all at once. On the smaller scale, there’s still the matter of Ambassador to settle, still a lot of building and terraforming and kett-extermination to do before they can start moving more people out of cryo. There’s still the matter of finding worlds for the asari, turians and salarians, there’s still one more Ark to come.

There’s part of Lou that wants to step back from all that, to lay down her title and let someone else step up and take a turn. She’s sure there are scores on the Hyperion who would jump at the opportunity.

She closes her eyes, loses herself in the feel of the sunlight on her face and the breeze gently ruffling her hair. It’s been quiet in her head since her connection to SAM was severed, blissfully quiet. There are still times when she finds herself reaching for the AI, expecting SAM to send a soothing burst through her nerves when she’s feeling anxious or compensate if she’s tired, but for the most part she’s found she doesn’t miss them.

SAM is supposed to be part of the whole Pathfinder package. Maybe if she doesn’t reconnect she’ll have to give up her role anyway.

Cora wraps her arms around Lou's middle, rests her chin on Lou's shoulder.  "I didn't just bring you out here to enjoy the view, you know."

Lou smiles, turning in Cora’s grip to face her. She brings a hand up, cups Cora’s jaw gently, brushes her thumb across Cora’s cheek bones, fiddles with the short edges of Cora’s hair. There’s time now, at long last. Time to just _be._

“It’s so quiet,” Lou says, suddenly desperately happy.

Cora laughs. “Well, we should enjoy it. I get the feeling it won’t last.”

-

Cora says goodbye when they reach the Hyperion. She’s heading back out into Meridian to hook up with one of the research teams just in case. Lou hasn’t offered to accompany her and Cora hasn’t suggested it. Lou doesn’t want to ruin the day so she keeps quiet and lets Cora kiss her goodbye by the Nomad, chaste and gentle at first and then a little more.

She pulls back when Liam whistles and Lou can’t help the blush that spreads across her cheeks.

“So _this_ is what you’re doing while the rest of us toil away building prefabs?” Liam says. He’s suited up, ready to go, rifle in his hands. It makes Lou miss her armour, her weapons. The comforting weight of them.

“I think you mean _who_ , Kosta,” Cora smirks because she’s can be absolutely filthy when she wants to be as Lou’s learning.

Liam lets out a surprised bark of laughter. “I don’t think you’re supposed to talk that way about your Pathfinder,” he says, when he’s recovered himself.

Cora looks at Lou, “She doesn’t seem to mind.”

“I’m still thinking about whether I mind or not,” Lou says, when Liam looks at her. Cora looks faintly surprised, Liam grins. They say their goodbyes and Lou’s about to head back inside when she spots Reyes on the farside of the landing strip, loading something into his shuttle.

For the first week or so, he hardly left Raff’s side, since then he’s made a couple of supply runs here and there, helped out picking off the last of the kett stragglers but judging by the amount of suppliers he’s loading up, this might take him a little while longer. She’s come to terms with the fact that she’s never going to trust the guy, no matter how much he does. Reyes knows that too, she thinks. He must, judging by the brief flicker of apprehension in his gold gaze as Lou makes her way over to him and leans up against his shuttle.

“I’m heading back to Kadara,” he starts.

Lou hums. “Wouldn’t want your empire to crumble,” she says and Reyes actually looks hurt at that. Maybe it’s unfair. Maybe she’s being too hard on him but just because he flew halfway across the galaxy to fight in war for her brother doesn’t mean he didn’t screw them all over a petty squabble and they’ve talked about this – argued about it endlessly. Hissed in hushed tones standing over Raff’s bed while he sleeps, yelled angrily in the corridors of the Hyperion. They haven’t come to blows yet.

Yet.

Reyes looks back to his crates, “I’ll only be gone for the day. I should be back before tomorrow.”

Lou watches him lift one, push it in to his shuttle’s small cargo-hold. “Does Raff know?”

“Yes. I would not leave without telling him.”

“Wouldn’t you?” Lou challenges and Reyes looks back up at her.

“No,” he says, simply. He bends to collect another crate, this time Lou bends too, grabs the other end. Reyes is surprised, looks up at her briefly, mouth open like he’s going to say something but he must think better of it because he doesn’t.

“Who watches the port in your absence?” Lou asks, as they load the shuttle.

“Keema. You have met her, I believe.”

Lou has, briefly. “And your people know she’s not the Charlatan?”

Reyes nods. “There are those who _suspect_ , obviously. But then, there are those who suspect everyone. That was the plan, after all.”

Lou doesn’t know how people work like that. It’s one thing to blindly obey orders filtered down through the ranks but it’s another to not have any idea who the orders are coming from. “Are you ever going to come clean to them?”

Reyes smiles to himself. “As I keep trying to explain, the Charlatan is an _idea_. Not a man. Besides, it is safer this way. Look what happened to the last Kadaran ruler. She was not so careful with her identity.”

“And she was killed by a dishonourable smuggler.”

Reyes sighs at her. “I know it may be difficult for you to believe, Louella, but I am always honest. In my own way, anyway.”

“Doesn’t really work like that.”

They’ve loaded up all the boxes. Reyes shakes his head, looks down at the ground. “It does if you let it. Besides, it is not only for _my_ benefit.”

Lou scoffs. “Everyone in Kadara – no, everyone in _Heleus_ knows Raff’s connected to you. I’ve heard what they call him.” _The Queen of Kadara,_ Vetra had smirked, shaking her head while Gil choked on his breakfast and Cora raised her eyebrows and said, _bet your dad would be proud of that one._

Reyes though, doesn’t seem fazed. He smiles, wistfully. “You have to admit, he would look good in a crown.” Then he sobers, a little. “Look, I understand that you don’t trust me but I would also like you to understand that I care for your brother. A great deal. And I am going to do my utmost not to hurt him.”

Lou looks away. “I know.” She fidgets a moment while Reyes keys the coordinates for Kadara into his shuttle. “How is he today?” She asks.

Reyes brightens. “Better, I think. He actually made it outside today.”

“He did?” Lou’s surprised. She’s seen him every day since Meridian, saw him yesterday and he made no mention that he felt strong enough to go outside. Still hiding things from her after everything.

Reyes nods. “It was not for long and I think he found it a little… overwhelming.”

“I should look in on him,” Lou says.

Reyes slides into the pilot’s seat. “That would do him good.”

-

Lou’s always found Alec Ryder’s old quarters slightly unsettling. They don’t quite feel like a tomb – after all, her father could have spent little more than a few hours there before cryo, after waking up. It doesn’t smell like him – though Lou can’t really recall her father’s belongings back on the Citadel having a particular smell and aside from the old coffee pot, Lou didn’t recognise any of the little trinkets and keepsakes her father had piled onto the shelves. SAM’s told her all about them though, the gun her father made his first kill with, books read at milestones in his life, in his career, in his creation of SAM.

The lights are dimmed when she slides the door open and peers in and for a moment, she thinks Raff must be asleep but then he sits up and twists to look back at her.

She steps in, the door snicking shut behind her. “Hey,” she says, gently.

Raff smiles weakly, “Hi.” He still looks awful, even after all this time, pale and drawn, his hair stuck up at odd angles. His hands still shake, he bunches them up in the blankets to try and hide it.

When Lou carried him out of Meridian, Lexi’s prognosis had been grim. Raff’s connection to SAM had broken, hi-jacked for the Archon to do god knows what to her brother’s brain and he’d still used rem-tech to lead them through, to disrupt the Archon’s plans. Using rem-tech without SAM had been blinding for Lou. Agony, pure and simple across her entire body, every nerve ending screaming, but for Raff – who needed SAM to live, to make his brain work – it must have been worse.

In those first few days, Lexi had suggested they try and find a way to remove SAM, Harry had agreed. SAM was only ever meant to be an aide, in their eyes anyway, no one was meant to become so reliant on them, so intertwined. Raff hadn’t been awake enough to understand what was going on but Reyes had fought for him, for SAM. Raff felt lost without SAM, Reyes said.

“Hello, Pathfinder,” SAM greets.

“Hi, SAM.” Lou walks over to the bed, hovers at the foot of it. “I hear you made it outside today.”

Raff nods. It takes him a few moments to get the words out. “Just for a second,” he says. “It was too damn bright. I think I left my sunglasses in the Milky Way.”

Lou smiles. “I’m sure we can find you a pair somewhere. Vetra’s turned up wonders before.”

Raff grimaces. “I’m not sure Vetra would pick me out the best pair.” He swallows, looks down at his trembling hands wound in their father’s sheets. “Reyes went back to Kadara,” he says and there’s an edge to his voice Lou doesn’t like.

“He’s coming back,” Lou says, before that edge sends Raff tumbling.

“I know, I know, I just – ” His gaze is still fixed on the blankets.

“Move over,” Lou says, clambering onto the bed when Raff does. They lie shoulder to shoulder, pressed against each other and Lou reaches down and wraps on hand around Raff’s wrist, her thumb on his pulse point. It’s habitual, something she used to do when she found him pale and still from too much drink or god knows what.

For a few moments they lie in silence, listening to the barely perceptible hum and whir of the Hyperion’s generators and Lou starts to think of what will come afterwards.

“Do you think – ” she starts but then stops to lick her dry lips. “Do you think that when you’re better you’ll go with him? Reyes, I mean. Back to Kadara?”

Raff stills. “I don’t know.”

“You could stay, you know,” Lou says. “Come back to the Tempest. There’s still a lot to do, a lot to explore.”

“I don’t know if I’d be very useful,” Raff says, indicating his hands.

“You’ve got SAM,” Lou points out.

Raff laughs. “I feel like no one likes me for me anymore, they all just want SAM.”

“Apologies, Rafferty,” SAM says. “I can hardly be blamed for my magnetic personality.”

“That would be my father’s fault, I suppose,” Raff says.

“Actually,” Lou nudges him. “SAM learns, right? And you’ve had him longer than anyone so…”

“Oh,” Raff says.

“She is correct, I’m afraid, Rafferty. You have been my main influencer. But I must ask, Pathfinder, your earlier statement suggests that you do not intend to utilise your implant from this point forward. Is this correct?”

“Yeah,” Lou decides. “Yeah, I think it is. Sorry, SAM.”

“There is no need to apologise, Pathfinder. I intend only to help.”

“You do,” Lou assures. “You will.” She looks over at Raff, “There you go. I won’t have SAM but you will. Maybe we can both be Pathfinders, maybe together we can make a halfway decent job of it.”

“I don’t know, Lou. _Two_ human Pathfinders? It would hardly be fair.”

Lou shrugs, “Maybe we can trick them. I’ll cut my hair or you’ll grow yours out a bit and we can pretend we’re one Pathfinder.”

Raff smiles faintly. “Like at school when we were kids.”

“Worked then, didn’t it?” she asks and Raff laughs. “Look, you’re better with people than me and I – ”

“Lou, look at everything you’ve done. You’re doing fine, better than fine, actually. And even when I was Pathfinder everyone knew it was you getting us through those fire fights, making the tough calls. You found us a home. Won us a home.”

“With your help,” Lou says. “And you did a hell of a lot too. Befriending the angara, brokering peace with the krogan colony. I wouldn’t have done those things, Raff.”

Raff hums. “And I probably wouldn’t have been able to take Meridian. Maybe we should both quit. You can go and garden with Cora and I can go –”

“And do crime with Reyes?” Lou suggests.

“Yes, that.” He shifts closer to her, lays his head against her shoulder. “Do you think dad thought we’d ever get to this point?”

“To Meridian or to the point that we can lie in the same bed without trying to kill each other?”

Raff smiles. “Both. Meridian first, us second.”

Lou considers for a moment. “I think that if dad didn’t think something like Meridian was possible, he wouldn’t have put so much stock in this expedition. And I honestly don’t think he’d care either way about whether we got along or not. He never cared before. Why would it be different if he was still here.”

Raff nods. He’s quiet for a long moment and Lou starts to think she must have said something wrong. Then he sits up, pushes himself up slowly and Lou moves with him, frowning slightly.

“Do you really think that? About dad and Meridian, I mean.” He asks. In the dim light it’s difficult to make out his expression.

“Yeah,” Lou says. “Why else would he come?”

Raff twists his mouth, bites at his bottom lip. Lou waits.

“There’s something I have to show you,” her brother says and then he’s pushing himself up and out of the bed before Lou can catch him.

-

In SAM node, Raff leans heavily against the console. He’s barefoot, Lou held him up most of the way. “You know about dad’s memories,” Raff says. “I’ve been unlocking them, his journal entries too. I started after – well, I had more free time, so.”

Lou frowns, “Okay?”

“There’s a lot – a lot of weird shit. Like, this Benefactor that funded the Initiative and all this stuff about building SAM. I think dad only joined up to get funding to finish SAM. But there’s so much stuff and – ”

“Rafferty,” SAM interrupts. “I must inform you that your father’s final memory is accessible. It must have been unlocked before the Archon took the Hyperion, while our connection was lost.”

Raff stills.

“Are you alright?” Lou prompts.

“Uh, yeah,” he says, haltingly. “You should see the other ones though, before – before this one.”

“Raff – ” Lou starts to say because she’s never cared much about her father’s reasons for coming out here or his reasons for marrying their mother and leaving them all behind while he lived out his life. But Raff takes her hand in his shaking one and says, urgently, “I need you to see this.” So Lou sighs.

“Alright. Let’s just start with this one.”

And Raff smiles, relieved. “SAM, is it possible for two people to experience the memory at once?”

“Your implants are both capable of supporting the interface. However, I would require access to your implant, Pathfinder, to maintain the connection,” SAM says. “It would be temporary unless you decide differently.”

Lou nods. “Fine, do it.”

Raff smiles at her. “Play the memory, SAM.”

“This is the last memory your father encrypted, from the last planning stages of the Hyperion’s departure.”

The world fades out around them and Lou gasps at it, grips Raff’s hand tighter and tighter until even that fades away and she’s left standing in front of laptop. No, not her. Her father. He’s talking to a turian, something about Commander Shepard and the threat he claimed was going to destroy them all. Lou tries to think back to it, to the scraps she’d heard around the Initiative but she can’t her memories and her father’s are becoming muddled.

She lets her mind still. She watches.

Watches her father’s last conversation with Raff’s Benefactor, watches her father die.

When she finds herself back in SAM Node, her hand is shaking just a badly as Raff’s. “Is – Is – Is – “ Raff stammers. He wobbles dangerously, Lou reaches to steady him, to hold herself up.

“Alec blocked all knowledge of this memory,” SAM says. “I know recall his directive to put Ellen into stasis. He hoped it slow the progress of her disease, until a cure could be found.”

“He should have told us,” Lou says, while Raff blinks, shellshocked. “Where is she now?” she demands.

“Here on the Hyperion. Ellen is in stasis under a false name.”

“So this was his plan?” Lou asks. “All along?”

“Alec could not live with the thought that Ellen recovering only to find one of you had died.”

“So that’s why,” Raff mutters. “That’s why he – For mum. For her.”

Lou holds him tighter, “For you as well, Raff.”

His hands are balled up in the front of Lou’s shirt. “We have to go. We have to find her.”

He’s shaking so badly Lou’s unsure he can walk but she doesn’t say no. “Okay, SAM notify Dr Carlyle, get him to find her pod. We have to be sure.”

“Yes, Pathfinder.”

There’s a roaring in her ears but she can hardly feel it, can hardly begin to process it. “Let’s go,” she says. “Let’s go.”

-

The pod clunks down before them. Harry looks unimpressed. “Well, here it is. The pod you asked for but I don’t know why – ”

Raff lurches forwards, pushes Harry away to get to the access panel on the front.

“Wait!” Lou says. “She’s still sick, Raff. She has to stay frozen!”

Harry looks between them, “What’s going on?”

“I’m only going to open the front visor,” Raff says. “We have to be sure.”

“It’s our mother, Harry,” Lou says. “It’s – our father he – ”

There’s a hiss as the dark front glass slides back to reveal a clear window.

“It’s her,” Raff says. “It’s her. Oh, oh, I wanna punch him. I wanna kill him. Why didn’t he tell us?”

Lou closes her eyes, puts a hand on her brother’s shoulder. “He was being dad. I’m just glad she’s still with us.”

“Incredible,” Harry says, stepping forward to peer at her. “I never would have thought that Alec – ” He cuts himself off. “We have 600 years worth of data on her disease to work from.”

“So you can cure her?” Raff asks, eyes wide.

Harry smiles. “We’ve found an alien terraforming network that works across multiple planets simultaneously. If there’s anywhere we’re in with a chance of curing her, it’s here. But for now, I think you need to get back to bed.” He nods to Lou.

Lou nods back, puts a hand around his shoulders and guides him out of the cryo bay.

-

Back in her father’s quarters she taps out a message to Cora, tells her Reyes has gone off world and Raff’s feeling delicate, tells her she’s staying with him tonight just in case. While her brother sleeps she reads through her father’s logs, learns about the Reapers, about the Milky Way’s murky fate.

“SAM?” she asks, quietly.

“Yes, Pathfinder.”

“What are the chances of the Reapers reaching Andromeda, you think?”

“Unknown. My resources on the Reapers are practically non-existent but from what I have I can say that there is little evidence that the Reapers travel outside of the Milky Way.”

Lou hums and sits back in her chair.

Her omni-tool pings. Cora says she understands, she won’t be upset as long as Lou makes it up to her.

“Should I tell them, do you think? About the Reapers? About home?”

“I could not say, Pathfinder. I understand that that it may be upsetting to many to learn of the fate of their galaxy but it was a likely eventuality. Things change, empires rise and fall. It should be assumed that all who joined the Initiative knew this.”

“Yeah,” Lou says faintly. But she’s not sure it’s true. In the Milky Way it had all seemed so hazy, she’d been so caught up in the Initiative she hadn’t really thought that much about what would happen back home. That everyone outside of her father and her brother, everyone she’d ever known, would be long dead by the time she woke up.

“It should also be assumed,” SAM says. “That all who came here, came only to look ahead, to the future. Not the past. To forge new destinies, Pathfinder. Was that not the purpose of the Initiative?”

Lou smiles. “I suppose it was.”

“So what will you do?” SAM asks.

“Move forward,” Lou says. “I won’t lie if anyone asks but I won’t dwell.” She closes her father’s logs, thinks about her mother stiff and frozen floors away, about Cora in the little prefab they’ve made their own for the time being, about Raff asleep a few feet away, about Reyes somewhere out there. “I’ll move forward,” she says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that's it, we're done. anyone who's hung around, thank you, anyone who's just found this story thank you. i know there are probably things that some of you wish i had given more time to - there was going to be a longer resolution for gil for example but i just couldn't make it work with how the story was going so im sorry but i hope you enjoyed it anyway.
> 
> as an aside though, up until the moment i wrote it i really had no idea whether raff would end up with gil or reyes but if it had been gil the story would have gone very, very differently.
> 
> as always, thanks you for reading.


End file.
